Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Oh ya... and he is not afraid to knock your ass out...
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Celebrate your Irish heritage (or lack thereof) twice this year with Arthur Guinness' very own holiday. The author of this blog will be downing a pint (or 10) in honor of this great man... and you should too.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Speaking of fetal position, check out this fresh new idea from some pro-life upstart who is surprisingly hot:
Great idea, except for the fact that pretty much every medical procedure known to man would make people sick if it were done in a public square. For example, although I like drooling over the end product, I bet you Carrie Prejean's boob job wasn't exactly the most fun to watch.
Now that I think of it, neither would a baby being born - hey, there's an idea! Maybe if we start having women give birth on every public square, people would get sick of it and make having kids illegal - thus lowering the probability that one of them is going to grow up to be as obtuse as this canonical haranger.
And, more importantly, just like Cheney before her, why is she using fear and empty threats of terrorism to perpetuate a policy that - oh yeah - failed? No, 'Leeza, it's not that simple. Just like how the clusterfuck of death that is the Middle East is not that simple. And despite how smart you allegedly are, you and your fellow Bushies ran your little unilateral, shock-and-awe, go balls-out and show your teeth foreign policy right into the middle of a roadside bomb, and Barack's crew has been left to mop the leftover human debris.
Don't use the rhetoric you used to get us into Iraq in the first place to try and keep us in Afghanistan now. I'm not saying you have no say in any of this, but...yes, I am saying that you should most certainly not have any say in this.
In other words:
Breakin' real ground there, Copernicus: combat an idea by amending the book that the idea is in. Real mature. Way to take out all of your aggression about the fact that not everyone in this country is super privy on you all being obnoxious religious nutjobs in public places on science. That's worked for your kind before.
Can you imagine the pants-shitting that would go on among evangelicals if we asked them if, right before God switches the light on in Genesis, we throw a little hubbub about the Big Bang Theory? Or maybe right at the spot when he creates Adam, we place a small disclaimer saying that some people think this process took a couple million years and it involved Adam evolving rather than just appearing out of thin air, riding a Jesus Horse and thinking about America?
Monday, September 21, 2009
This is a good old fashioned rant. It won't be flashy, there probably won't be a picture and there will most likely be no linked websites. Frankly I'm lazy, and at work. Besides a quick Google search will easily give you the main link to anything that I am bitching about. Let us start with the G-20. The initial holy shit this is pretty cool warm and fuzzy feelings have given way to the holy shit there are some crazy nut jobs coming here. This is a pretty big deal for our city. The first G-20 to be held outside of a host nations capital. Pittsburgh!? Yes bet your asses Pittsburgh. Suck it Detroit. The international media will finally get to see this city for what it has become, not what it was. At the same time, I am apprehensive excitement for the week to come. I have accepted the fact that at some point I will probably call a protester a jag off. Will I protest? No, some people actually are pretty alright with a more globalized world. Will I get teargassed? Maybe, it would make for one hell of a story. Am I worried that something really bad will happen? Not really. Knowing that this place is basically on lock down, while a hassle, insures that we will all be here on Saturday to talk about it. But these protesters, yes they have every right to protest. Do I think they are idiots, for the most part yes. Mainly you anarchists and anti-capitalists. Get over it. If you are an anarchist and someone organized a march, guess what you have something that resembles leadership. Big hole in your logic don't you think? Anti-capitalists, it doesn't work in practice. Read a history book.
Second item of contention; Tea Parties. President Carter has called those people protesting President Obama's policy's as racists, a claim that the administration was quick to distance themselves from. But are they racists. For the most part, yes. Face it, white people are still afraid of the better educated black man. I have personally met many people that did not vote for him because of the color of his skin. If you can intelligently explain to me why you oppose health care reform, great. You are part of the mall majority that understands socialists policies from Nazi policies.
Then there is Glen Beck. The man who has tirelessly been running into packed Unemployment Offices, Klan rallies, and Country Clubs screaming fire since January has now unveiled his 9/12 project. Really? You want America to feel the way we did the day after the attacks. Personally I was scarred as hell and ready to follow any leader, regardless of IQ or party into the great unknown....later Iraq. Lets not forget that the weeks following 9/12 were full of blind patriotism. We essentially wrote the Bush administration a blank check of our personal freedoms. warrant-less wiretaps, torture and lets forget due process of the law. Alright Glen, why would you oppose our government. The Dixie Chicks spoke out against Bush and their carriers were virtually ended. Why because they have Freedom of Speech? Now that you speak out against your government you are being patriotic. Where is the hypocrisy in that? You and your "patriotic" tea party members should follow your own advice and just pack up and go home. Trust your democratically elected government. Don't question it. After all no one questioned/protested the patriot act. Those who protested it and or the war were labeled as unpatriotic and dangerous . Sucks when you lose an election huh? Fair and balanced my ass.
(Yes this rant was poorly organized and frankly not that good. I still have a lot to do to make up for my long hiatus. Hope this is a start...........Rush Limbaugh can suck it too.)
Now, it is no secret that the intellectuals hate Dan Brown. Stephen Fry, who is one of the classiest men on Earth, called The Da Vinci Code "complete loose-stool water. It is arse gravy of the worst kind." Steinbeck, Chabon, Vonnegut and "short fiction" fans everywhere thought about slitting their wrists whilst hearing their peers and colleagues around the water cooler belligerantly promulgating something like "It's so action packed - and it's filled with real facts and history, but it's written like a book. You learn while you read, and it's great! I never knew Jesus moved to France!"
At this moment, one of you good and faithful stewards of the blog are probably slamming your face into something blunt in reaction to the latest literary shitstorm, The Lost Symbol.
However, If you have read anything by this man and you were entertained albeit slighty turned off by some of the awful writing, you will be pleased to know that you are not alone; The Guardian has made a list of their 20 favorite awful Dan Brown Sentences. Read some of our favorites while we finish a chapter or two of the new one (kidding, of course):
10. The Da Vinci Code, chapter 4: Five months ago, the kaleidoscope of power had been shaken, and Aringarosa was still reeling from the blow.
8. The Da Vinci Code, chapter 3: My French stinks, Langdon thought, but my zodiac iconography is pretty good.
3 and 2. The Da Vinci Code, opening sentence: Renowned curator Jacques Saunière staggered through the vaulted archway of the museum's Grand Gallery.
Angels and Demons, opening sentence: Physicist Leonardo Vetra smelled burning flesh, and he knew it was his own.19. The Da Vinci Code, chapter 83: "The Knights Templar were warriors," Teabing reminded, the sound of his aluminum crutches echoing in this reverberant space.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
As Pens fans you really can't be angry at him. He was one of the most clutch players of the post-lockout years and a fan favorite, but his time had passed. Hampered with a shoulder injury for the end of the regular season and all of the playoffs, Sykora watched his ice time drop to nothing, and some fans jumped on him for it. We can't. We simply cannot blame Sykora for anything that went on. He was, is and always will be one of our favorite players, and I speak for all writers of this blog.
The man that kept the Pens alive in the 2008-2009 Cup run. The man who called his own shot. The man who FINALLY got his hat trick. The same man who FINALLY got to hoist the greatest trophy in sports. The man who upon hoisting said Cup said simply "FUCKIN RIGHT!"
We salute you Petr and wish you nothing but luck in what this author hopes to be a very re-vamped version of Minnesota hockey. As a Wild fan (second only to the Pens since even the North Stars years) this author hopes you continue your streak of 20 goal seasons and enjoy every minute of hockey you play.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
Think about it.
Friday, September 11, 2009
The original prayer said: "For those who have given their lives to service to their country, promoting values of peace, justice, equality, and liberty; especially, Senator Edward M. Kennedy, that he may find his eternal reward in the arms of God. . . . We pray."
A number of Catholics howled about that language because Kennedy was a strong supporter of abortion rights.
The prayer was rewritten in a more generic fashion: "For all our beloved dead, especially (particular parish intentions), and for Senator Edward M. Kennedy, that they may find their eternal reward in the arms of God. We pray."Real friggin' classy, guys. I'm sure our kind and merciful God is really proud of you. Unless, of course, any of you are pro-abortion. Then you're pretty much fucked.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
So maybe you don't travel UNDER the river, but the reaction is priceless. Big thanks to Blog N' Gold for the find.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
In other words, shove it up your ass skippy. OK we don't really hate on Jeff Reed beyond the fact that he is not a fan of paper towel dispensers and spends his time in chode-filled bars of north western PA. Sometimes it is just too easy. Hopefully Jeff gets a contract worth his golden foot sometime at the end of the year, but from past experience it seems like the Steelers organization is going to let the year play out and then figure out who they will and will not sign.
Nothing says "the world is melting and we are all going to die" better than photos of it actually happening. And yes, the time-lapse photos are peppered with Al-Gore-esque powerpoint boredom; deal with it.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Ask a hockey fan the same question and the answer will be a simple "yes... don't fuck with the Hockey Gods."
These preternatural protectors of the pond can strike down those who deny their power, or teach humility to the young leaders of this sport. For those who do not remember, the latter happened at the beginning of the Penguins' 2007-2008 season when Alice Kilgore, a season ticket holder for many moons, was visited by Sidney Crosby in her home. His duty was to deliver her tickets. Her duty was to deliver a message of utmost importance: " I don't think you'll win the cup this year. Not yet. Maybe next year."
This of course came true as the Penguins fell to Detroit in the Finals. In 2008-2009, after a year in which many thought they might not even make it to the playoffs, the Pens followed the message of dear Alice and won sport's ultimate trophy.
Sidney and the Pens are once again preparing for a new season, and once again Mr. Crosby found himself inside the house of Ms. Kilgore. Crosby delivered her season tickets and Lord Stanley's chalice.
Now some of you may think that Alice's message to the young Penguins was simply coincidental, but we see it as something else. Could she possibly be Pittsburgh's very own hockey goddess? Could she have been set upon this spinning pile of rock simply to spread the word of those like her? It is the opinion of this author that I am not alone in this thought... I believe Crosby, a very superstitious man himself agrees. Bringing the Cup to her house was not merely a thank you to a kind-hearted season ticket holder, but also a gift to appease the Hockey Gods in hopes of another push towards keeping the trophy in Pittsburgh.
Think what you will friends of tRbT... the evidence has been laid before you. We will be sacrificing a pee wee hockey player in honor of Alice Kilgore and the rest of the Hockey Gods spread throughout the world.
Thank you Alice... We await your command...
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Thursday, September 3, 2009
"For the past 17 years I have been living my dream of playing hockey in the National Hockey League," Boucher, 36, said in a statement. "After finishing this season with the Stanley Cup Champion Pittsburgh Penguins, I realized that is time for me to walk away from the game I love. I have always admired athletes that have retired as champions and I am humbled to have the chance to count myself among them."A surprise indeed for Pens fans, and this author for one will miss him. He was certainly no spring chicken but at the same time he was solid in the playoffs and would have been a nice veteran presence on defense. So long and thanks good sir.
M'colleague, Thom, I am writing you whilst taking for granted my very own grip on my quill; today during our elaborate discussion about whether to more faithfully adhere to Thomas Hobbes' Social Contract or Jean-Jacques Rousseau's State of Nature...a guy got his frickin' FINGER bitten off, man...Jesus...just be glad you're overseas banging your slaves, because this is getting pretty ugly.
"Why am I wearing this polar bear mask, you might ask," Mr. Meiern said. "It may be that I want to commit a crime, or it may be that the ice upon which polar bears are depending is melting as we speak."
- Where were you folks, you know, the rest of the time? Suddenly, now that the finance ministers and bank governors from 19 other countries are coming to town you're pissed off about corporations? Why take your anger out on Giant Eagle and PNC Bank now, when as soon as this is over you're going to go back to whatever it is you people do, which most likely is nothing?
- Don't waste carbon dioxide vomiting up idiotic banter about animals that you truly are making no effort to save. In fact, the economic policies of the countries of which you're so pissed off about probably allocate more money to conservation efforts than you save on your water bills by only showering once a week - so get over yourself.
- You are not Che Guevara. You are a guy or a gal on his or her lunch break with a sign. You are not in Palestine; you are in Pittsburgh. Relax, and if you throw something at the cop, he's going to beat you and arrest you, and it's not "the system's" fault - it's yours for being that immature about it.
- Please don't hurt anything too badly in the city, we really really like it. Like a lot.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
"I was supposed to fight in 2007, but it fell through. In truth, I've wanted to put the work in until I'm ready," Frank said from the Suckerpunch website. "I know I have a target on my back. Everyone is going to want to beat up the Green Ranger. But I am no Kimbo; I've been training for a very long time.
As part of a fresh round of interviews designed to help save his job, South Carolina governor Mark Sanford suggested a higher power wants him to remain in office, and called his now legendary Appalachian Trail deception "a little white lie"...."I feel absolutely committed to the cause, to what God wanted me to do with my life," Sanford told the Washington Times. "I have got this blessing of being engaged in a fight for liberty, which is constantly being threatened."
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
This happened yesterday, but it's great news. Five more years of the bow-and-arrow/funky dance celebration from our very own Stormin' Mormon, Brett Keisel. 5 years, $18.885 million. So long as Keisel eats at least one quarterback per season, that is one hell of an ROI.