John Edwards: Caught with his "Pants on the Ground"

You know, Josh and I were really beginning to enjoy our brief sabbatical from the blogging world. We've been swamped at work, booze-drenched on the weekends and overall too disgruntled with the very news we were perusing each day for inspiration to jot down one word of any real weight on this thing (which of course would be one word more than anything else on here that's worth a damn).

In retrospect, we missed golden opportunities time after time to post poignant, shrewd remarks about current events, which seemed to get stranger each day of this new decade:

- We allowed Mark McGwire to get off scott-free, without even a "lick my taint" tag from Rustbelt (we've got you now, Markie - see below - oh yeah, and fuck you).

- We didn't contribute, for obvious reasons, to the media shitstorm and profiteering from the terrible tragedy in Haiti. Hell, we let Pat Robertson blame a pact with Satan on that earthquake - without even a "lick my taint" tag for him either! (done and done - oh yeah, fuck you too, Pat Robertson).

- I think an election upset happened, too...we'll let the pros cover this one.

- We didn't get the opportunity to proclaim loudly to our five readers (if they're even still around) that we are, in fact, with Coco, something that among all of these missed opportunities I am actually truly sorry for. Our hatred for NBC in reaction to them closing down the big screen outside of the Igloo will be duly sustained for years to come . Or until we cave and watch 30 Rock.

But it was not the events above, dear reader, that got us out of the Fortress of Solitude we were hunkered down inside somewhere in the Yukon. All appropriate enough to bring an exile's return, it would take more to get two lazy bloggers off of their asses, into clean clothes and out of our fuzzy obscurity that has been 2010. And John Edwards did it for us, in more ways than one.

What a guy. Now that I have gotten to what I had initially wanted to comment on, it has a degree of frivolity to it that almost seems silly to go on. The bastard cheated on his wife multiple times, who at the time was being treated for cancer. That alone is reason enough to never regard John Edwards as a good guy for the rest of his nice haircut-sporting life. But, after all of that, to resurface in the news nearly two years later with the confirmation that you have a love child? Wow.

This is a guy that really had a free ride into his second consecutive campaign as a candidate for Vice-President of the United States. He was a fulcrum in the midst of the see-saw of death and bodily fluids that was the Obama-Clinton primary. Through the debates he emitted that squeaky-clean, Southern Democrat, safe-bet-for-a-VP aura. But it turned out he was not only a big enough douche to cheat on his wife, but a big enough moron to get one of those lucky ladies pregnant. What an unbelievable piece of shit.

At least, amidst all of the other bad shit happening, Edward's admission of his wrongdoing is helping make this decade a success: by starting off with your standards exceedingly low, we certainly are not destined for disappointment in the roaring 'teens. Not the way we're going.

That's actually the exact mind-state we have been in regarding the blog.

Five things that really suck right now

This is not a Keith Olbermann rip-off (and even if it was, he's not really legitimate enough to matter), but rather a list of the five things we currently feel are either severely overrated or just god-awful and should be avoided by anyone who values their conscience.

5. Sarah Palin's return to the national spotlight



Only in a country obsessed with Jon and Kate could someone like Sarah Palin excel at attracting legitimate attention. Why we are all still talking about her is beyond me; her post-campaign life has resembled that of a trashy reality television show on CMT. But yet we enable her horrendous remarks about ridiculous conspiracy theories and death panels by giving her more attention. Jesus...

4. Weezer's Raditude

Part of the joy of listening to Weezer over the years has been wondering just how weird frontman Rivers Cuomo is, and if he ever is going to grow up. You learn on Raditide that he is not only pretty weird, but also a massive attention whore who probably was a flash in the pan lyrically, and in fact is not ever going to grow up. Terrible commercialized half-assed effort.

3. The Apocalypse



I don't care about the Mayans, I don't care about the guy who held the boom box up and played that Peter Gabriel song in that 80's movie, I don't care. I feel like I'm back in high school trying to trip the kid who was walking down the hall with an armful of the Left Behind books.

2. Fox News

This one might be mainstay on this list, but with their recent purging of YouTube clips featuring their programs (and targeting the ones published by progressives) as well as Shep Smith's awkward and forced apology regarding his complaint about balance, Fox News is looking pretty damn douchey right now.

1. Where the Wild Things Are (film)



Before this movie came out, I was pondering who or what was more overrated than writer Dave Eggers. I discovered it while watching this movie - the answer is a cooperative effort between Dave Eggers and fellow overrated person Spike Jonze. The moral of Sendak's genius book gets lost in this mopey, emo bitchfest that tries way too hard to say "fuck you" to whatever you hoped the movie would be and instead strives to be the least interesting story ever told by anyone ever. The visuals are great, but so are the visuals from a mushroom trip, and at least the latter doesn't tackle you to the ground and take a dump on your dreams.

Liberal in the middle of a Radical Shitshow

Hello all. Yeah I am back. After a long hiatus due to Graduate School and a slight substance abuse problem, after having witnessed a flight of military attack helicopters buzz Oakland and after dreaming of Glenn Beck goose stepping down every American main street singing God Bless America, it is time for my return from hiatus.

This is a good old fashioned rant. It won't be flashy, there probably won't be a picture and there will most likely be no linked websites. Frankly I'm lazy, and at work. Besides a quick Google search will easily give you the main link to anything that I am bitching about. Let us start with the G-20. The initial holy shit this is pretty cool warm and fuzzy feelings have given way to the holy shit there are some crazy nut jobs coming here. This is a pretty big deal for our city. The first G-20 to be held outside of a host nations capital. Pittsburgh!? Yes bet your asses Pittsburgh. Suck it Detroit. The international media will finally get to see this city for what it has become, not what it was. At the same time, I am apprehensive excitement for the week to come. I have accepted the fact that at some point I will probably call a protester a jag off. Will I protest? No, some people actually are pretty alright with a more globalized world. Will I get teargassed? Maybe, it would make for one hell of a story. Am I worried that something really bad will happen? Not really. Knowing that this place is basically on lock down, while a hassle, insures that we will all be here on Saturday to talk about it. But these protesters, yes they have every right to protest. Do I think they are idiots, for the most part yes. Mainly you anarchists and anti-capitalists. Get over it. If you are an anarchist and someone organized a march, guess what you have something that resembles leadership. Big hole in your logic don't you think? Anti-capitalists, it doesn't work in practice. Read a history book.

Second item of contention; Tea Parties. President Carter has called those people protesting President Obama's policy's as racists, a claim that the administration was quick to distance themselves from. But are they racists. For the most part, yes. Face it, white people are still afraid of the better educated black man. I have personally met many people that did not vote for him because of the color of his skin. If you can intelligently explain to me why you oppose health care reform, great. You are part of the mall majority that understands socialists policies from Nazi policies.

Then there is Glen Beck. The man who has tirelessly been running into packed Unemployment Offices, Klan rallies, and Country Clubs screaming fire since January has now unveiled his 9/12 project. Really? You want America to feel the way we did the day after the attacks. Personally I was scarred as hell and ready to follow any leader, regardless of IQ or party into the great unknown....later Iraq. Lets not forget that the weeks following 9/12 were full of blind patriotism. We essentially wrote the Bush administration a blank check of our personal freedoms. warrant-less wiretaps, torture and lets forget due process of the law. Alright Glen, why would you oppose our government. The Dixie Chicks spoke out against Bush and their carriers were virtually ended. Why because they have Freedom of Speech? Now that you speak out against your government you are being patriotic. Where is the hypocrisy in that? You and your "patriotic" tea party members should follow your own advice and just pack up and go home. Trust your democratically elected government. Don't question it. After all no one questioned/protested the patriot act. Those who protested it and or the war were labeled as unpatriotic and dangerous . Sucks when you lose an election huh? Fair and balanced my ass.

(Yes this rant was poorly organized and frankly not that good. I still have a lot to do to make up for my long hiatus. Hope this is a start...........Rush Limbaugh can suck it too.)

Wahhhhhhhhhhh

You have to laugh at everyone going balls-crazy about Mayor Ravenstahl setting some ground rules for protestors at the upcoming G20 summit in Pittsburgh later this month. Although we here at tRBT believe not only in the First Amendment but also in civil disobedience when necessary, we have to shake our heads at the class acts going bonkers all over the place. We will get to our reasons in a moment.

First, here's the story thus far. In light of recent protests at previous G20 summits, our young Mayor decided to put some limitations on what people can and cannot bring to their respective rage against the machine. Some of the things not allowed are handcuffs, piping, masks and 2x4's. Consequently, every attention whore in the city, the most guilty being veteran protest ham David Meiern of Squirrel Hill, has decided to voice their opinion about how Luke Ravenstahl is trying to limit their rights of free speech and, in one woman's unfortunately mixed-up opinion, abortions (?!).

"Why am I wearing this polar bear mask, you might ask," Mr. Meiern said. "It may be that I want to commit a crime, or it may be that the ice upon which polar bears are depending is melting as we speak."

Not to dignify an asenine comment like that with a response, but we compiled a list of things we are concerned about as well, and it has nothing to do with polar bears - sorry Mr. Meiern. But when you're getting ready to stand outside of a bank or a Starbuck's (where you probably bought a cup of coffee last week) or a Panera bread or wherever the fuck you think a news camera from the station you DVR'ed is, please keep the following in mind:

• Where were you folks, you know, the rest of the time? Suddenly, now that the finance ministers and bank governors from 19 other countries are coming to town you're pissed off about corporations? Why take your anger out on Giant Eagle and PNC Bank now, when as soon as this is over you're going to go back to whatever it is you people do, which most likely is nothing?
• Don't waste carbon dioxide vomiting up idiotic banter about animals that you truly are making no effort to save. In fact, the economic policies of the countries of which you're so pissed off about probably allocate more money to conservation efforts than you save on your water bills by only showering once a week - so get over yourself.
• You are not Che Guevara. You are a guy or a gal on his or her lunch break with a sign. You are not in Palestine; you are in Pittsburgh. Relax, and if you throw something at the cop, he's going to beat you and arrest you, and it's not "the system's" fault - it's yours for being that immature about it.
• Please don't hurt anything too badly in the city, we really really like it. Like a lot.

That is all. Again: we like protesting. We just really hate stupid people.

Media Spotlight: America's future according to FOX

We interrupt this awful day in Pittsburgh to bring you exciting news on some of the more useful features our 24-hour mainstream media has to offer you. Today's spotlight is on the always-popular FOX News and their groundbreaking new series of special reports, America's Future! (photo: FNC)

FOX, being smarter and less biased than you, has decided to try the Nostradamus thing out and predict what the future may look like in a nation utterly decimated by universal healthcare, stem cell research and a sound multilateral foreign policy. After a gathering of the minds, they have compiled a list of impending issues that are so monumentally vital that they are going to shake the very foundations of our great sovereign nation. FOX on the future:

Islam in America!
Clearly the number one issue in the States is the fact that not everyone is a Christian; in fact, Muslims are showing up everywhere these days, and FOX has noticed. Excerpts from their report:

• Rise of Islam in some European cities
• Strict set of Muslim precepts is finding its way into American everyday life
• Are inhabitants of a tiny Islamic outpost in N.Y. jihadists in training or are they peacefully practicing their religion?"

Textbooks!
You can't have a future without children; but what are we going to teach them? Should we really be clouding their young innocent minds with science, history, literature and the truth? And more importantly:

• Are school textbooks portraying accurate picture of Islam?
• Critics calling for changes in way schools handle sex education.

Very good; I see your impending plague of tolerance when teaching kids about other religions, and I raise you a condom. Solid.

Water?
WTF FOX?! I was with you through those first two critical issues, but water? How water made the list is beyond me. I'll let them explain:

• Tensions rise between advocates of alternative energy and conservationists
• Questioning hydroelectric power in America
• Some experts say it will take a huge amount of money to fix U.S. water infrastructure
• New campaign promotes tap water over bottled water

Well folks, we hope you enjoyed our little gaze into the crystal ball together this afternoon. One has to thank FOX for finally shining the light on this relatively murky and dismal future, filled with religious pluralism, education through actual facts and practices and...water? I still don't get the water thing. Either way, God be with us all. United we can make it through this post-apocalyptic nightmare.

The horse's mouth

"Yeah, right, well if all those socialist democrats want healthcare, tell 'em to go to Canada! See how happy they are about their doctors!"

Those were the words I heard a passerby utter to a friend today as I was buying a pack of gum. Two sentences that were so poorly backed-up, so ridiculously obtuse and credulous that I finally could not withstand the anger and frustration that had been building up for, well, since I learned what socialism actually meant.

"Do you know how Canadians feel about their health care? For all we know they might be okay with it," I said, without the slightest hint of asshole in my tone.

"Do you?" She replied.

And that's when I realized that, albeit my inquiry was not as abrasive, I too had nothing with which to back it up. I genuinely did not know how Canadians felt about their healthcare system at all. It was either quickly call my friend who lives in Canada, or get out of the conversation fast; I chose the latter (read: I'm a huge pussy).

So I checked out a few polls, and found a recent (June), fairly balanced one concerning Canadians and their approval of said healthcare system. And the result? I win.

OTTAWA -- Canadians think their American neighbours would be wise to look north as they grapple with a massive health-care overhaul.

That's the conclusion drawn from a new poll published as Capitol Hill legislators debate a plan to cover nearly all Americans with government-run health insurance.

The Canadian Press Harris-Decima survey suggests 82 per cent of Canadians believe our system is better than U.S. health care.
...
"I think there's a growing sense that going fully private, or having some version of an almost fully private model like the American one, doesn't necessarily serve the broader interest the way Canadians would want it to be served," said Harris-Decima vice-president Jeff Walker.

Well, looks like they're not jumping off of the falls after all, praying that they don't hit a rock and instead get swept away by a current to the friendly shores of Buffalo, where the doctors are abundant, the nurses aplenty and the vicodins delicious. Seems to me like they're, like I said to my new friend, okay with it.

You thought it was all said and done

While hockey season is over (I think Pittsburgh won the cup), the off season is here. The NHL entry draft takes place on June 26th and 27th. Less than a week after that is the beginning of the free agency period.

This is the time of year when trade rumors swirl just as much if not more than right before the trade deadline. Who wants to pick up a few more draft picks? Who wants to trade some away in hopes of landing that one player who will help lead their team to Stanley Cup glory?

All this (and lack of true employment) have led us to take a look at the numbers and crunch some ideas for what could be the Pittsburgh Penguins of 2009-2010 and beyond. We'll start off with cap numbers:

While it is not set in stone (the collective revenues of the league have not been tallied yet) the league cap number should be right around $55 million so we will stick with that number.
As it stands right now, the Pittsburgh Penguins cap number will be $47.3 million for 2009-2010. That is of course if we drop all our free agents and their salaries which isn't going to happen.

Much has been made about the amount of money tied up in Crosby (8.7 mill), Malkin (8.7 mill), Fleury (5 mill), Staal (4 mill) and even Brooks Orpik (3.75 mill). Well this is the year when that will all come to fruition with Malkin, Fleury and Staal all starting their new contract numbers.

At the same time we lose the big numbers of Sykora (2.5 mill), Guerin (4.5mill), Miroslav Satan (3.5mill), Ruslan Fedetenko (2.5 mill), Phillippe Boucher(2.5 mill) and Hal Gill (2.1 mill). Lost yet?

Also on the unrestricted free agent list is Rob Scuderi. The authors of this blog have thought highly of Scuds for quite some time now and his performance in the Finals put him in to another pay scale. He is a clutch shut down defensemen and is only getting better.

Along with those boys are a bunch of AHL'ers, some of whom will be given every shot to make it to the big club in the fall. Of interest is Alex Goligoski, Ben Lovejoy, Paul Bissonnette, John Curry and Tim Wallace. These guys are all restricted free agents and we fully expect them to be Pens again next year.

Moving along... Fight me if you will but here is what I see happening over the summer to our beloved flightless birds. Sykora, Satan, Boucher, Gill and Garon will all leave. That frees up $11.6 million in cap space from those players alone. We have been saying for some time that Sykora is going to finish up his career in Russia and while his agent is saying otherwise Petr may head back home to play out his twilight years. Either way he and Satan will not suit up for the Pens next year. Sad to say in Sykora's case.

Boucher is expendable and will be replaced by Alex Goligoski in the fall. He is much younger, cheaper and far more talented in the offensive zone, and has shown flashes of being able to confidently stand people up at the blue line. Gill is a bit more of a loss in this author's opinion (notice I did not say we as some authors of this blog disagree with this sentiment). Yes he is slow, yes he put a few goals in behind MAF himself, but he has excellent reach, is great on the PK and spends the majority of his ice time in front of the net. He will be missed when he is gone which most likely will be now rather than later. Ben Lovejoy will be used much like Goligoski was this year to replace the injured and shake things up when necessary.

In goal John Curry is more than capable when it comes to backing up MAF. He will sign another deall and Caron will hit the road to go find some other team to back stop for a bit. While not quite as experienced, Curry has shown he is solid between the pipes the past two years in Wilkes-Barre Scranton and posted a 2.38 GAA with a .913 save percentage last season.

Now that our blue line back to goal is set...

As far as Fedotenko and Guerin are concerned I can see them both coming back to wear the black and gold. Tenk will most likely get a slight bump in his $2.25 million salary and sign for 2 years. Bad ass Billy G on the other hand is the tricky point. He is far from young, but seems to have picked up one hell of a step playing along side Sid this post season. Not to mention the fact that if you were at the parade or watched it on TV, both fans and Geno alike were cheering for "one more year". I could see Guerin taking a slightly smaller deal to play one more year on Sid's wing in hopes of back-to-back cup runs. Or maybe I'm just fucking nutty.

When it comes to replacing Sykora and Satan, this falls squarely on the shoulders of some AHL'ers first. Luca Caputi, a 2007 draft choice, will more likely than not make his way to the steel city in the fall. He is a power forward, and in his brief stint with the parent club this past season, he showed fans just what he is capable of doing when thrown on a line with Crosby. In our opinion he will see time on Geno's wing instead with Fedotenko on the other side. The question mark is Eric Tangradi. The 6'4" winger that came over as part of the Ryan Whitney deal and while he is still getting comfortable in his own skin he put up 88 points in 55 games this season playing for the Belleville Bulls of the OHL. He was injured in the playoffs this season when his hand was lascerated and required surgery. What happens next with him is up in the air until he is fully recovered. Satan's replacement will most likely come in the form of Ryan Stone, Tim Wallace, Conner James or Pittsburgh's own Bill Thomas. Time for these prospects who have been in the system for a few years to have a real shot and with Danny B. as coach, I'm sure he has one or two in mind.

To throw another wrench in the works, the NHL draft is another time of trades and deals that could change everything in a heartbeat. The latest news out of Ottawa is that Dany Heatley wants out... now. GM Bryan Murray is working the phones to try out this trade and see what can happen come draft time, which brings me to an interesting thought... Heatley in a Pens sweater.

Now before you start screaming at your computer just wait... I know we're right up against the cap... after crunching the numbers on the list of players I just gave you it'll be tough to bring everyone back let alone add someone, but let's look at this from a hypothetical view point. Besides we have Ray Shero on our sides and who knows what that man has in the works. Heatley has 4 years left on his six-year, $45 million contract which will hit at $7.5 million next year. Ouch. But this guy also had 39 goals and 72 points last year... nothing to just pass off. Here's the deal. Jordan Staal has a VERY nice $4 million a year cap hit... something this author has considered trade bait from the moment he was offered the contract. While he is a good forward with great potential, do we really need $22 million tied up down the middle? I think not. Jordan Staal and a conditional 2nd round pick in the 2010 draft for Dany Heatley. Not nearly as crazy as it sounds, and if this happens you can plug him in with Geno or Sid and not bring back Guerin or Tenk, and the best part is we'd have him for 4 years!

The downside to this idea? The cap. While it seems the NHL has weathered the storm for this year, that is because the economic downturn happened late enough in the season that sponsorships and company suites had already been purchased. That will not be the case for this coming season which could spell disaster for the 2010-2011 season. A drop in cap space would make this deal an utter disaster and would be troublesome for the Pens and a good majority of the teams in the league with little to no space (see also: Detroit Red Wings). This can possibly be avoided by re-opening the Collective Bargaining Agreement and fudging with some of the Player's Association rules, all of which can happen at any time, but we won't get into that long and complicated mess right now.

Also on draft weekend Penguins fans will get to see Shero make choices in each and every round... yes, that's right... we actually have picks this year! Seven of them to be exact. Hopefully we'll stockpile a few forwards (see also: WINGERS DAMMIT!) and anything else GM Ray Shero sees fit. It will be nice to see Shero use a full draft again and pick up some talent for the future. We have some great, young talent waiting in the wings (pun unintended) but we always need to keep the flow alive.

That's it for today... a look at the 2009-2010 Penguins... please note the author of this post, while a hockey fanatic, has no ties to the Pittsburgh Penguins and talks out of his ass more often than not. Stay tuned up to and including the draft and free agency for more looks inside the Penguins organization.

**EDIT** The Pittsburgh Penguins and Alex Goligoski have agreed on a three-year contract worth $5.5 million. Gogo's new cap number is $1,833,333. Jesus couldn't they have fucking rounded that?