Thursday, January 21, 2010

For your health

It always seems that there is an air of health-consciousness swirling around this time of year, as we reach the fourth and final week in which most people will actually continue their New Year's Resolutions. Keeping health in mind, John C. Reilly's hilarious character from Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job, Dr. Steve Brule, has some advice and living tips for you. Enjoy:

Godsmacked: Steve Doocy, classy as ever

There was something inherently funny about the story of Bible verses being secretly embedded on the ACOG scopes used on U.S. Military rifles. Some folks would cite the irony of having Bible quotes on a weapon, other P.C. bastards would lament the absence of congruent verses from the Talmud or the Qur'an. Some people in fact got pretty pissed about it.

Fox News' Steve Doocy had another message regarding the 'Jesus guns'. Like the child in detention who, through fits of anger and tears, appeals that the fight was started by the other kid, Doocy blames the unjust criticism of the news on the real child who started this fight: Muslims.
"My wife made a good observation yesterday when we were taking about this story, and that is, 'Hey, wait a minute, the Taliban and the extremists -- what is it they say just before they blow themselves up which kills somebody, they say, 'Allahu Akbar.'' So if anybody's making this a religious thing, they started it," Doocy said.
Hmm...combat exttremism with extremism! I think your wife is onto something, Steve. They started the whole fundamentalist-religious-nutbag thing; we're just following suit. In fact, let's start doing this with all the things that the Arabs started - like algebra. Maybe if you worked on polynomial circles a little more and spent less time at the Fox studio, you would look less like the massive fucking douchebag that you are.

John Edwards: Caught with his "Pants on the Ground"

You know, Josh and I were really beginning to enjoy our brief sabbatical from the blogging world. We've been swamped at work, booze-drenched on the weekends and overall too disgruntled with the very news we were perusing each day for inspiration to jot down one word of any real weight on this thing (which of course would be one word more than anything else on here that's worth a damn).

In retrospect, we missed golden opportunities time after time to post poignant, shrewd remarks about current events, which seemed to get stranger each day of this new decade:

- We allowed Mark McGwire to get off scott-free, without even a "lick my taint" tag from Rustbelt (we've got you now, Markie - see below - oh yeah, and fuck you).

- We didn't contribute, for obvious reasons, to the media shitstorm and profiteering from the terrible tragedy in Haiti. Hell, we let Pat Robertson blame a pact with Satan on that earthquake - without even a "lick my taint" tag for him either! (done and done - oh yeah, fuck you too, Pat Robertson).

- I think an election upset happened, too...we'll let the pros cover this one.

- We didn't get the opportunity to proclaim loudly to our five readers (if they're even still around) that we are, in fact, with Coco, something that among all of these missed opportunities I am actually truly sorry for. Our hatred for NBC in reaction to them closing down the big screen outside of the Igloo will be duly sustained for years to come . Or until we cave and watch 30 Rock.

But it was not the events above, dear reader, that got us out of the Fortress of Solitude we were hunkered down inside somewhere in the Yukon. All appropriate enough to bring an exile's return, it would take more to get two lazy bloggers off of their asses, into clean clothes and out of our fuzzy obscurity that has been 2010. And John Edwards did it for us, in more ways than one.

What a guy. Now that I have gotten to what I had initially wanted to comment on, it has a degree of frivolity to it that almost seems silly to go on. The bastard cheated on his wife multiple times, who at the time was being treated for cancer. That alone is reason enough to never regard John Edwards as a good guy for the rest of his nice haircut-sporting life. But, after all of that, to resurface in the news nearly two years later with the confirmation that you have a love child? Wow.

This is a guy that really had a free ride into his second consecutive campaign as a candidate for Vice-President of the United States. He was a fulcrum in the midst of the see-saw of death and bodily fluids that was the Obama-Clinton primary. Through the debates he emitted that squeaky-clean, Southern Democrat, safe-bet-for-a-VP aura. But it turned out he was not only a big enough douche to cheat on his wife, but a big enough moron to get one of those lucky ladies pregnant. What an unbelievable piece of shit.

At least, amidst all of the other bad shit happening, Edward's admission of his wrongdoing is helping make this decade a success: by starting off with your standards exceedingly low, we certainly are not destined for disappointment in the roaring 'teens. Not the way we're going.

That's actually the exact mind-state we have been in regarding the blog.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Some lovin' from USA hockey

We're a few days behind on this, but what the hell...

Rustbelt would like to extend our congrats to the USA World Juniors Champions. This team of kids who will earn more in one year than we will in a lifetime future NHL'ers defeated Canada 6-5 in overtime after blowing a two goal lead late in the third. We salute you sons of hockey... Hopefully the USA Olympic team will have the same results.

Also if you haven't seen this yet, take a look... Nothing like pubescent screaming after winning gold:

*Author's note: If you couldn't quite follow that difficult rhyme scheme, the last line is "we just kicked your fucking ass"*

Jason Bay the...Met?

Let's play a fun game! Click Jason's big Canadian smile below to find how long it will take him to earn your annual salary!

Are you committing suicide yet? Can you believe this guy was a Pirate? What is the meaning of life?

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

This week in mind-blowingly awesome metal

British actor Sir Christopher Lee, who is 87 years old, just cut a symphonic heavy-metal concept album about Charlemagne, the first Holy Roman Emperor.

Yes, folks, you read that correctly. In a bold move from his old post at Isengard, Saruman the White is now singing songs about shedding the blood of the Saxons. Metal!

Hey, that kinda looks like Ryan

You're curious, admit it. That's why you should check some of the jams out below, so you can see what caused our skin to legitimately melt off of our face. Charlemagne metal!! From Christopher fucking Lee!

Electronic Press KitQuantcast

h/t Gamma Squad

Fuck you, Ron Cook

You know what? We've temporarily transformed into a sports blog, and you're going to have to deal with it. We apologize that Steelers and Penguins talk, along with the occasional irate comment about the Pirates' front office, is a shit ton more interesting than the mundane and head-slammingly-stupid stuff going on in the news and current events department.

No, it is sports that has our attention at the very moment. And you know what else? The fact that we are in Great Depression 2.0, and amidst all of the job seekers and college grads out pounding the pavement looking for gainful employment, Ron Cook is still permitted churn out the worst sports columns in the history of man.

Not only are they generally boring, but his columns insult Pittsburgh sports fans with highbrow dickheadedness you should only be able to find at this very blog and from the lips of Mark Madden. He wrote one a few weeks ago slamming hockey fans for getting energized about a fight rather than a big win. He constantly berates Steelers fans, incessantly touting his supreme knowledge of the game over us common folk's desire to see a good football team and a good batch of coaches (a pun in there for Josh) hit the field. He repeated this offense today, in defense of Bruce Arians.

Arians is no kid -- he's 57 -- but he has kept up with the times.

He gets it.

It's hard to say that same thing about many Steelers fans. They conveniently forget that Arians' offense was plenty good enough to help the team win the championship last season, especially during a magical fourth-quarter drive in Super Bowl XLIII. But they can't wait to blame him for the failures this season, unfair as that blame is. If I received a nickel every time somebody said he needs to be more committed to the running game, I'd be a wealthy man. It's ridiculous.

Wrong, bitch. Rather than forget, we remember than Ben was in charge during that last scoring drive in the Big Dance last year. That's why Roethlisberger has such a hard-on for papa Arians, because he lets the beefcake QB call sixty percent of the plays. It's Ben who is keeping that offense in sync, not Arians.

But it doesn't matter what else we type here. It doesn't mater that Arians probably deserves getting fired, doesn't matter that Steelers fans are mad as hell about all of this. The fact is, at the end of the day, Ron Cook is still going to have a job writing a shitty sports column for a decent newspaper, and we're still going to claim to know all there is to know about the great sport of American football. Life goes on, I guess. But we're so goddamn mad at this bastard!

Again I say: Fuck you, Ron Cook.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Late Night Video Club

Broken Bells - The High Road

For our first 2010 Late Night we present Danger Mouse & James Mercer of The Shins doin' their thing in style.

2010 Steelers Preview 1.5: Quarterback Coach

Mar promised you wouldn't have to put up with further Steelers nonsense until we broke down the draft and attempted to put together what the team needs. He lied. News out of P-tahn is that quarterbacks coach Ken Anderson retired today. This, along with the news that Bruce "yub nub" Arians may finally be shown the goddamn door, has us wondering who will step up.

For the former, we have an idea:

Now before you get all up in arms screaming about how he's still our backup quarterback just wait. Batch is 35 years old, and while there are a few quarterback's in the league playing beyond that age, it is time to start thinking about the future. We watched Dennis Dixon play in college, and after a good start in Baltimore, marred by the horrendous play calling of Arians, we find him to be quite suitable in the backup role. In fact, if good ol' Bruce had let him move more and act less like Big Ben we may have pulled out a win. Asshole...

Anyway... Batch has been a part of this team since 2002. He has been around since the days of Kordell Stewart and Tommy Maddox. Last we checked Slash is going to be working for that joke of a football league, the UFL and Maddox is... well who the hell knows.

He took Ben under his wing just as much as Bettis took Willie Parker under his, and if you don't think he has been doing the same with Dixon than you can kindly go piss up a rope. He has seen the different systems run in this town, and the man knows how to break it down for young, doe-eyed ball chuckers.

We will watch as this situation unfolds, but for now Rustbelt is officially casting its vote for Charlie Batch as the new quarterbacks coach of the Pittsburgh Steelers... You listening Art Rooney 2?!

The Continuing Story of Bungalow Bruce

In other Steelers' news, we learned today that all of those Christmas prayers we sent up to the six-pound, eight-ounce baby Jesus may have come true: miraculously, Steelers coach Mike Tomlin finally listened to us and is going to fire Bruce Arians.

This has only been reported on Pittsburgh's local ESPN radio station, so let's not get our hopes up just yet. However, this would be an epic win for Steelers fans if true. Everyone knows that our smashmouth style of play has been tainted with Arians' shoddy playcalling and belief that you don't need a fullback to run the ball (turns out you do).

Frontal view of Bruce "Dreamkiller" Arians.
Seriously, fuck him.

So farewell, Bruce, you bastard. May you take your stupid sunglasses and your staggeringly predictable two tight-end sets to another team, of which I am sure you will do your best to continue your plot to alienate fans and ruin lives. Godspeed, John Glenn.

2010 Steelers Preview 1.0: Free Agents

Greetings, children, and a happy new year from our dysfunctional family to yours. We have fully recovered from our hangovers the holidays and are looking forward to another year of astute observation in all the things you care about, so long as you care about the same things we care about. Otherwise, you're a douche.

They tell me in that blur that was the first weekend of "the year before the year before the Mayan Apocalypse" that the Steelers won, but were eliminated from the playoffs amid other teams' key wins or losses. That saddened me at the time, from what I remember, and the knowledge is presently doing so yet again.

So, in a way to sort-of get over the fact that football season is over in our great city, we glanced at the list of Steelers who are up for free agency, and compiled a list of who we think should stay, who we think should go, and who we think should be kicked down that random hole in Sparta.

Here is the list of the prominent Steelers who, pending negotiations, are up for Free Agency: Tyrone Carter, Ryan Clark, Casey Hampton, William Gay, Travis Kirschke, Willie Parker, Jeff Reed, Daniel Sepulveda, Willie Colon and DeShea Townsend. Some of our commentary below is cross-posted from a reply I made to friend of the blog's Champsburgh, a blog you should be checking out because they're smarter than you. Okay, off we go:

- Let Tyrone Carter go. He is turning 34 this year and is in the twilight of his career. We can nab another cornerback in free agency, if need be. Truth be told, we better be drafting another cornerback in the first few rounds anyways, because I think Ike Taylor's flash in the pan years are about over.

- Willie Gay should stick around. His poor performance this year may actually help in contract talks. Remember how rocky Troy Polamalu's start in this league was? Gay is 24 and, with a push, has the potential to light things up in the secondary.

- Ryan Clark should be re-signed because of how cohesive he and Troy make the defense. He was frustrated and made some stupid comments this year; but who could replace him? I would like to see him make more plays when the ball is in the air, rather than just laying big hits on a receiver who has already made a catch. Still, letting Clark go would be high-risk, low-reward immediately.

- Peace out, Jeff Reed. He's old and I don't think necessarily reformed in his ways. Don't expect the Rooneys to offer him an extension, and don't expect us to care. We see him taking a job working with Joe Francis, traveling around to college towns and creeping out underage girls.

- Sepulveda needs to stay. So long as our special teams collectively gets its shit together, Sepulveda's punts have been a breath of fresh air next to those lobs that Berger used to put up last year. Danny is clutch, and can kick the ball and hit if called to action.

- So long, Deshea. He'll be 35 next season, and I don't really know what he could do to remedy the Steelers' pass defense. Actually, Deshea should retire. I would rather see DeWayne Washington back in the secondary than see Deshea back there. He has a great attitude and pretty good vision, but is pretty worthless in most coverage packages. In being a defensive back, you need to be a) young or b) fast as all hell. Deshea Townshend is neither of these things.

- I wish we could fire Willie Colon. I would rather take my chances drafting an O-line man and starting him as a rookie, but knowing the Rooneys' forgiving stance on linemen, I see Colon sticking around. He could be replaced, though, and is most definitely the weakest link on that line. He is the Rico Fata of that Offensive Line, next to Max Starks' Ryan Whitney.

- I would like to see Willie Parker offered a contract, and I see the Rooneys doing so. Unfortunately, based on Rashard showing flashes of LT this season, Parker is going to have to take a pay cut to stick around, something that is improbable when dealing with a running back with two Super Bowl rings. Parker has been frustrated with the Bruce Arians offense (as we all have - oh yeah, FIRE ARIANS) and I can see him leaving. Sad, because Parker is a good guy and a dependably speedy running back.

- Hampton is another player that I would like to see re-signed but will probably be cut loose. The Steelers have not liked his volatile weight issues, and his playing style is a little extreme. He is always on the verge of an injury. But guess what? The man is still a beast and is going to the Pro Bowl this year. I say sign Hampton, especially in light of other defensive woes.

- I like Travis Kirschke, but the man is 35. He is always hurt, and his on-again, off-again status is affecting would-be replacements. I would like to see our drafted D linemen (like Ziggy Hood) get polished. I respect veteran players, but in a position like the D line, we need a young guy to match the veterans in Kiesel, Smith and Hampton. Let Kirschke go.

That is all for now. We will be returning (as well as with quasi-regular posting again) with a 2.0 feature regarding potential draft picks. Until then, thank you for toughing it out on this long ass post. Go Pens.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

New job for the Penguins' coaching staff

Bobsled team (from the Penguins' official website):
BUFFALO, NY -- After an adventurous trip the Pittsburgh Penguins have finally reached their hotel in Buffalo, NY – a trip which included several run-ins with Mother Nature – most notably the sight of the Penguins coaching and support staff pushing a team bus after it became stuck on a slick Buffalo street.

With the Penguins about three blocks from reaching their hotel the first bus carrying the players, coaches and support staff could not get its wheels moving on the snow-covered streets. Within seconds head coach Dan Bylsma and several others were rushing out of the door to the rear of the vehicle.

You can't fool us, Yeo. We know you're half-assing that push.

20 Bucks says Granato's the first one in

The Yemen Song

Yes, I know that's my second Zeppelin reference in a row today; suck it.

Since we are predator-droning the "khara" out of Afghanistan right now but still getting terrorized by al-Qaida and their explosive underwear from hell, some folks over in intelligence have decided to pull their heads out of their collective ass and figure out exactly what is going on (read: what is going WRONG) with the War on Terror.

That, and they're probably asking themselves why security and customs employees at airports are so incompetent. They really are. Don't let people onto planes with a gun, a knife, a bomb or a pact with their respective deity to blow the West to shit. Easier than a union job.

But all of that aside, there are others, lawmakers, who are asking another question: why not start another war? Because there certainly are at least, like, eight other countries that classify as an Arab nation that we are currently not at war with. Why not start one with...Yemen? Jesus...

And not only are people starting to freak out about Yemen, but some of those fears might not necessarily be futile: apparently Yemen is a pretty good farm team for al-Qaida.

In short, we are all going to die. CBS agrees. Ho ho fucking ho.

Your "no shit" headline of the day

Metallica drummer struggles with ringing in ears

Breakthrough piece on tinnitus, CNN. I had not a clue in the world that a drummer in a heavy fucking metal band probably suffers from some kind of hearing affliction. Well, that and the thing that agonizes all rock drummers - pure balls-out insanity.

Look at old Bonzo, for chrissakes. Tell me that man didn't have hearing issues (some of which were probably catalyzed by the pure grain alcohol he like to pour into his system by the quart) among other afflictions.

In fact, the ringing in Lars Ulrich of Metallica's ears probably has been caused by his own laughter after running to the bank. It's either that or, by accident, that poor bastard discovered his band's Pirate Bay page.