This week in ballsy mayors

This is a few weeks old, but according to multiple sources and reported in the City Paper, Pittsburgh's Boy Mayor had some choice words for his G20 critics at the ACLU - and he did it all ironically donning riot gear. This is genius:

It's not every day you hear about Mayor Luke Ravenstahl appearing in police riot gear, taunting the head of the local American Civil Liberties Union and dropping the f-bomb in front of the city's media elite.
...
Ravenstahl used his moment on stage to send a message to ACLU state legal director Vic Walczak, who has sharply criticized the city's handling of G-20 protesters. According to multiple sources, Ravenstahl said something like this: "I heard we're going to face a free-speech lawsuit. Well, I have some free speech for you -- fuck you, Vic Walczak."

What a beast. We knew there was a reason why we liked the guy. Go get 'em, Luke. Just be home before the streetlights come on, or Onorato's going to get all "goosey" on you.

Wahhhhhhhhhhh

You have to laugh at everyone going balls-crazy about Mayor Ravenstahl setting some ground rules for protestors at the upcoming G20 summit in Pittsburgh later this month. Although we here at tRBT believe not only in the First Amendment but also in civil disobedience when necessary, we have to shake our heads at the class acts going bonkers all over the place. We will get to our reasons in a moment.

First, here's the story thus far. In light of recent protests at previous G20 summits, our young Mayor decided to put some limitations on what people can and cannot bring to their respective rage against the machine. Some of the things not allowed are handcuffs, piping, masks and 2x4's. Consequently, every attention whore in the city, the most guilty being veteran protest ham David Meiern of Squirrel Hill, has decided to voice their opinion about how Luke Ravenstahl is trying to limit their rights of free speech and, in one woman's unfortunately mixed-up opinion, abortions (?!).

"Why am I wearing this polar bear mask, you might ask," Mr. Meiern said. "It may be that I want to commit a crime, or it may be that the ice upon which polar bears are depending is melting as we speak."

Not to dignify an asenine comment like that with a response, but we compiled a list of things we are concerned about as well, and it has nothing to do with polar bears - sorry Mr. Meiern. But when you're getting ready to stand outside of a bank or a Starbuck's (where you probably bought a cup of coffee last week) or a Panera bread or wherever the fuck you think a news camera from the station you DVR'ed is, please keep the following in mind:

• Where were you folks, you know, the rest of the time? Suddenly, now that the finance ministers and bank governors from 19 other countries are coming to town you're pissed off about corporations? Why take your anger out on Giant Eagle and PNC Bank now, when as soon as this is over you're going to go back to whatever it is you people do, which most likely is nothing?
• Don't waste carbon dioxide vomiting up idiotic banter about animals that you truly are making no effort to save. In fact, the economic policies of the countries of which you're so pissed off about probably allocate more money to conservation efforts than you save on your water bills by only showering once a week - so get over yourself.
• You are not Che Guevara. You are a guy or a gal on his or her lunch break with a sign. You are not in Palestine; you are in Pittsburgh. Relax, and if you throw something at the cop, he's going to beat you and arrest you, and it's not "the system's" fault - it's yours for being that immature about it.
• Please don't hurt anything too badly in the city, we really really like it. Like a lot.

That is all. Again: we like protesting. We just really hate stupid people.

G20 Update: Pittsburgh sites getting some serious Obama-lovin'

Picture this: Guido Mantega drunkenly pimp strutting around Phipps conservatory, commenting on the frangipanis and sipping on white wine. He walks over to a corner and watches Christine Lagarde and Pranab Mukhergee fall in love under the orchids. He cries a tear of Brazilian passion.

Fast forward to the Warhol; the usual hipsters that stand outside smoking cigarettes and talking about existentialism come face-to-face with our First Lady, who cares not for tight pants and The Shins. She orders them all to be tased (victory!) and promply goes to set up her luncheon.

I'm not going to comment on the fact that kids from CAPA will be perfoming for the G20 delegation, because everyone grew up with a CAPA kid in the neighborhood and we all remember how we treated them.

G20 Update

Be very, very afraid. Pittsburgh Police begin training for G20 protests. At Brashear High School, no less.

Lesson 1: How to resist a steak & egg Primani sammitch from now until September

Ryan is a burnout - G20 in the 412 this time, bitches

Hopefully not a Pittsburgher, not pissed off in the Strip District.

I was going to let Ryan take the glory for this last week, but he was allegedly too busy.

“It is great to see Pittsburgh recognized as the world class city that it is,” said Laura Ellsworth, partner in charge of Jones Day’s Pittsburgh office. The international law firm has offices in 11 of the G20 nations. “Our clients around the world are looking at Pittsburgh as a leader because it has faced problems like pollution from an industrial area, and its rebirth, multiple times, through an evolving economy and now going into a green phase. To focus on the city now will only increase our ability to serve that leadership role.”

In light of the summit, we've decided that for one day, we should host a panel. We're getting a list of topics ready:

• A suggestion to codify as law the impact that Jeff Goldblum, Michael Keaton and that douchebag from Central Catholic who played Spock in the new Star Trek movie have had on international film.
  
• Zone Blitz Economy: How electing Dick LeBeau as Supreme Commander of the Free World will solve our global economic crisis
• Pierogies are international - a report from one Polish Pittsburgher to the World
  
• The role of the cole slaw on a Primanti Bros. sandwich
• Kris Letang, Marc-Andre Fleury and the French-Canadian accent: A lesson in Globalization
• Why liberal Americans are racists and sexists for supporting Hispanic, female Supreme Court nominees.
• The Pittsburgh Pirates, and how they differ from the Somali pirates: a brief introduction

We're going to hit the G20 up and see if they would want us to discuss any of these. I think the last one is going to be my dissertation one day.