Saturday, May 30, 2009

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Some sweet heavy lifting...



Yes we know that is from last year, but how can you watch that and not feel chills run down your spine. Also the thought of Douggie Weight (like him or hate him) lifting the cup with a separated shoulder is just fucking hard...

2009 STANLEY CUP FINAL
SERIES O
#2 vs. #4
Network
Saturday, May 30 at Detroit, 8:00 pm NBC, CBC, RDS
Sunday, May 31 at Detroit, TBD-Night NBC, CBC, RDS
Tuesday, June 2 at Pittsburgh, 8:00 pm VERSUS, CBC, RDS
Thursday, June 4 at Pittsburgh, 8:00 pm VERSUS, CBC, RDS
* Saturday, June 6 at Detroit, 8:00 pm NBC, CBC, RDS
* Tuesday, June 9 at Pittsburgh, 8:00 pm NBC, CBC, RDS
* Friday, June 12 at Detroit, 8:00 pm NBC, CBC, RDS

Go Pens.

The PA Senate budget, in short

Remember when we said goodbye to nature?

Well, we didn't think it was this bad.

The DCNR released a substantially large list (a little less than half of PA's total) of state parks that would be at risk of closing under the proposed budget.

Say goodbye to Bendigo, Elk, Kinzua Bridge, Blue Knob, Clear Creek, Colonel Denning, Fowlers Hollow, Big Spring Delaware Canal, Ralph Stover, Evansburg, Greenwood Furnace, Penn Roosevelt, Whipple Dam, Kettle Creek, Ole Bull, Linn Run, Laurel Summit, Laurel Mountain, Little Pine, Hyner Run, Pine Bottom Memorial, Lake Swatara, M K Goddard, Mt Pisgah, Oil Creek, RB Winter, McCalls Dam, Sand Bridge, Ravensburg, Reeds Gap, Poe Paddy, Poe Valley, Ryerson Station, Sizerville Tobyhanna, Gouldsboro, Big Pocono, Yellow Creek, White Clay, Norristown, Warriors Path, Trough Creek, Prompton, Salt Spring, Archbald Pothole and Sam Lewis state park, if these obscure and borderline insignificant state legislators have their way.

I wonder; if all of these parks close, won't there be other repurcussions?
The department said the Senate budget plan also would require a $1 million reduction in central and regional office staffing, elimination of a tree seedling program that sells 400,000 seedlings a year to landowners, and cut $3 million from the state forest road maintenance program, resulting in the closing of 1,000 miles of forest roads used for hunting, fishing and other recreation.
Shit.

State Senator Mary Jo White is the Chair of the PA Senate Environmental Resources & Energy Committee. Her Harrisburg Office number is (717) 787-9684. Her district office is (814) 432-4345. Her email is mwhite@pasen.gov

Do your worst.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Lancaster. VOMIT.

It wouldn't have taken Forbes magazine to confirm this. We would have believed it if you just straight up said it was a fact.

But now we have on paper that Lancaster County, PA is one of Forbes Magazine's "Top 10 Places to Grow Old."

So, as if Lancaster wasn't boring enough, it is now renowned as one of the few great places to catch a good early bird special breakfast, take 2 hours to make a left hand turn, and die. Awesome.

And the Number One place? Montgomery County, PA.

Ah, Pennsylvania. Our state budget is shot to hell, our young people are heading elsewhere and you can't buy booze at grocery stores; but damn can we attract the shit out of a retiree.

How come the only people freaking out are conservatives?

Via Media Matters comes this lovely snippet of the fear-mongering the right is going to try and stir up about having someone other than a white, Protestant male in the Supreme Court. Guess how many people in this video are white?

Yep, all of them. And they all shockingly are terrified of Sonia (or as Huckabee calls her, Maria) Sotomayor.

And they should be - They're right. Sotomayor's status as a Latina woman is totally going to affect her ruling, and neither her Hispanic side nor her female side knows what it's like to be white or a male. So we are all in deep, deep shit.

Because, you know, none of the Justices presently on the bench have reputedly been racists or sexists in any way.

Going to Liberty College this fall? Are you a Democrat?

If so, you're totally fucked.

In another round of religious nutjobs doing stuff to discredit themselves while administering irrational ultraconservative rules that would scare the bejeezus (pun intended) out of any normal human being, Liberty College decided yesterday that the College Democrats' beliefs are not conducive to to the Liberty way of life, and thus the organization is forbidden to assemble on school grounds.

Does anyone else think this is epically hilarious that the name of the college is Liberty, and they are rescinding an organization's recognition at the university?
"The Democratic Party platform is contrary to the mission of LU and to Christian doctrine (supports abortion, federal funding of abortion, advocates repeal of the federal Defense of Marriage Act, promotes the 'LGBT' agenda, Hate Crimes, which include sexual orientation and gender identity, socialism, etc)," Hine wrote in the e-mail to the LU College Democrats.
Ah, yes. The always-concrete argument that Democrats are baby Jesus hatin' abortionist sodomites who think women should be more than just a baby-churner-outer (only under the sacrament of marriage, of course) and conduct hate crimes on all the fetuses, straight parents and combustible engines in this here one nation under God.

Of course, when you're a private Christian university, you don't have to worry about that whole civil liberties thing. Which is why they maintain a pretty consistent clientele.

This is, after all, the same university that was founded by a damned lunatic who had some really intelligent, tolerant and Christian things to say. Some of my favorites include:
“AIDS is not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is God's punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals”

“[homosexuals are] brute beasts...part of a vile and satanic system [that] will be utterly annihilated, and there will be a celebration in heaven.”

"I hope I live to see the day when, as in the early days of our country, we won't have any public schools. The churches will have taken them over again and Christians will be running them. What a happy day that will be!"

"You've got to kill the terrorists before the killing stops. And I'm for the president to chase them all over the world. If it takes 10 years, blow them all away in the name of the Lord."
Yep, great guy that Falwell. And his university, in his rather permanent absence, is still hitting the ground running in that ol' Falwell way.

Somewhere, the Purple Teletubby is laughing at all of this. And hopefully pissing on Falwell's grave.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Suck it, Cowher: PENS IN FOUR.


"Spit shine your shoes, Mabel - you're going to dance with Lord Stanley again!" - Mike Lange

Do not miss this

Have you watched Man vs. Wild? Do you love it like we do? Then you will know there is only one thing the show is missing, and that is Will Ferrell.
Here's the preview:


"Will did an amazing job in sub-zero, very unforgiving conditions," Grylls says. "He trusted me when it mattered and we survived... He should be very proud of how he performed."
Tuesday, June 2, 10 pm, Discovery Channel. This is gonna be freakin' sweet.

The economy is crunked

We didn't listen to Paul Krugman. Luckily, he doesn't think we are in an "utter catastrophe" anymore; but the point is, we are not listening to heralded economists, leaders of nations or anyone else for that matter. Yet, all around us is insurmountable evidence that we are in a pretty bad economic recession. Today's sign of the times: an apparent lack of bling around the necks of rappers these days.

You heard it here, folks. No more getting "iced out" or rockin' your fresh grillz vis-a-vis Paul Wall; the economy is hurting so bad that our most coveted American musicians can no longer flaunt the coin.


Snoop just isn't going to look as cool sipping out of
an old-fasioned beer mug, man.


Perhaps the most insightful comment came from "Slim" Williams, co-founder of Cash Money Records, the organization which initially coined the phrase "bling" in the late 90's.
"People think these big pieces are blindin' but they be like D-quality diamonds, and when you try and sell them you learn they ain't worth a thing; You can't be doing it like we did it no more."
You're damn right, Slim. But that's cuz we be in, like, a D-quality economy right now.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

More on the Steelers' re-education camp experience:

Of course Pompeani ruins it. Whata douche...he would bring up Styx.

Best part: when Barack pimps your world by saying "hold up folks, I got a little somethin-somethin."

Michelle Bachmann was also right.

Remember this crazy-ass statement? Did you laugh and think, "Man, this bitch is crazy!" like we did? Well I think Michelle Bachmann, not Hines Ward, is having the last laugh.

Hines ward (center), being forced by Obama Gestapo to assemble this package for soldiers abroad. The Steelers were lured to the White House by promises of meeting the President, then forced into re-education camps, where they will stay until they are reformed, according to a White House press release.

Damn. James Harrison knew.

Dick Cheney was right.

Our country is, like, soooo less safe.

Tell that to the FBI, who just broke up what most certainly would have been a devastating attack. Except for the fact that they had been following these kids for quite some time, and even sold them the bombs, which were fake. They even used Bush/Cheney buzzwords like "terrorist" and "jihad."
The four men arrested Wednesday night in what the authorities said was a plot to bomb two synagogues in the Bronx and shoot down military planes at an Air National Guard base in Newburgh, N.Y. were petty criminals who appeared to be acting alone, not in concert with any terrorist organization, the New York City police commissioner said Thursday.

The men were arrested in an elaborate sting operation at around 9 p.m. on Wednesday after planting what they believed to be bombs in cars outside the Riverdale Temple, a Reform synagogue, and the nearby Riverdale Jewish Center, an Orthodox synagogue.
See, Dick? We're still fighting those 'turrorists'. In fact, Barry's getting the job done a little more efficiently than you. First, he killed pirates. Now, his FBI stopped the first attack plotted on American soil since the beginning of his term. I can't remember if your guy did that or not.

Yep, I'm feeling pretty unsafe right now.

Mr. Tomlin goes to Washington

Today is a very special day for this blog. Two of our most beloved entities, the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Obama Administration will be converging in our nation's capitol today to talk about how nice winning is, among other things.

The team, sans all-star linebacker James Harrison, will be visiting the White House today, and will be joined by five police officers who were colleagues of the three officers slain last month. They are the first Super Bowl team to be greeted by the new president, an appropriate honor for the first team to get six of these. Bitches.

Considering this president has a pretty good approval rating and has the support of people other than the solid quarter, I wonder if anyone is going to have any qualms about visiting him, or have certain issues he wants to bring up. Because, if I remember correctly, Joey Porter wanted a refund from Georgie.

Either way, you know we'll be posting the Youtube clip up as soon as we can find it. If we can find footage of the Steelers pimping Washington the way the Pens did last week, we'll put that up too.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Where's the frackin' hockey?!?

Whilst we all wait anxiously for game 2 of the Eastern Conference Finals, let us take a moment and reflect.



Go Pens.

Also: TRbT would like to extend apologies for the lack of posts by authors not named Mar. Measures have been taken to ensure that you will no longer have to deal with the laziness busy schedules of his fellow bloggers.

Thank goodness for Youtube.

I am so bummed I missed this live. What is more uncomfortable than watching Glenn Beck try to suppress tears while talking about how much he loves his country?

The answer: Watching the ladies at "The View" tear him a new asshole. Best part: Whoopi calling him "a lying sack of dog mess."

What does this look like?

Does it look like an otter? Maybe a marine/land mammal similar to a muskrat or beaver?

Turns out it's neither: it has been revealed that this here little Puijila Darwini is just science's new, improved way to bite its thumb at the Book of Genesis.


The Puijila, swimming in an ocean of sodomy. Double whammy.

In response, the GOP, citing that they are the viable mouthpiece of God (to hell with that whole Vatican thing) has issued a 2,462-page dissertation on the Puijila. They claim Biblical evidence indicates that this mammal which may be the missing link to evolution is actually a "Jesus-seahorse," which was long thought to be extinct.

In an additional response, the GOP has indicated that they have plenty of things to disagree with liberals about other than the now almost-proven theory of evolution. Social justice, taxes, tea-bagging, gays, torture, waterboarding and the notion that it is not torture, states' rights, abortion, the significance of 90's country music, other kinds of science, foreign policy, interpretation of the constitution and Carrie Prejean's glorious, glorious breastesses are all issues on which the parties can still find no common ground.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Back

Sorry for the brief posting hiatus, yinz guys. We were busy working on local elections celebrating the end of the onslaught of judicial candidate literature, which was murdering trees. Quickbeam is legit pissed about that.

Seriously...I want to know how many trees died from Michael Marmo's literature, and how many holes in the ozone layer were catalyzed by the plastic manufactured for all those Anthony Coghill signs. And you lost, you douchebag. So more trees died to make the tissues Matt Hogue is using right now. Man that kid is a tool.

It's a little early for this, but we are requesting a thank-you note (and maybe a thank-you post) from the Mayor. Without our endorsement, the seven people who check this blog regularly wouldn't have gone out to vote and would not have helped contribute to that massive beatdown we all just witnessed. Congrats, good sir. Now don't ever fucking let this happen again. Seriously; keep Danny Boy away from Hillary, and Hillary away from our children. Matter of fact, keep Dan away from our children, too. We all remember what he did to them geese.

In closing, sorry again for not posting anything for a few days. We're still reeling about the Pens glory, the Pirates on a winning streak and more conservatives pissed that Obama kills babies. Hell, Mar still hasn't stopped looking at his blackberry since the Puck Huffers girls emailed him back.

PS - I met a guy named LANDO today. AND he was a gitney driver. EPIC.

The author, right, pictured with his new acquaintance, Lando.

Friday, May 15, 2009

'Cause you know and I know that you now who I am

Although the Pens didn't play the Whalers in '91 on their way to greatness, the Bruins and the Whalers did play in the first series. In light of this throwback moment, here is the second installment of the 1991 mentality we have over here at tRBT when concerning our Pens.

1991. The Pens win the Cup and one of the greatest hip hop albums from one of the greatest groups ever was released to the masses.

How do you correlate an unrelated crisis to the nation of Iraq?

Simple; waterboard a few detainees until they're "compliant." It worked for Cheney back in 2003.
Wilkerson wrote that in one case, the CIA told Cheney's office that a prisoner under its interrogation program was now "compliant," meaning agents recommended the use of "alternative" techniques should stop.

At that point, "The VP's office ordered them to continue the enhanced methods," Wilkerson wrote.

"The detainee had not revealed any al Qaeda-Baghdad contacts yet. This ceased only after Ibn al-Shaykh al-Libi, under waterboarding in Egypt, 'revealed' such contacts."

Al-Libi's claim that Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein's government had trained al Qaeda operatives in producing chemical and biological weapons appeared in the October 2002 speech then-President Bush gave when pushing Congress to authorize military action against Iraq. It also was part of Powell's February 2003 presentation to the United Nations on the case for war, a speech Powell has called a "blot" on his record.

According to CNN, the main purpose of "modifed" interrogation techniques at the beginning of the Bush Administration was to identify a smoking gun linking Iraq to Al-Quaida, and thus the 9/11 attacks. Which makes a lot of sense, actually.

"This is my opinion," Maj. Paul Burney told the inspector-general's office. "Even though they were giving information and some of it was useful, while we were there a large part of the time we were focused on trying to establish a link between aI Qaeda and Iraq and we were not being successful in establishing a link between aI Qaeda and Iraq. The more frustrated people got in not being able to establish this link ... there was more and more pressure to resort to measures that might produce more immediate results."

So next time you're frustrated with your Google search for not finding that Rihanna pic that's been floating around, waterboard your computer. It'll eventually break down and surrender the information to you. Or you will get electrocuted.

Will someone please prosecute these motherfuckers so we can get on with our lives?

Thursday, May 14, 2009

I have no job, but stellar blood pressure.

Out of a job? Pfizer knows what it's like, what with all the jobs they've had to cut in order to stay aggressive in today's near-Apocalyptic marketplace.

And since Pfizer knows what it's like to have R&D guys (800, to be exact) stressed out about losing their jobs, they want to do you a favor. They want your blood pressure lower and your boner more majestic. And the only way to do this is to give people who lost their jobs free Lipitor and Viagra. And 70-plus more of Pfizer's prescription drugs.

"Everybody knows now a neighbor, a relative who has lost their job and is losing their insurance. People are definitely hurting out there," Dr. Jorge Puente, Pfizer's head of pharmaceuticals outside the U.S. and Europe and a champion of the project, told The Associated Press in an exclusive interview Wednesday. "Our aim is to help people bridge this point."

Applicants will have to sign a statement that they are suffering financial hardship and provide a "pink slip" or similar employer notice. Applications will be accepted through Dec. 31, with medication provided for up to 12 months after approval — or until the person becomes insured again.

Starting Thursday, patients can call a toll-free number, 866-706-2400, to sign up, and those whose drugs are not included in the program will be referred to other company aid programs. Starting July 1, patients can also apply through the Web site, http://www.PfizerHelpfulAnswers.com, which has information about the other Pfizer aid programs.

This isn't just a ploy to get people dependent on Pfizer products in a fiscal year where the cost of healthcare and drug prescriptions have skyrocketed.....right?

Pfizer's program comes at a time when many drugmakers, including Pfizer, have been raising prices on their drugs, partly to offset declines in revenue as the global recession reduces the number of prescriptions people can afford to fill.

Son of a bitch. And we thought they were just doing a good deed. Oh well, let's just hope it is a well-intentioned guesture to the workin' men and women in need of a good sex romp and a night to zone out on a couple Zolofts. Just don't take the Chantix, man. That shit's worse than the brown acid.

So long, Nature.....*Goulet*

Wow, that budget the PA Senate Republicans have proposed really is going to be great for the Commonwealth. Especially the part about 35 state parks having to be shut down for the summer as well as a reduction in public access to state forests.

Because who the fuck needs forests, anyways? No one uses that shit around here. So what's the big deal?

And while we're at it, who needs art? Pennsylvanians don't need that highbrow, limp-wristed art crap around here interfering with all of our coal mining, so we might as well get rid of some of the places you can find it, like museums. And shit, if all of these programs get closed down, we might as well not fund the education of stuff like the arts and history and literature and what not; everyone knows that shit isn't going to help turn a profit here in PA.

And with all of the forests gone, our Boy Scouts can do other things; like, you know, learn how to chase immigrants back over the fence, or how to interrogate someone with a pellet gun! Because we might as well start these kids up early so they can be ready to serve our country. What could the negative effects be? It's not like the heightened pressure and stress is going to get to them or anything. And if it does, what could possibly happen?

Keep up the good work crunching the numbers over there in H-burg, Fast Eddie.

"If you wanna play pond hockey with the Penguins,

go ahead. Good luck." - Bob Errey


There's really only one way that game could have ended, and that was with serious, gunslinging hockey. Empty Netters, Puck Huffers (we are secretly in love with Kim and Zoƫ. Don't tell anyone) and the Pensblog have gotcha covered with the recaps.

Watch this clip, then watch the one where Ovie goes to hit Orpik and then goes flying, and then watch a highlight reel of everything Crosby has done in the postseason.

Crosby>Ovechkin
Fleury>Varlamov
Pens>Caps

Rock the Red on the golf course, boys. Great Series.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Environmentalists are coming to kill you

Okay. So you're at home. It's summer time, and you're drinking a Crown Royal Manhattan, because you're a man.

Suddenly, you hear the rumble.

You look up in the sky; you can't see anything.

All of a sudden the sonic BOOM is heard; up ahead a plane shoots out of a cloud above. The hatch opens, and you see missile shapes heading towards Earth with fast fury.

Shit, you think. The goddamn military finally had a coup d'etat. I knew it was only time, what with all that progressive agenda being pushed. Well, guess I'm running to the hills!

Only the hills can not be protected from the onslaught of SEED BOMBS!!! And no, that's not the latest album from Megadeth.


Life from the sky is coming to take yours. Run, Bitch.

These bombs disassemble in mid-air, only to rain encapsulated seeds onto your children. They're apparently claiming that they want to heave these botanical warheads from the sky to combat deforestation and desertification, but we here at tRBT see through Al Qaida's useless plan to attack under the cloak of harmless aerial environmentalism.

This diagram specifically shows how your family will die:

Those tiny capsules, from an F-16 altitude, will penetrate through your
church ceilings and walls and claim the lives of everyone inside. Infidels!

View the entire plan here.

Treehugger seems to believe the terrorists:
The seeds are housed inside capsules made of artificial soil: they provide nourishment and moisture to the seed. As the sapling matures, the capsule degrades leaving only the new plant.
Reports have surfaced that since this plan involves bombs, the GOP initally had a raging hard-on for it. However, when notified there would be life inside of these bombs, and that said life would not be a fetus but rather a seed from which a tree, bush or grass would grow, they began a muffled, gurgly banter; of which the only audible phrases were something about Reagan, Deuteronomy and waterboarding before storming off.


Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Awesome, media. Thanks. I feel great about this.

Turns out Wikipedia isn't just for that term paper you had to write on the fly because you spent the night before taking bong rips and drinking warm Keystone Light with your buddies.

Now, as if they needed something else to discredit them, the media is doing some last-minute "journalism" through the popular online encyclopedia, and not checking the information they find for validity. Enter Shane Fitzgerald, a 22-year-old student who no doubt would be a friend to tRBT if he were on this side of the pond. Shane decided he was going to try to punk the media. And this little Irish bastard succeeded.
The sociology major's obituary-friendly quote -- which he added to the Wikipedia page of Maurice Jarre hours after the French composer's death March 28 -- flew straight on to dozens of U.S. blogs and newspaper Web sites in Britain, Australia and India. They used the fabricated material, Fitzgerald said, even though administrators at the free online encyclopedia twice caught the quote's lack of attribution and removed it.
...
"I am 100 percent convinced that if I hadn't come forward, that quote would have gone down in history as something Maurice Jarre said, instead of something I made up," he said. "It would have become another example where, once anything is printed enough times in the media without challenge, it becomes fact."
...
"I didn't want to be devious," he said. "I just wanted to show how the 24-hour, minute-by-minute media were now taking material straight from Wikipedia because of the deadline pressure they're under."
So what does the media do now? Of course, publish the shit out of stories about the lessons that can be learned; about how great the timing of this was because the media needs to step back and remember why they are there in the first place. Well thanks, media. Thanks for always catching these things late, so you know, we still do shit like this. (If you're a media head and you just clicked this link, fuck you. You checked Wikipedia again.)

He wasn't planning on leaving American shores anyways

Members of the "Savage Nation" must be so proud. They now join the ranks of the "God Hates Fags" guy, racist website authors and yes, their sworn enemies, Islamic terrorists.

Don't know what I'm talking about? Michael Savage has been added to the list of people banned from entering the UK. The complete list can be found here, but if you want to simply take my word for it, they are all pretty not-so-good people, who, in the British government's words, are "Considered to be engaging in unacceptable behaviour."

The BBC has published a profile on our friend Mr. Savage, whose real name is Michael Alan Weiner - haha, weiner - in light of this decision by the Redcoats, which frankly should be followed by similar policy from everywhere but Antarctica. Some highlights of Weiner's stellar broadcasting career include:
In his 10 years at the helm of The Savage Nation show, he has offended groups including gays, Muslims, women and immigrants - to name a few.

The 67-year-old has urged Americans to "burn the Mexican flag on your street corner" and attacked autistic children as "brats" in need of discipline.

He has also described the Islamic holy book the Koran as "a book of hate" and told Muslims: "Take your religion and shove it up your behind."

He was fired in 2003 after a brief stint at US cable TV channel MSNBC for saying on air to a caller: "You should only get Aids and die, you pig!" He later apologised.

Very well-executed, Mr. Weiner. You've had one hell of a career. Let's all hope that in its twilight, you are exposed as the joke of a human being that you truly are. This is simply phase one. I don't want to give phase two away, but it involves Perez Hilton and a mushroom stamp.

Beware, Mr. Weiner. The shitstorm of liberalism is coming for you. Next up is Anne Coulter, if we can get past her creepy, Kaminoan neck. Yeah I just cited a race from Star Wars. Suck it.

**Damn you Huffpo, you beat me to this: I was typing this and realized this isn't really news, it happened last week. Damn you.**

Monday, May 11, 2009

Best Headline Ever 1.0

60-foot penis painted on roof

Wait, it gets even better:

And even better still:
"An 18-year-old has secretly painted a 60ft drawing of a phallus on the roof of his parents' £1million mansion in Berkshire. It was there for a year before his parents found out. They say he'll have to scrub it off when he gets back from travelling."

YES.

Well, that's one way to say "I want the fuck outta here"

Our good friends down under have been having trouble with Karta, a 27-year-old upstart orangutan. Karta, not satisfied with life as a primate in a zoo, decided she was going to take matters into her own hands and peace out before Australia's economy gets worse and the government decides it's a good idea to stop funding zoos.

You gotta hand it to her; she's probably better with electronics than you are, and hot damn can she build a ladder. Makes you not feel so bad that we evolved from Karta's cousins, huh?

Tell me this is not the most badass thing you've seen an orangutan do:

Friday, May 8, 2009

No dancing for you baptist boy!

From our fine neighbors to the west we give you this gripping tale of young love torn apart by religion.
A senior at Heritage Christian School will be suspended Monday for attending Findlay High School's prom because the event involves dancing and rock music.

Excuse me? You cannot possibly be serious can you? Oh wait... you are...
A Heritage School committee decided Wednesday that Tyler Frost, 17, will be suspended if he attends Saturday's dance because the school's policy forbids dancing, rock music, hand holding and kissing.
Mere weeks away from graduating high school, this young, probably ACTUALLY decent young man is going to be suspended. He will not be allowed to walk with his classmates at graduation and will not receive his diploma until he completes the work he will miss so that he can attend prom with his girlfriend who attends nearby Findlay High School. If that sounds familiar Pittsburgh fans, Findlay is the hometown of one Ben Roethlisberger.

A little further information on Right Wing Extremist Heritage Christian School:
  • Contact between boys and girl in grade 7-12 are forbidden.
  • Rock music is considered "part of the counterculture which seeks to implant seeds of rebellion in young people's hearts and minds."
Heritage has taken the time to respond to e-mails sent in response to this act against God. Please feel free to send them a message or two of your own... I'm sure they love fan mail.


Molecular biologists cannot star in porn videos!

...Or so Grove City College states.

According to the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 22 year-old John Gechter is being tossed out of school by the Hitler Youth Christian college. To pay for his education Gechter spent his weekends as "Vincent DeSalvo" running around the country making steamy backroom movies with fine, young gentlemen.

The punishment for this crime of all crimes against our lord and savior (zombie)?
"an indefinite suspension and a prohibition from re-applying for admission until the fall of 2010. A Grove City appeals board turned down his initial appeal."
What a kick in the stones... mere days before graduating with a degree in molecular biology, he is forced to find another school that will accept his completed credits and let him finish his degree.

Great job Christianity... Preach your love and acceptance of others, as long as they are straight and make lots of money... Cheers!


Take THAT Captain James T. Kirk


Representatives of the FIRST GALACTIC EMPIRE! could not be reached for comment.

Is it just me, or is Patrick Dowd really spiderman?

With great mayoral power comes great responsibility:

In light of last night's forum in which candidates for Pittsburgh's coveted Mayor-for-life debated budget woes and all things Pittsburgh, I thought I would provide this brief educational primer on the candidates. I am no Matt Hogue (read: I am not a huge toolbag) but I will do my best here.

1.) Patrick Dowd is a giant douchebag. He was on the schoolboard, then the City Council and now he thinks he can be mayor. That's bullshit. Don't vote for him.

2.) Sorry to offend people, but Carmen Robinson is a joke of a human being. She's been an upstart for her entire career, and despite popular belief, has trouble speaking the English language. She is not qualified, and certainly is not (sorry Carmen) smart enough. She is tactlessly ripping off the Obama campaign (her website is chock full of Obama-isms) and there are serious racial undertones that are hidden in about 90% of what she says.

Not that we're the best proofreaders, but we try to be as professional as bloggers can be. But this is one of many examples of the lack of professionalism that plague Ms. Robinson's website:
I've gone up against a formidable opponent!
I've dealt with all that goes along with fighting the good fight and won.
I've am conscious, mobilized and ready!
I've come out of the battle better, stronger and wiser.
Huh. Wiser, huh? Wiser but less articulate, maybe. Sorry Carmen, but you're not getting our vote - regardless of whose "boy" you're not. What a dumb slogan, by the way. "She's nobody's boy!" No fucking shit, you're a woman.

3.) Luke is not perfect, and he's made a few mistakes, but in all fairness he had a city thrust onto his shoulders at an age when most men with a 412 area code are playing beer pong and getting ready to go out to Matrix and find slutty-looking girls to grind on for 4 or 5 hours. And guess what? Pittsburgh is the shit, and it hasn't burned down yet - granted it came close a few times.

In conclusion, simply by not being the other two candidates, we here at tRBT are supporting Luke Ravenstahl for Mayor this primary season. Not that we're Matt Hogue, though. Man that kid is a tool.

For those of us who drive in the city

While this has never happened to me personally, being that my entrance to Pittsburgh is the Squirrel Hill Tunnels I can easily believe this too be true. Especially since I had to deal with it this traffic this afternoon.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

For fuck's sake man!

We here at tRbT are avid hockey fans... some may even say we border on obsession, but that is besides the point. The point is some dumb fuck decided it would be a good idea to make a threat towards Washington Capitals forward Alex Ovechkin.

Ovechkin (right), pictured here with Capitals winger Alexander Semin.

Now while the authors of this blog find Ovie to be a class-A douchebag, he really is one of the most talented players in the world. His speed, shot power and sheer strength on his skates place him among the greats after only a few years in the league. That being said, the moron who made those threats will see nothing come of this beyond a possible jail sentence, and if placed in the same vicinity as Ovechkin will probably have their ass handed to them.

Seriously Pittsburgh, this is stupid. One of our beloved sports teams is involved in some of the greatest hockey ever played. Enjoy what is going on and keep the banter within the limits of decent fucking common sense. Like him or hate him threatening Ovechkin's life is just moronic.

Love the sport first and your team second.

**UPDATE**
Dumbass Central PA kid...

When you hit someone, THEY'RE supposed to go down

You dumb douche

That makes us really, really happy.

Sorry this has become somewhat of a hockey blog; but when you're down 2-0 in a series and you play a game like that, we can't help it. That and hockey is pretty much all that is on any of our minds. Anybody see how Malkin played last night?

In other news, we would like to address some sports superstitions with our six readers.
  • From now on, we will no longer have a pregame post. This includes mocking the Caps, pics of LL Cool J in Pens gear, or any analysis on anything Penguins. A movie review of March of the Penguins isn't even going to be posted.
  • I will now have to be holding a rolled-up sports page from the PG every game. That's just the way it goes.
  • A few of us no longer can wear Pens gear during the game. This includes the Penguins Labatt Blue hats.
  • Most importantly, one of the authors of this blog has to drink at least 3 IC lights on game day. Shouldn't be a problem. Wouldn't be a problem if the number was 8, to be quite honest.
That is all for now. Go Pens.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

The ice is melting in the desert

In other NHL news, the Phoenix Coyotes have filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. This move comes after many years of financial losses and toiling in the lower ranks of the NHL. Since moving from Winnipeg for the 1996-1997 season, the Coyotes qualified for the playoffs five teams, losing each series in the opening round.

The Coyotes best season? A 40 win season in 2001-2002. This was the high point of franchise history and shortly there after the team dropped like a rock from any playoff contention and has remained there since.

Shortly after the announcement, Jim Balsillie and PSE Sports & Entertainment LP placed a bid to buy the team for $215.5 million dollars. Balsillie is a name familiar to Pens and Nashville Predators fans alike as the shmuck who keeps trying to buy every damn team in the NHL. He failed in both bids to buy the aforementioned teams and is now tossing his hat into the desert. The one stipulation to this purchase is that Jimmy boy gets to move the team to his promised land in southern Ontario.

Not so fast Mr. Silly balls... Gary Bettman, czar of all things NHL, stepped in.

The NHL, which has said the Coyotes won’t relocate, later issued its own statement saying it’s investigating the circumstances surrounding the filing. The league also stripped Coyotes Chief Executive OfficerJerry Moyes of authority to act on behalf of the club.

Once again Gary, you're fucking with hockey. In his attempt to expand hockey's appeal to audiences beyond their current niche markets (see also Canada and cities above the Mason-Dixon line), Gary is potentially hurting the league. Yes, the Jets left Winnipeg because they ran out of money, but they also had the smallest arena in the league and played in a time when player salaries would make Bill Gates look like a beggar... ok, maybe not, but you get the idea.

While Balsillie may be the bizzaro Mark Cuban of hockey, this move has to be done.
The Coyotes were never really feasible in this market that already has the Suns and Cardinals with established fanbases. Their original arena was shared with the Suns, and when they finally did build a new one, they consistantly had trouble filling the seats. The possibility of the Coyotes going bankrupt was prominent throughout the season, and the NHL bailed the club out with a loan in late February after having already repeatidly loaned them money.

Bettman's attempts to keep the current franchises in their cities is not going to work, and above all else he fails to realize that the other clubs must approve an ownership change before it can happen. LET HOCKEY GOVERN ITSELF YOU POMPOUS JACKASS! Many of the ownership groups in place have a better idea of where and how this sport should develop and what will be best for the sport. Along with this, not only is the fate of hockey in North America on the line, but with the current profit sharing agreement... so are their asses. No one ownership group is stupid enough to make a move that would bring down the NHL, and to be honest Jimmy boy cannot do much worse in Southern Ontario than all parties did in Phoenix.

Moving a club back to Canada isn't a bad idea Mr. Bettman... it just isn't yours. Remove your head from your ass and let the actual club owners figure this one out.

So Long Mr. Naslund

Former Penguins forward, Markus Naslund, has called it a day. One season after joining the Rangers, the 15-year veteran has decided that he has had enough.

A sad day for Pens fans indeed. After talks of the Swede returning to the Burgh, the city that drafted him in 1991... only to commit one of the worst trades of all time in 1996, last season fell through, he went on to have one last disappointing season in one of hockey's most anemic offensive units (They scored fewer goals on average than the Minnesota Wild for Lemieux's sake).

Naslund wrapped up his career with 869 points in 1117 games.

War...

No gameday post... Puck Huffers has said it all.

Go Pens.

This is someone's doctor.

The only thing that would have made this better is if he was carrying around a case of I.C. Light........Ya Pittsburgh.

How to melt a fundamentalist's mind: Exposed!

Have you ever patiently sat and listened to someone talk about creationism? If you're like me and you end up drop-kicking said person, that is okay. But if you have ever listened, one of the conclusions you most certainly would draw is that it is excrutiatingly painful to do. Having someone argue against a solid scientific theory with religious dogmatic mumbo-jumbo actually has caused a further loss in rational people's faith; this time in humanity, not the divine.

How does one get any relief when confronted with such dumbassness? Chris Matthews found the solution: be calm and seriously ask them if they believe in evolution - then, watch them go absolutely batshit insane.
Do you believe in evolution, sir?" Chris Matthews asked Rep. Mike Pence (R-Ind.), a leading House conservative.

"Um... I, do I believe in evolution? Ah, I, I, ah... I embrace the, uh -- the, uh -- the view, ah, that God created the heavens and the earth, the seas and all that's in them..."

Matthews interrupted. "Right, but do you believe in evolution as a means to get there?"

...Matthews concluded, "I think you believe in evolution, but you're afraid to say so because your conservative constituency might find that offensive."

Ah, I, I, ah...already look like a dumbass so rather than affirming my secret Darwinist beliefs I am going to rattle off something I read in a children's Bible once. Great strategy, Congressman. At least he didn't say we are all thetans reincarnated from an extraterrestrial planet where we were slaves. Cuz that would be even crazier.

At the end of the day, people like Mike Pence are going to thrust their usual rhetoric out of their windpipes, no matter how much of the argument is pure psychobabble caused by the guilt of knowing that what's coming out of that windpipe is pure, skull-raping baloney. And there is nothing you can do about it.

Because, you know, if you don't believe in evolution, you're totally safe from that recent thing that's been in the news. Because if organisms can't evolve, that flu strain is no different than the one that kicked your ass last winter.

Right?

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Best Google Search Ever 1.0

Type "NRA" in your Google toolbar. I know you have one, because Google owns your shit. Then do an image search. What was the first image? An NRA logo. Okay. Second one? An NRA logo. Fine. What was the third image? YES.



And guess what the real kicker is. This was included in a post as a joke in favor of the NRA and gun crazies! This is a real blog that is staunchly anti-ATF and all things involving the government putting restrictions on Americans' AR-15 purchases. Because there is nothing scary about this.

In case you were wondering: yes, that is an online buyers' guide and review page for actual AR-15's you can actually buy.

Squash this, Arlen: Ridge is coming for you.


How do you beat a moderate Republican (well, at least he used to be) who is beloved in a Democratic-shifting state?

Easy: Send in another moderate Republican, and one that is equally respected among Pennsylvania's angry, angry left-wingers.

Enter Tom Ridge, former Governor of PA (as well as the last good governor), first Secretary of Homeland Security (he didn't ask to be part of that, dammit) and all-around man. He's thinking about running for Senate now, according to the Washington Post.
If he ran, he would almost certainly face primary opposition from former congressman Pat Toomey, a conservative who came within two points of knocking off Specter in the 2004 Republican primary. Toomey has made it clear that he is in the race regardless of whether Ridge, who is considered to be a moderate, runs.
This would actually be endorsed by a few of us at tRBT. Tom Ridge is a classy guy, and was conservative enough to keep the crazies happy but moderate enough to appease raging liberals with hard-ons for a terrible, heretic left-wing agenda which involved science, health care, education and (no!!!!) gay marriage for both terms as governor.

But, in the end, this is probably about money. Ridge is doing a lot of work in the private sector right now, and probably just wanted a little free advertising. We certainly shall see. But thus far, we are okay with this. For now. Just quit color coding our potential for catastrophe, Guv'nah.

Monday, May 4, 2009

LL says....

Grab ya ghetto blasters


And get ready for some early 90's style beatdowns son!!!

It's a long postseason. Anything can happen.

But tonight, shit is gonna get serious. Seth Rorabaugh is accurately predicting that it is going to require some scoring from Penguins who are not in line to win any individual trophies this year.

We all know you can't read, Ovie, hence you don't like history. But LL says you better check yourself before you wreck yourself about how we used to beat you guys down in the post-season the way Zangeif used to squeeze bitches. You know Vega liked it.

We here at tRBT are predicting a huge momentum change this game; Saturday set the tone for some very offensive, very finesse-style hockey.

But why do you think they've been showing Independence Day on repeat on cable TV this week? You thought that shit was just a coincidence? 1996 was the year ID4 hit the movie industry like a freight train. 1996 was the year the pens beat the Capitals in the playoffs for the 4,187th time in history.



This movie is even prophetic in terms of what Bruce Boudreau and his regime are trying to accomplish this postseason:
I saw... its thoughts. I saw what they're planning to do. They're like locusts. They're moving from planet to planet... their whole civilization. After they've consumed every natural resource they move on... and we're next. Nuke 'em. Let's nuke the bastards.
That's right President Thomas Whitmore. You tell 'em.

Bring it Capitals. Jeff Goldblum is from Pittsburgh. This shit is destiny.

Traditional marriage = good

Traditional boobies = bad.

This is epically hilarious, and a great lesson in dumb-broadism. Turns out NOM's newest spokeswoman and latest opponent of gay marriage, Carrie Prejean, has no problem with receiving free breast implants at the expense of the pageant. Traditional matrimony I guess trumps traditional anatomy, in Carrie's mind.
MAGGIE RODRIGUEZ, CO-ANCHOR: A question we're going to put to Keith Lewis, the co-director of the Miss California organization, who joins us this morning from Los Angeles. Good morning to you, Mr. Lewis.

KEITH LEWIS, CO-DIRECTOR, MISS CALIFORNIA PAGEANT: Good morning.

RODRIGUEZ: First of all, can you settle this once and for all? Did you pay for or help pay for Miss California's breast implants?

LEWIS: We assisted when Carrie came to us and voiced the interest in having the procedure done, yes.

RODRIGUEZ: Why?

LEWIS: Well, you know, first off, it's not something that we endorse, nor is it something that we suggest. But when we meet with the titleholder when she's crowned Miss California, we put to her a litany of questions about how she feels about herself, what she feels she needs to work on, what she may need to change, what is good, what is not good. We want to put her in the best possible confidence in order to present herself in the best possible light on a national stage.

RODRIGUEZ: Why is the best possible confidence involve getting breast implants? Why does that improve her odds of winning? Why in that meeting don't you discourage her from going that route, rather than help her to pay for breast implants?

LEWIS: Well, we would never encourage her to go that route, but...

Aside from all of the existential questions this forces into the back of one's throat like an impending projectile vomit, one very tangible question first needs to be addressed: Why did it take the media almost an entire week to figure out that these babies were fake, and that this was obviously ironic?


It took my creepy neighbor 30 seconds, and that was only because he was opening a Pabst Blue Ribbon pounder for the first 15.

Next week, we are looking forward to the next fucking hypocrite to come out against gay marriage, so we can ridicule them accordingly.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Cleveland Tourism Part Deux

The Cleveland Board of Tourism strikes again:

In American you have Joe the Plumber... In Russia we have Ovechkin the douche

Only difference is Joe isn't licensed plumber but Ovechkin is licensed douche.
- Evgeni Malkin -

Puck drops at 1. The series that Gary Bettman and the NHL are creaming themselves over... NBC doesn't give two shits though and is more than willing to cut away from overtime in favor of the grand 'ol spectacle that is horse racing.

This will be another hard fought series for the Pens, and as much as we all may hate him Ovie is the type of player who can change the series in a heartbeat. That's what happens when you take two or three dozen shots per game... just don't ask him to back check.

Just like the Flyers series (any guesses to Mike Richards handycap?) this will come down to goaltending. Who would you rather have between the pipes MAF or Varlamov? One has been in the Cup Finals... two wins away from Lord Stanley. The other stopped a bunch of shots from a lackluster Rangers team that had no business taking that series as far as it went.

Pens in six.

Friday, May 1, 2009

WTF is up with one of the 'Red Rockers?'

Apparently Ovechkin and Semin (haha...semin) don't skate around like a bunch of little ice princesses enough.

Turns out the team's antics just aren't catty enough for the Verizon Center; they were forced to go with some hired guns. Maybe these ladies play defense better than Ovi.

What's up with that one chick though...David really looks like a dude:



We do have a thing for Elana, though.

And remember: You can't spell OVECHKIN without CHOKE.

photo courtesy of The Original Pens Blog

Wait...you can leave before you die?

At a time when Supreme Court Justices are a far cry from Chief Justice John Marshall (nice chops) and Judicial opinions are no Marbury v. Madison, David Souter stood as a symbol of what Justices in modern times should be: Humble enough to have a sense of humor, able to find the justice issue rather than use the bench to be an asshole, and reasonable enough to know when you are crossing the line and taking shit too seriously. We'll never have a guy like him in there again.

So farewell, David Souter. We'll always remember when Seth McFarlane exposed your initiation to the masses:


We know that really went down.