Media Spotlight: America's future according to FOX

We interrupt this awful day in Pittsburgh to bring you exciting news on some of the more useful features our 24-hour mainstream media has to offer you. Today's spotlight is on the always-popular FOX News and their groundbreaking new series of special reports, America's Future! (photo: FNC)

FOX, being smarter and less biased than you, has decided to try the Nostradamus thing out and predict what the future may look like in a nation utterly decimated by universal healthcare, stem cell research and a sound multilateral foreign policy. After a gathering of the minds, they have compiled a list of impending issues that are so monumentally vital that they are going to shake the very foundations of our great sovereign nation. FOX on the future:

Islam in America!
Clearly the number one issue in the States is the fact that not everyone is a Christian; in fact, Muslims are showing up everywhere these days, and FOX has noticed. Excerpts from their report:

• Rise of Islam in some European cities
• Strict set of Muslim precepts is finding its way into American everyday life
• Are inhabitants of a tiny Islamic outpost in N.Y. jihadists in training or are they peacefully practicing their religion?"

Textbooks!
You can't have a future without children; but what are we going to teach them? Should we really be clouding their young innocent minds with science, history, literature and the truth? And more importantly:

• Are school textbooks portraying accurate picture of Islam?
• Critics calling for changes in way schools handle sex education.

Very good; I see your impending plague of tolerance when teaching kids about other religions, and I raise you a condom. Solid.

Water?
WTF FOX?! I was with you through those first two critical issues, but water? How water made the list is beyond me. I'll let them explain:

• Tensions rise between advocates of alternative energy and conservationists
• Questioning hydroelectric power in America
• Some experts say it will take a huge amount of money to fix U.S. water infrastructure
• New campaign promotes tap water over bottled water

Well folks, we hope you enjoyed our little gaze into the crystal ball together this afternoon. One has to thank FOX for finally shining the light on this relatively murky and dismal future, filled with religious pluralism, education through actual facts and practices and...water? I still don't get the water thing. Either way, God be with us all. United we can make it through this post-apocalyptic nightmare.