Tuesday, June 30, 2009

A lesson in North Korean photoshopping

If your dictator's health is failing and you're scrounging for pictures to publish that display him in tip-top shape, here are a few guidelines for you to follow to make your picture the most believable:
  • Find a good, reliable neutral background. Mountains, an ocean, a flag or wheat waving in the breeze are pretty standard.
  • If, above your head, there is a banner with a slogan of some sort (like this one), try not to repeat it. This was done by Mao all the time, and everyone in China started realizing that he was a total asshole. We recommend photoshopping a different slogan on the banner, and maybe changing the color.
  • Are there people in the picture you are editing and then recycling? If so, are they all, like, standing there in a line? If so, this is tough to edit. Simply removing a few people at the end of each row will not work; we tried doing that to Jaromir Jagr in the 91-92 team photos the year he left. It just makes the picture look like you cut someone out of it, even if that person had an epic mullet. You should probably move on.
  • Blurring never works the way you want it to. See the Sasquatch photos.
  • More sharks. Add more sharks.
  • Sports-action photos, though tough to recycle in your failing years, are always a good call.
In other words: this is not going to cut it:

Piss poor.

Hockey Blog Outsourcing 1.1

With the NHL free agency period less than 24 hours away, we would like to take a moment and give you some news from around the Pens organization.

Bill Guerin will be wearing the garb of the flightless bird next year.
This is good news for the Penguinos who could use the veteran forward for another year... And I'll be damned if Billy doesn't look 10 years younger skating along side Sid.

Craig Adams will also be wearing the garb of the flightless bird... but for two years.
Another good move by the wise and wonderful Ray Shero. Adams isn't a goal scorer, but his grit is easily a good enough reason to keep him around for a year or two... And damn cheap I might add.

The boys over at Faceoff Factor caught up with Penguins Prospect Eric Tangradi.
Tangradi came over as part of the joke Ryan Whitney trade and has created quite a stir among obsessed avid fans in the 'burgh. Kudos to Jesse Marshall and co. for the exclusive.

The Penguins have made offers to John Curry, Ben Lovejoy and Tim Wallace.
Seth Rorabaugh is better than you or your mother. Great move for the Pens and definitely the end of Phillipe Boucher and Mathieu Garon. Look for both of them on the ice next year. Heads up to the Glorious Empty Netters for the late night find.

Dear record industry,

- The Pirate Bay -

Those silly Swedes seem to really want to piss off every executive involved with the music and movie industry. According to the BBC, the creators of every tools favorite torrent site, TPB have created a video streaming site. Now you can watch that copyright infringed porn as you see fit.

While The Video Bay is not yet up and running, you can sneak a peek at what the site will look like when it goes live. The creators have also said that this is an experimental website and as such it will have its fair share of hiccups and all out shitting-the-bed sessions.

The best part about all this? The gents that began this site were found guilty of copyright infringement and face a year in jail and fines reaching $4.5 million. Somehow I think the ad revenue generated from their two sites will take care of that pretty quickly.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

In memoriam

We are all stunned.

It's been a rough week. Work has actually forced some of us to actually do our shit and not blog, hockey season is over and we're in the hopeless beginning of July when it seems there is no end to the embarrassment that is the Pirates' season in sight.

Farrah Fawcett was blah, I mean at one point she was a major babe and was talented, we guess. None of us are real hardcore Charlies' Angels fans, at least not publicly.

MJ was pretty tough, even though during his twilight years he touched young boys. Find a more solid album than Thriller. If you said My Chemical Romance, jump off of the nearest bridge.

Ed McMahon was kind of a blah, but not for our older readers (if there are any).

But not this. Why now, God? Why take Billy from the Rocks away at the zenith of his career?

This is unreal. We have no words. Aside from being wildly entertaining to watch, Billy Mays was from the 'Burgh. Billy Mays showed up on DVE a lot and was hilarious. This sucks enormously.

All we have left are memories made of the "SAME AIR THAT YOU BREATHE!!!" and citrus-smelling tears. And videos like this one:

This shit sucks.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Yes... We're still here...

Our sincerest apologies for no posts this week. Blame it on being busy, lazy or too drunk to type, but now I digest.

Big losses this week... Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett and Michael "Beat It... and by it I mean the cock of a 12 year old boy" Jackson. We're sad to see Mr. McMahon go, and I'm sure Farrah is pretty pissed that raging pederast stole the headlines away from her. Sorry Farrah.

Finally, to make up for our lack of posting, and because we felt the need to take a short trip down memory lane, we give you the Man v. Wild drinking game. Yes that's right kids... next time you see Bear Grylls hopping into quicksand or munching down on a scorpion you can use these rules to get tanked.

This game has been thoroughly tested (and created) by the authors of this blog... enjoy.

Man v. Wild drinking game
Necessary equipment:
- A television with any episode of Man v. Wild playing (bonus points for DVD copies of episodes)
- Beer, wine or hard liquor of choice for EACH player.

- Simply take the required number of swings whenever the event happens within the show.

Mentions protein of vitamin gains from any food source: 2 drinks
Mentions his morale: 2 drinks
Builds a shelter/fire: 2 drinks
Builds a flotation device: 2 drinks
Innovative way of keeping himself warm (ie. skinning a dead elk and using the hide as a blanket): 3 drinks
Marvels at nature's beauty: 2 drinks
His plan fails: 5 drinks
Constructs a weapon or trap: 3 drinks
Kills an animal: 3 drinks (note: extra drinks awarded based on the man-fleshing eating capibilities of the animal).
Kills a bug: 2 drinks
Crazy insertion method (not in a sexual manner... perv.): 3 drinks
Mentions the body count of a certain area: 2 drinks
Jumps into a freezing cold body of water: 3 drinks
Makes himself a cup o' tea: 4 drinks
Midnight chat with the camera: 2 drinks
Ascends or descends a large cliff, hill, mountain or tree: 2 drinks
Use of an innovative hygene method: 3 drinks
Mentions his "manhood": 4 drinks
Talks to the crew: 3 drinks
Uses his urine for any method: 3 drinks
Vomiting occurs: 4 drinks
Bear finds civilization or the crew has to bail him out: finish your drink

Use these as you deem necessary and change them as you wish. Hell we don't care, we just wanted to put them down some where so we wouldn't lose them... again. Enjoy.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Agreed, Shep. Get the hell outta there.

Turns out Fox News viewers are a little miffed about Shep's comments about their hateful emails a few weeks ago.

So what did they do to challenge his comments? By sending out hateful e-mail, of course.

“When a crazy man has walked into a Holocaust museum and shot the security guard, maybe that’s an appropriate time to warn people: you’ve got a crazy person in your life, keep an eye on him,” he said in an interview in his Manhattan office last week.

Mr. Smith said he fully anticipated one result of those comments: the nasty e-mail increased.

“Thousands of them,” Mr. Smith said. “And I know they don’t mean the things they say. I know they don’t hate me and want death on my family.”

What they mostly say, he explained, is: “You don’t belong there.” Mr. Smith paused a moment before adding: “I do belong here.”

No you don't, Shep. You're the only one taking that whole "Fair and Balanced" thing seriously, and the only one showing any ability for rational thinking.

But, then again, if Shep gets chased out of Fox News and wants to go to a more credible news agency, where the hell would he go?

Are NPR or The Daily Show taking applications?

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth

May 12, 1937 - June 22, 2008

Was this really a year ago already?

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Nazi zombies?! GENIUS!

From the great land of Norway comes what I can only assume will be an instant classic in every young flesh craving male's heart...

Dead Snow

Wow. Absolutely wow... This movie found its way into a limited release in the States, so go see it now.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Late Night Video Club

The Roots - The Next Movement
If you haven't done so yet... go see them. Now. They will make you dance whether or not you think you know how.

I'm sure Dr. Hart would be proud...

After watching highlights of the NHL's sham-like awards show, the sole highlight of the evening was found:

Why is Dennis Leary EVERYWHERE!?!

Also have you seen the evil mastermind that is Alexander Ovechkin? I mean jesus... the man looks like he is plotting to take over the world. The photographer could not have lit that shot any creepier.

Enjoy lifting the Hart, Pearson and Richards trophies Alexander the Douche... Geno and Sid still have your ass whooped.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

tRBT's Man of the Year: Nominee #1

No freakin' idea how we missed this. Our respect level for this man just quadrupled. One of us just soiled ourselves; okay, it was me.

Are you aware that Jon "JB" Burton, beloved bald Pittsburgh Sports anchor and an overall funny guy, is no longer on WTAE?

Were you, like us, wondering where that smiley guy went off to? Another news station, perhaps?

Well you, like us, were wrong. JB got laid off - WTAE, like everyone else, was suffering losses and had to cut some folks. Tough economic times legitimately blow.

So what did JB do? Pimp slap Sally Wiggin? Run off with Mike Clark's wife? Sexually harass Wendy Bell (you know you would)?

Hell, no. None of those are manly enough for JB. That man said screw it and started wrestling.
On his situation, Burton says:
"It's tough, but a lot of people got it a lot worse than me," he said. "I was treated great by Channel 4."Burton became the Brass Knuckles champion within a few months of in-ring action. He says McKeesport, in particular Jacob Woll Pavilion, is a great place to wrestle.
WOW. Jon Burton equipped with brass knuckles. Need I say more? Man of the year candidate, no doubt.

That's 'Sir' Mario to you, bitch.

From our Mountie friends up north comes this footage of Buries It becoming Sir Buries It.

No word on what Ted Leonsis is going to say about it on his blog, but I bet you it'll read something like, "This is what Mario Lemieux being knighted means to the Capitals; absolutely nothing. We are not the Penguins, so stop asking me about the...mmm...hot diggity damn I love me some Luisiana Licker sauce!!! I'M TED LEONSIS AND I'M RIDING A BOLT OF LIGHTNING!! WOOOOO!!!"

We knew Lemieux was a class act the minute he won back-to-back Stanley Cups, bought the team and brought them out of bankruptcy and certain relocation, maintained their presence in Pittsburgh despite the lack of help from local government and the NHL alike and then got a new arena built, but now he's on an entire different level. Congrats, good sir. You absolutely deserve it.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

You thought it was all said and done

While hockey season is over (I think Pittsburgh won the cup), the off season is here. The NHL entry draft takes place on June 26th and 27th. Less than a week after that is the beginning of the free agency period.

This is the time of year when trade rumors swirl just as much if not more than right before the trade deadline. Who wants to pick up a few more draft picks? Who wants to trade some away in hopes of landing that one player who will help lead their team to Stanley Cup glory?

All this (and lack of true employment) have led us to take a look at the numbers and crunch some ideas for what could be the Pittsburgh Penguins of 2009-2010 and beyond. We'll start off with cap numbers:

While it is not set in stone (the collective revenues of the league have not been tallied yet) the league cap number should be right around $55 million so we will stick with that number.
As it stands right now, the Pittsburgh Penguins cap number will be $47.3 million for 2009-2010. That is of course if we drop all our free agents and their salaries which isn't going to happen.

Much has been made about the amount of money tied up in Crosby (8.7 mill), Malkin (8.7 mill), Fleury (5 mill), Staal (4 mill) and even Brooks Orpik (3.75 mill). Well this is the year when that will all come to fruition with Malkin, Fleury and Staal all starting their new contract numbers.

At the same time we lose the big numbers of Sykora (2.5 mill), Guerin (4.5mill), Miroslav Satan (3.5mill), Ruslan Fedetenko (2.5 mill), Phillippe Boucher(2.5 mill) and Hal Gill (2.1 mill). Lost yet?

Also on the unrestricted free agent list is Rob Scuderi. The authors of this blog have thought highly of Scuds for quite some time now and his performance in the Finals put him in to another pay scale. He is a clutch shut down defensemen and is only getting better.

Along with those boys are a bunch of AHL'ers, some of whom will be given every shot to make it to the big club in the fall. Of interest is Alex Goligoski, Ben Lovejoy, Paul Bissonnette, John Curry and Tim Wallace. These guys are all restricted free agents and we fully expect them to be Pens again next year.

Moving along... Fight me if you will but here is what I see happening over the summer to our beloved flightless birds. Sykora, Satan, Boucher, Gill and Garon will all leave. That frees up $11.6 million in cap space from those players alone. We have been saying for some time that Sykora is going to finish up his career in Russia and while his agent is saying otherwise Petr may head back home to play out his twilight years. Either way he and Satan will not suit up for the Pens next year. Sad to say in Sykora's case.

Boucher is expendable and will be replaced by Alex Goligoski in the fall. He is much younger, cheaper and far more talented in the offensive zone, and has shown flashes of being able to confidently stand people up at the blue line. Gill is a bit more of a loss in this author's opinion (notice I did not say we as some authors of this blog disagree with this sentiment). Yes he is slow, yes he put a few goals in behind MAF himself, but he has excellent reach, is great on the PK and spends the majority of his ice time in front of the net. He will be missed when he is gone which most likely will be now rather than later. Ben Lovejoy will be used much like Goligoski was this year to replace the injured and shake things up when necessary.

In goal John Curry is more than capable when it comes to backing up MAF. He will sign another deall and Caron will hit the road to go find some other team to back stop for a bit. While not quite as experienced, Curry has shown he is solid between the pipes the past two years in Wilkes-Barre Scranton and posted a 2.38 GAA with a .913 save percentage last season.

Now that our blue line back to goal is set...

As far as Fedotenko and Guerin are concerned I can see them both coming back to wear the black and gold. Tenk will most likely get a slight bump in his $2.25 million salary and sign for 2 years. Bad ass Billy G on the other hand is the tricky point. He is far from young, but seems to have picked up one hell of a step playing along side Sid this post season. Not to mention the fact that if you were at the parade or watched it on TV, both fans and Geno alike were cheering for "one more year". I could see Guerin taking a slightly smaller deal to play one more year on Sid's wing in hopes of back-to-back cup runs. Or maybe I'm just fucking nutty.

When it comes to replacing Sykora and Satan, this falls squarely on the shoulders of some AHL'ers first. Luca Caputi, a 2007 draft choice, will more likely than not make his way to the steel city in the fall. He is a power forward, and in his brief stint with the parent club this past season, he showed fans just what he is capable of doing when thrown on a line with Crosby. In our opinion he will see time on Geno's wing instead with Fedotenko on the other side. The question mark is Eric Tangradi. The 6'4" winger that came over as part of the Ryan Whitney deal and while he is still getting comfortable in his own skin he put up 88 points in 55 games this season playing for the Belleville Bulls of the OHL. He was injured in the playoffs this season when his hand was lascerated and required surgery. What happens next with him is up in the air until he is fully recovered. Satan's replacement will most likely come in the form of Ryan Stone, Tim Wallace, Conner James or Pittsburgh's own Bill Thomas. Time for these prospects who have been in the system for a few years to have a real shot and with Danny B. as coach, I'm sure he has one or two in mind.

To throw another wrench in the works, the NHL draft is another time of trades and deals that could change everything in a heartbeat. The latest news out of Ottawa is that Dany Heatley wants out... now. GM Bryan Murray is working the phones to try out this trade and see what can happen come draft time, which brings me to an interesting thought... Heatley in a Pens sweater.

Now before you start screaming at your computer just wait... I know we're right up against the cap... after crunching the numbers on the list of players I just gave you it'll be tough to bring everyone back let alone add someone, but let's look at this from a hypothetical view point. Besides we have Ray Shero on our sides and who knows what that man has in the works. Heatley has 4 years left on his six-year, $45 million contract which will hit at $7.5 million next year. Ouch. But this guy also had 39 goals and 72 points last year... nothing to just pass off. Here's the deal. Jordan Staal has a VERY nice $4 million a year cap hit... something this author has considered trade bait from the moment he was offered the contract. While he is a good forward with great potential, do we really need $22 million tied up down the middle? I think not. Jordan Staal and a conditional 2nd round pick in the 2010 draft for Dany Heatley. Not nearly as crazy as it sounds, and if this happens you can plug him in with Geno or Sid and not bring back Guerin or Tenk, and the best part is we'd have him for 4 years!

The downside to this idea? The cap. While it seems the NHL has weathered the storm for this year, that is because the economic downturn happened late enough in the season that sponsorships and company suites had already been purchased. That will not be the case for this coming season which could spell disaster for the 2010-2011 season. A drop in cap space would make this deal an utter disaster and would be troublesome for the Pens and a good majority of the teams in the league with little to no space (see also: Detroit Red Wings). This can possibly be avoided by re-opening the Collective Bargaining Agreement and fudging with some of the Player's Association rules, all of which can happen at any time, but we won't get into that long and complicated mess right now.

Also on draft weekend Penguins fans will get to see Shero make choices in each and every round... yes, that's right... we actually have picks this year! Seven of them to be exact. Hopefully we'll stockpile a few forwards (see also: WINGERS DAMMIT!) and anything else GM Ray Shero sees fit. It will be nice to see Shero use a full draft again and pick up some talent for the future. We have some great, young talent waiting in the wings (pun unintended) but we always need to keep the flow alive.

That's it for today... a look at the 2009-2010 Penguins... please note the author of this post, while a hockey fanatic, has no ties to the Pittsburgh Penguins and talks out of his ass more often than not. Stay tuned up to and including the draft and free agency for more looks inside the Penguins organization.

**EDIT** The Pittsburgh Penguins and Alex Goligoski have agreed on a three-year contract worth $5.5 million. Gogo's new cap number is $1,833,333. Jesus couldn't they have fucking rounded that?

It really is hard to keep your pants on in Nevada

Especially when you're a US senator...

Apparently Mr. John Ensign (R-NV) cannot keep his hands out of the staffer cookie jar. In an interview with the Associated Press, Ensign reveals that he had an affair with a member of his campaign staff from December 2007 to August 2008. The statement says "I deeply regret and am very sorry for my actions."

I can understand regret for a drunken evening celebrating a victory, but come on man! This continued for 8 months... hardly a case of just the tip, just for a second, just to see how it feels.

According to his website, Ensign "spends his work week in Washington D.C. and travels home to visit his family Darlene, Trevor, Siena and Michael on the weekends."

Unless, of course, it is campaign season.

We understand that scandals of this sort have happened to members of the Democratic party as well, but it is just too damn easy to pass up another GOP member doing something to bring more bad press to his party.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Blog Outsourcing 1.0

There were a shit ton of people downtown yesterday.
And they were all sweating, because for the first time in roughly six decades, not a cloud was in the sky in Western PA. The Hockey Gods have a way of keeping your ass in line.

The "Election Commission" in Iran agreed to do a recount.
Let's hope they have a better sense of fairness than, say, the 2000 United States Supreme Court. It's Iran, so we're not too optimistic about it.

PA State Senator Jim Ferlo wants you to protest during the G20 summit.
We don't love state government here at tRBT, but that was ballsy. Much respect to Senator Ferlo. Now tell them to be gentle; they'll be amongst champions.

As if the Republican Party hasn't done enough in the past few months to look like racist assholes,
They go and pull another one of these moves off. Hopefully this will teach them that things circulate pretty quickly online. Granted a racist depiction of Barack Obama isn't a cell phone pic of Miley Cyrus striking a pose in a bikini top, it still managed to get around the net.

Charles Darwin the art influence?
The scientist and author of On the Origin of Species apparently is also responsible for some pretty sweet 19th Century art. Mr. Darwin was not available for comment, as he is not only deceased but also serving out his sentence of eternity in the dark, fiery chasms of Hell.

I did not realize that my two favorite blogs do a very similar segment (Empty Netter Assists and Cheap Blogging Crutch). Since our blog was created as a not-so-subtle rip-off of these two respected sources, suck it.

Monday, June 15, 2009

The Rustbelt Tramp on location: Stanwix Street

Some of you may be wondering where the hell this "Stanwix Street" is located. If you must ask then you probably don't live in Pittsburgh and may god have mercy on your soul.

Anyway... Today we were able to watch Lord Stanley's gleaming chalice return to its rightful home in the City of Champions. A Super Bowl in February and a Stanley Cup in June... does it really get any better? From our position within the mob of Penguins fans that invaded the downtown zombie fortress area, we were able to get some shots of the crowd, the team and the big shiny bowl.

Please refrain from getting too pissed about the quality as we were a good 30 yards from the stage.

Why the FUCK did all these people think they could stand in front of us?!?!
How pissed is NBC that the Pens showed the end of Game 7 on Mario's TV... OH THE BAD MEN!!!
Far right of the picture: Buries It with Dupes... All bow before our lord and hockey savior...
All the boys with the greatest trophy in all of sports... Glorious.

Go Pens.

Well, there's good news and bad news, folks...

We were way too into what was going on in Pittsburgh, then Detriot, then Pittsburgh, then Detriot and then what was going on back in Pittsburgh to know that this went down Friday.

The good : the glass-lined breweries of Old Latrobe, PA will once again be filled with delicious, PA-brewed beer.

The bad: Iron City, or as it is pronounced here, Ahrn-City, will no longer be brewed in Pittsburgh.

The reason: immense unsettled debt that was accrued after the Pittsburgh Brewing Company, poorly managed but faithfully purchased and consumed for years, owed the city, county and urban development authority millions and millions of, well, "dawwers."

The silver lining of this is that it's going to Latrobe. This will sew up the hearts of everyone in Westmoreland County who lost faith in God, the economy and the time-honored tradition of getting shithoused on locally-brewed beer when Rolling Rock, the pride and joy of Pittsburgh's hilly neighbor, was bought out by an evil global conglomerate and then sold from said evil conglomerate to another, Anheuser-Bush, which recently merged with the aforementioned global beverage conglomorate. Are you confused?

Of course, the not-so-silver lining of this is a glaring example of how a company can squander public investment. This better not happen with GM, Citigroup, Bank of America, AIG, Fanny May, Freddy Mac, Wells Fargo and everyone else receiving a bailout. Because that would royally suck.

Either way, we're looking forward to buying our first case of the Western PA hybrid beer. Let's hope the glass-lined tanks remove a little bit of the, how can I euphemize this, edge off the beer. Maybe we'll actually drink IC when that happens, rather than opting straight to IC Light like we currently do.

This looks familiar...kinda...

Okay, let's compare histories here.

We have a relatively young nation, first populated by aborigine natives, then as a colony before its inhabitants revolted and fought for its independence.

Early on, the nation had a spiritual awakening of sorts. There of course was a backlash, followed by a massive influx of religious fervor and fundamentalism that never really left the nation's identity, no matter how behind-the-scenes it got.

Now, this is where the histories of the United States and Iran divide, somewhat. We are not ruled by a group of clerics led by an Ayatollah. We're not conspiracy theorists, so we're not going to even go there comparatively. But we both, at the peak of our societal, scientific and technological abundance, elected crazy, fundamentalist, creepy presidents in a massively divided election.

Mahmoud is to Georgie what Luke is to Owen Wilson.

Both were (and are) people who are preparing for the Second Coming of their respective deities, both made their way into the political spotlight through essentially empty religious and moral rhetoric, and both were presidents wanting to make a name for themselves; especially when taking hard lines against their respective enemies (Israel for Mahmoud, Iraq for Georgie). Both of their respective parties have been accused of serious voter suppression, Mahmoud's being the obvious extreme case.

Both won both of their terms in nail-biter elections, and, again, this is where our histories divide. Tehran has burst into righteous flames; all we did after Kerry lost was threaten to move to Canada. Actually, we were sparked into more protests in 2000 than 2004.

Where are we going with all of this? Well, people are getting bludgeoned by plainclothes militiamen in the street, the youth are absolutely going batshit insane on anything they can get their hands on and Iran in general is on the brink of civil war. There are dozens, if not hundreds, of real reflections and assessments that can be made about how to handle this from a foreign policy standpoint, and what are our friends across the aisle saying?

Mitt Romney, whose creepy religious beliefs and shady past huckster practices not only got in the way of getting nominated a presidential candidate but also made Sarah Palin a better choice for a vice presidential candidate, says it's proof that Obama's "Apology" tour throughout the world is not working.

Listen up, Mitt. For the first time ever, Iranians have disobeyed the protest ban. They know the election, like your career, is a sham. To make a statement like that, to say that this is proof that running around the world apologizing to nations (something that President Obama has not done) is not effective is so asinine, so shortsighted and so blatantly opposed to whatever is "left-wing" that it is actually no surprise that it came out of your mouth and is representative of a (thank goodness) quickly dying political belief. Fuck you.

Okay, I feel better.

Friday, June 12, 2009

City of Champions

The Pittsburgh Penguins won the Stanley Cup. Three of this blog's authors watched while Sidney Crosby, Evgeni Malkin, Marc-Andre Fleury, Max Talbot and every other member of this championship team skated around the ice raising Lord Stanley above their heads.

Words cannot express the happiness we here at the Rustbelt Tramp feel right now.

More to come tomorrow when this all finally sinks in.

Go Pens.

2008-2009 NHL Stanley Cup Champions.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Damn you Google...why are you so amazing?

The most significant find in years: a rainforest in Africa. Northern Mozambique, to be exact. How was it found? Google Earth.

And you thought it was cool that you could see your car in your driveway on the damn thing.

And they're getting crazier and crazier

As you all may know by now, the fourth murder with political undertones this year occurred yesterday. Also, as you may be aware of, the guy who did it was a fucking lunatic, as are all people who go out of their way to murder people - especially when doing so in, you know, museums.

And what might have been glaringly obvious, sadly, is. The guy who did this was another right-wing ultraconservative gun nut with a hankerin' for anti-Semitism.
James Wenneker von Brunn spent much of his adult life on the seething fringes of racial politics, fulminating about blacks and blaming Jews for everything from communism and syphilis to the "hoax" of the Holocaust.
We understand that we're a little harsh on our conservative friends, to say the least. But when shit like this keeps happening, you have to raise a few eyebrows. If this was an isolated event, it certainly would not be provoking us to fidget a little. But after that crazy ass guy shot George Tiller and that other crazy ass white guy went and ruined an entire city's April, we've gotta raise a few eyebrows at the far right, which, despite their apparent correctness in everything they do, is certainly making waves and discrediting themselves fairly worse than the far left.

Hell, even Shep's freaked out at his own viewers:

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Can you beat this bling?

LaMarr Woodley thinks not...

After becoming the FIRST NFL TEAM EVER to win 6 Super Bowls, dem Stillers can now remember every moment of that fantastic ass clenching game while walking around with 3.7 ounces of gold, diamonds and other jewels slapped on their hands.

Except for Roethlisberger who may have another one of these...

Go Stillers.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Goddamn you NBC

Fuck me gently with a chainsaw:
NBC and the NHL are set to announce an extension to their relationship for another two years, past the 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympics and Stanley Cup playoffs.
Bad news bears Pens fans... you can count on Mario's TV disappearing during the playoffs time and time again while this contract runs on. I know the NHL needs a major network beyond the home of competitive curling to broadcast these games but COME ON! Could they please find some place with announcers slightly more competent than our current merry band of dumbasses. Could they please find a place that ACTUALLY seems to give a damn about hockey and not just their own ratings? Maybe a place that won't cut away from overtime in favor of horses running in a circle to their generally certain and untimely demise!

Sorry... I've finished my rant now. Note to Gary Bettman... if you want the league to be respected as much as all the others you may want to consider taking a stand on this whole network thing once in a while. Or, you know, keep taking it in the ass from the likes of Mike Emrick and Eddie Olczyk.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Justice is swift in the city of flightless birds and steel workers

Picture via Pensblog. Pittsburgh's finest showed these jokes a really nice time on the side of the igloo last night. Stay classy, gentlemen.

We still managed to get a few jobs in before the authorities stepped in, although we didn't accomplish the theft of the cup like I had planned. Oh well; we know who had the last laugh in the end.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Who just got his ass kicked? Oh, a rape suspect? No, I didn't see nothin.

An angry mob of Kensington area residents caught and beat Jose Carrasquillo in the streets until Philadelphia police and ambulances arrived at the scene to break it up. No charges were filed and none are planned against the attackers.

As good-ol' bleeding heart liberals, why aren't we really pissed off about it?

Wait, Carrasquillo, that name rings a bell. Oh, that's right! This little winner here is the prime suspect in a vicious rape and assault on an 11 year-old girl from the Philadelphia neighborhood.
Yeah you read that right. 11. He was wanted on a bench warrant and had 17 prior arrests.
"The crowd pummeled Carrasquillo for several minutes on Tuesday with wooden sticks, their hands and their feet before police arrived to take him into custody. The attack was videotaped"
(video on link above)
Talk about justice. Although the authors of this blog do not condone violence, sleazebags like Carrasquillo get the raging feminist blood inside of us (maybe in some rather than others) to boiling temperatures, and when you factor in an 11-year-old, we start grabbing baseball bats too. Victims of these crazies definitely deserve some vigilante justice.

Speaking of justice, since the guy is obviously guilty, can't we do the same thing to these folks?

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Same old Buccos...

You can't teach an old dog new tricks. You can switch ownership titles, move a sub-par GM out (we're still pissed at you Dave Littlefield) and shuffle some head coaches around; if the finished product was broken before, it will still be broken.

Such is the case for the Pittsburgh Pirates, a franchise doomed to set an example, along with the Detriot Lions and L.A. Clippers, on what never to do with a sports franchise. For just over 16 years now, the Pirates have been scraping the shame-encrusted and stomach-acidy bottom of baseball's obscure free agency and "prospect" pool and coming up for air with talent so miserable that it would make Joltin' Joe jolt far, far away.

Bringing washed-up has-beens and overrated prospects who never performed to Pittsburgh like Jeromy Burnitz, Joe Randa, Sean Casey, Ty Wiggington, Bobby Hill, Benito Santiago, Kenny Lofton, Matt Morris, Adam LaRoche...well, you get our point. You guys really suck at this whole baseball team thing.

Anyways, in their latest blunder, they traded the only person on the team who was worth a damn. Outfielder Nate McClouth has been traded away; traded to the Atlanta Braves.

And here's the kicker; what do you think we got for him? Prospects. Two pitchers and one outfielder. And we're bringing up Andrew McCutchen, our top prospect.

Hooray for prospects!
GM Frank Coonely: "This may be the toughest decision we have made in my time with the organization. Nate is a quality player and person but, as we have said several times, tough decisions will need to be made as we build and sustain a championship-caliber organization."
A championship-caliber team, my taint. More like a 16-year old batch of Herpes, freshly blossoming after a night banging someone who looked like Alf. 16 years and counting, but after all this Jim Beam the Pirates have driven me to drink in an angry, irate, profanity-laced tirade, embarrassment never felt so good.

Why couldn't the movies be this AWESOME?!?!

Brought to you by Bioware, the same fine gents who produced both Knights of the Old Republic video games, is this sweet mother fuckin' MMO.

Taking place 3,500 years before Vader turned from whiny-ass douche into, well... Vader, this game looks to be the start of something amazing. Details are sketchy, and a release date has not been set, but until then watch and wonder why in Lord Talbot's name George Lucas decided Jar Jar Binks was a good idea.

Let the ├╝ber nerd inside flow free and enjoy.

Hey, asshole in the pimped-out Red Wings wagon:

You got jobbed last night. Real bad. Humiliated, by the authors of this blog no less.

And you were creative enough to say "Fuck you man!" as you drove away. Like that was the best you could do.

Granted we said a few choice things that would have made anyone from Detroit want to punch the next 30 newborns delivered in Pittsburgh right in the face, you were driving this:

What you have to do to a GM vehicle to raise its resale value

And you drove it here. In our house. We saw your broke ass driving around downtown all day at 20 mph like you were hot shit, and the minute we embarrassed you in front of all those people who were laughing at your second-rate demolition derby ride and your miserable city, you disappeared. Haven't seen you since.

Can't even take a good jobbing. Next time you come flaunting that elementary school science project Stanley Cup ornament on your roof in our city, expect it to be much worse. 'Cause we'll be right there dahntahn again waiting for you next game. Frankly, it's a mystery how you got that thing out of here last night unscathed.

You come into our city and insult us like that, and Maxime "Leonidas" Talbot gets pissed. Real pissed. And we know what happens from there:

Tomorrow. DO IT.

Sign of the times

Just how crappy is our economy? You might not notice if you're in Pittsburgh, because we are the city of (occasional) sunshine, jobs, bright-colored bridges and hope. Even the people in the city are getting better looking than they did in the 80's and 90's. The guys all don't have mullets and the ladies all don't look like Alan Faneca, which is clutch. But if you're residing in a city like, say, Detroit, you know how bad it is.

Or if you're living in a nation that is doing better than we are, and is heavily invested in us. Then you can't be fooled as easily as we are. Or, at least, you have no qualms laughing at our Secretary of Treasury, which is something we as Americans haven't done yet; to his face, anyways.

Via Reuters,
U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner on Monday reassured the Chinese government that its huge holdings of dollar assets are safe and reaffirmed his faith in a strong U.S. currency.

"Chinese assets are very safe," Geithner said in response to a question after a speech at Peking University, where he studied Chinese as a student in the 1980s.

His answer drew loud laughter from his student audience, reflecting scepticism in China about the wisdom of a developing country accumulating a vast stockpile of foreign reserves instead of spending the money to raise living standards at home.

So let me get this straight: in a country where people used to desperately escape to make it to our golden shores of hard work and prosperity, the US economy is now a laughing stock.


Tuesday, June 2, 2009

I Want It Now

Now Mar I'm sorry about my slacking on not commenting on the G-20 Conference to be held in the best city of the world. I am still trying to figure that whole situation out.

Well, even though a historical mass gathering of world leaders in our city is not enough to get my lazy ass up and type something, Microsoft's announcement at the E-3 electronics show yesterday is enough. Yes ladies I am single.

I am not one to kid myself here, those screen shots were most likely simulated. But if they manage to create what they say they can, I'm going to die alone.

Now here is another video I came along. I don't know what to say about it other than it kinda makes me wonder if Children of the Corn the video game is around the corner.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Ryan is a burnout - G20 in the 412 this time, bitches

Hopefully not a Pittsburgher, not pissed off in the Strip District.

I was going to let Ryan take the glory for this last week, but he was allegedly too busy.
“It is great to see Pittsburgh recognized as the world class city that it is,” said Laura Ellsworth, partner in charge of Jones Day’s Pittsburgh office. The international law firm has offices in 11 of the G20 nations. “Our clients around the world are looking at Pittsburgh as a leader because it has faced problems like pollution from an industrial area, and its rebirth, multiple times, through an evolving economy and now going into a green phase. To focus on the city now will only increase our ability to serve that leadership role.”
In light of the summit, we've decided that for one day, we should host a panel. We're getting a list of topics ready:
  • A suggestion to codify as law the impact that Jeff Goldblum, Michael Keaton and that douchebag from Central Catholic who played Spock in the new Star Trek movie have had on international film.
  • Zone Blitz Economy: How electing Dick LeBeau as Supreme Commander of the Free World will solve our global economic crisis
  • Pierogies are international - a report from one Polish Pittsburgher to the World
  • The role of the cole slaw on a Primanti Bros. sandwich
  • Kris Letang, Marc-Andre Fleury and the French-Canadian accent: A lesson in Globalization
  • Why liberal Americans are racists and sexists for supporting Hispanic, female Supreme Court nominees.
  • The Pittsburgh Pirates, and how they differ from the Somali pirates: a brief introduction
We're going to hit the G20 up and see if they would want us to discuss any of these. I think the last one is going to be my dissertation one day.


Randall Terry, founder of the crazy religious nutjob anti-abortion group Operation Rescue, on the murder of Dr. George Tiller:
"George Tiller was a mass-murderer. We grieve for him that he did not have time to properly prepare his soul to face God. I am more concerned that the Obama Administration will use Tiller's killing to intimidate pro-lifers into surrendering our most effective rhetoric and actions. Abortion is still murder. And we still must call abortion by its proper name; murder."
No, abortion is abortion; murder is what your buddy just accomplished, in church by the way. Nothing like doing God's work; gotta be pretty rewarding. How many virgins does this guy get in heaven, now?