Best headline ever: sign of the times edition

Man bites off man's finger at Obama healthcare rally

Really, people? We're resorting to biting off people's digits to get our point across?

Can you imagine if this happened during the Constitutional Convention? That would have been one hell of a Madison-Jefferson letter.

M'colleague, Thom, I am writing you whilst taking for granted my very own grip on my quill; today during our elaborate discussion about whether to more faithfully adhere to Thomas Hobbes' Social Contract or Jean-Jacques Rousseau's State of Nature...a guy got his frickin' FINGER bitten off, man...Jesus...just be glad you're overseas banging your slaves, because this is getting pretty ugly.

That's an actual quote from James Madison.

Best Headline Ever 1.1: Greensburg Edition

Man with syringe, claiming he has HIV, robs businesses.

Step aside, Capone and Luciano, this criminal mastermind is coming to a Sunoco A-Plus or a Motel 3 near you:

State police in Greensburg are looking for a man who robbed a motel and a gas station while wielding a syringe and claiming to be infected with HIV, the virus that causes AIDS.

Only in Hempfield township. Legendary place.

Best Headline Ever 1.0

60-foot penis painted on roof

Wait, it gets even better:

And even better still:

"An 18-year-old has secretly painted a 60ft drawing of a phallus on the roof of his parents' £1million mansion in Berkshire. It was there for a year before his parents found out. They say he'll have to scrub it off when he gets back from travelling."

YES.