Tuesday, December 29, 2009

New job for the Penguins' coaching staff

Bobsled team (from the Penguins' official website):
BUFFALO, NY -- After an adventurous trip the Pittsburgh Penguins have finally reached their hotel in Buffalo, NY – a trip which included several run-ins with Mother Nature – most notably the sight of the Penguins coaching and support staff pushing a team bus after it became stuck on a slick Buffalo street.

With the Penguins about three blocks from reaching their hotel the first bus carrying the players, coaches and support staff could not get its wheels moving on the snow-covered streets. Within seconds head coach Dan Bylsma and several others were rushing out of the door to the rear of the vehicle.

You can't fool us, Yeo. We know you're half-assing that push.

20 Bucks says Granato's the first one in

The Yemen Song

Yes, I know that's my second Zeppelin reference in a row today; suck it.

Since we are predator-droning the "khara" out of Afghanistan right now but still getting terrorized by al-Qaida and their explosive underwear from hell, some folks over in intelligence have decided to pull their heads out of their collective ass and figure out exactly what is going on (read: what is going WRONG) with the War on Terror.

That, and they're probably asking themselves why security and customs employees at airports are so incompetent. They really are. Don't let people onto planes with a gun, a knife, a bomb or a pact with their respective deity to blow the West to shit. Easier than a union job.

But all of that aside, there are others, lawmakers, who are asking another question: why not start another war? Because there certainly are at least, like, eight other countries that classify as an Arab nation that we are currently not at war with. Why not start one with...Yemen? Jesus...

And not only are people starting to freak out about Yemen, but some of those fears might not necessarily be futile: apparently Yemen is a pretty good farm team for al-Qaida.

In short, we are all going to die. CBS agrees. Ho ho fucking ho.

Your "no shit" headline of the day

Metallica drummer struggles with ringing in ears

Breakthrough piece on tinnitus, CNN. I had not a clue in the world that a drummer in a heavy fucking metal band probably suffers from some kind of hearing affliction. Well, that and the thing that agonizes all rock drummers - pure balls-out insanity.

Look at old Bonzo, for chrissakes. Tell me that man didn't have hearing issues (some of which were probably catalyzed by the pure grain alcohol he like to pour into his system by the quart) among other afflictions.

In fact, the ringing in Lars Ulrich of Metallica's ears probably has been caused by his own laughter after running to the bank. It's either that or, by accident, that poor bastard discovered his band's Pirate Bay page.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Happy Pagan Day!

We here at The Rustbelt Tramp felt it was necessary to take some time away from our heavy drinking families and wish you all a Merry Christmas:

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Our goal is to top this list next year

Congrats to Glenn Beck for winning a dubious honor today in Media Matters' Misinformer of the Year award. The liberal-swaying news watchdog selected Beck unanimously for various reasons such as making things up, batshit crying tantrums and simulating the assassination of the Speaker of the House, among many others.

In honor of Beck's work, which is clearly comparable to Studs Terkel, Homer, H.L. Mencken and other journalist greats, Media Matters assembled a video montage of some of the man's classier work:

Congratulations, Glenn. Thanks to you, we Americans and our truth are safe from the clutches of those godless socio-fascist black people. Thank you.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Saudi Arabia: A beacon of hope

Have you ever read a headline that made you chuckle? Ever read an article and feel really good afterwords? Like the world really isn't a giant crater of shit and stupidity and the faster its immune system flushes all of mankind out the better?

This is not one of those stories.

A Lebanese man who hosted a popular TV show where he gave callers advice and sometimes predicted the future was sentenced to death by a court in Saudi Arabia last month. His charge? Sorcery.
Sibat confessed to Saudi authorities that he consulted spirits to predict the future. But the authorities didn't release him. Instead, they brought him to a TV studio and told him to confess again. The conversation was broadcast on a Saudi program about religion.

"How do you rate yourself among magicians?" an interviewer asked Sibat. "What?" said Sibat, clearly nervous. "I have failed. I confess in front of God."

Sibat was then tried in court, and the confession was used against him. He was sentenced to death on Nov. 9. Saudi justice officials would not respond to several requests for comment about his case.
Well that is just fucking marvelous. Not only is it frowned upon to practice sorcery or witchcraft in Saudi Arabia, easily a topper on the "top countries with the highest concentration of crazy irrational religious people per square mile" charts, but now you can get your ass killed by doing such harmful, Satanic things like predicting the future.

But then again, if you told me this kind of stuff was going down in a small town in Utah somewhere, I would believe you. So I guess we should tip our hats to the Saudi government for being that crazy that they'll at least own their shit on this issue. Now if only they could figure out what to do with all of those goddamn Twihards...

It's Christmas time in Western Pennsylvania

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Stay Classy DC Police

As the DC and Northern Virginia population dig out from underneath the record setting snow storm that got dropped on our laps (this author spent an hour digging his car out of a parking spot), something disturbing has popped up...

Yesterday afternoon during the storm's epic peak, a large group of people gathered in the Logan Square area on U street for a massive snow ball fight. We were able to watch some video, and our only thoughts were... why the hell aren't we in town?! Unfortunately, the snowball fight took a bad turn when a DC police officer drew his weapon. SERIOUSLY?!?

Oh yes...

Now we can understand being slightly unhinged during this situation. The storm was terrible, it has caused delays and closing all over the area, and a giant pain in the ass for emergency services, BUT YOU PULLED YOUR GODDAMN GUN AFTER BEING HIT WITH A SNOWBALL!

DC police is currently investigating the incident. Until then, Rustbelt Tip O' the Day: Never bring a gun to a snowball fight.

Saturday, December 19, 2009


In honor of the blizzard that is currently burying metro DC, we present you with Sidney Crosby's personal nor'easter:


h/t to the Pensblog

Thursday, December 17, 2009


Six more groceries to sell beer

If you live in Pennsylvania, you know how much of a giant pain in the ass it is to get some hooch. Simply pinning down the location of a beer store in some neighborhoods is a difficult and daunting task. After fruitless searches for a case of delicious Iron City, if you're like me, you end up giving up and going to the nearest bar and spending too much money on a few six packs.

Then we have liquor. People that work in Pennsylvania liquor stores are literally agents of the Evil One. If you're walking out of there with anything more than a bottle of robust red, they're going to look at you like you're Billy Joel about to crash your car into a house. That's bullshit. If I want to drink a bottle of gin that comes in a plastic half-gallon bottle, that's my alcohol problem, not yours, man.

And sadly, we Pennsylvanians have not been offered an alternative. The Liquor Control Board, or as they're known in these parts, The Fun Police, holds the monopoly on wines and spirits, and you have be a licensed beer distributor to sell cases of beer.

So, even though Giant Eagle can be kind of crappy at times, it's still good news to know that they're getting aggressive with this Puritan booze law in the state. I don't care if the people who originally populated Pennsylvania did so because they were too tight-assed to stick around Europe and its hedonistic ways - I want beer, motherfucker!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

You have got to be shitting me

I guess since Bernanke is doing such a wonderful job of managing our Federal Reserve, Time decided to reward him with this bizarre, Maoist cover and dubious honor. In fact, Bernanke now has something else he can talk to Bono about, other than how Bono really knows best what's for poor people. We'll lay off Bono, though, because The Joshua Tree is a pretty damn good album.

Come to think of it, a few years ago, they made Vladimir Putin the person of the year. Then, during the YouTube boom, thanks to wonderful contributions to society like "Chocolate Rain" and videos of our children biting each other, Time named "us" as person of the year. So these guys have been, for quite some time indeed, losing their fucking marbles.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Like you've never been too lazy to do something

We apologize for the brief hiatus, folks. We've been too busy hangin' arahnd dahntahn, I guess:

We'll be posting regularly again soon. Until then, everything's waitin' for yinz.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Reason #3,467,210 the Pensblog is greater than you...

As 2009 works its way to the end, the world finds itself looking back upon this year. NPR has started the always epic Year in Music series. Google is attempting to suck you farther into their grasp with a new way to look at their site everyday until that big, shiny ball drops. Mar has started his list of ways to roofie that chick you've been eying up on Carson Street, and even the Pensblog has found a way to celebrate. Of course, they have to out-do the rest of the world and show us damn near a decade's worth of happy-go-lucky moments.

The geniuses who run that site have taken the time to compile what they feel are the top Pittsburgh Penguins moments of 2000-2009. Go watch these videos now.

If at least half of those don't send chills down your spine you're not human.

*Author's note: Nice use of Don't Dream It's Over in the first video.*

The Steelers aren't the only team with offensive line issues

Either this guy was nervous as all hell, paid off, or just standing there contemplating his life after reading Tim Tebow's biblical eye paint of the day.

He obviously wasn't mimicking Willie Colon, or else he would have blatantly held someone a few seconds after getting beat.

Either way, this guy is probably going to take a few personal days from class. Not as many as that dude from Pitt, though.

Sketchy Santas

This is by far the best blog on the internet right now.

In the time that we just wasted at this site, we could have gotten 20 projects done at work and posted on here six or seven times (one if it's Ryan, zero if it's Matt).

Here are some of our favorites:

Did the Santa mask seem like a good idea when this dude woke up? Did he decide to do his best impression of the Guy Fawkes mask-wearing vigilante from V for Vendetta rather than make the attempt to look happy all day? Either way, this might be one of the most terrifying images on the web right now.

The classic boozy Santa. You need something to numb the pain of knowing that you're going to have hold strange children, most of whom will hate you, and look like you are enjoying yourself for a large span of time. Turns out Old Crow can do just that.

If you don't think this is the background on my computer right now, you are sadly mistaken. Those sunglasses are on EBay for $200,000.

There are lots more, from menacing Santas to ones that completely half-assed it. Either way, you're bound to recall a few terrifying moments of your childhood in which your parents placed your life in the hands of a strange man wearing Santa garb in the middle of a shopping mall. Unless, of course, you were placed under the care of this man; in which case, you're probably missing.

h/t The Pensblog

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Late Night Video Club

The Dave Brubeck Quartet - Take 5

Because this man has more cool/talent in his pinkie than you'll ever have.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Blog Outsourcing...3.0? It's been a while

Hark! It appears God's opinion is quite similar to my own.
Turns out people like the idea that their own beliefs are conducive to the King of Kings' - but according to a new study, it actually just makes religion an echo chamber of sort for someone's already established opinion - no matter how wrong that opinion may be. It's good to know that, like myself, God wants all those gays to quit wanting to get all married and shit. That does feel good.

Pearl Harbor happened today, 1941.
Clicking the above link will direct you to the story of the "mystery submarine" that also allegedly participated in the siege on the U.S. Naval base. No comments were submitted from the local chapter of the "Pearl Harbor Truthers."

Those attention whores from the State Dinner aren't the first to breach Secret Service.
No, it appears that over the span of twenty-odd years, 91 security breaches have been reported by officials. That's not even counting the time we made it halfway onto the White House lawn dressed as giant pretzels during the Bush II years. 92, bitches.

The timetable for Afghanistan is, like, flexible and stuff.
Debacle: [dey-bah-kuhl, -bak-uhl, duh-]
- noun
1. a general breakup or dispersion; sudden downfall or rout.
2. a complete collapse or failure.
3. a breaking up of ice in a river.
4. a violent rush of waters or ice.
See Also: Clusterfuck, shitstorm, quagmire, failure, Iraq

The Tea Party replacing the GOP? Survey says yes.
So apparently, among voters of the FREEDOM NO TAXES JESUS CAMOUFLAGE GOD NO ABORTION EAGLE PATRIOT OLD GLORY NO MUSLIMS APPLE PIE persuasion, the Tea Party is the political affiliation they would like to be identified with, not the Republican Party. This is just getting more and more fucking embarrassing.

President Obama is going to be late to the Copenhagen climate talks
No doubt this is because he knows climate change is bullshit. He just wants to attend the finale of the talks to see if Italy's bringing cannolis again.

aw HELL no!

It appears the NHL is considering renaming the their annual awards in an attempt to make them seem more relevant to people who are just beginning to watch hockey, and those who wait in the wings.


This idea fails harder than whoever thought it would be a good idea to rename the divisions. Tossing aside awesome names like Adams, Norris, Smythe and Patrick Divisions in favor of generic, geographic locations like what the NHL uses now.

One of the greatest assets hockey has is the history and tradition that runs deep in the sport. Sure many people might not know that the Lady Byng trophy, presented to the player least like to knock your goddamn head off, was donated by... you guessed it Lady Byng. This hip lady was wife of the former Governor General of Canada and a huge hockey fan.

As much as we would love to see Le Magnifique honored by a trophy it should not be at the cost of losing the history that is already there. Gretsky, Orr, Lemieux and Howe will forever live on in hockey... but for Christ's sake don't rename the awards after them!

*Side note* Sean Leahy of Puck Daddy proposes an idea Rustbelt can get behind. Rename the divisions after these big hockey names. This about it... Pittsburgh as the 2010-2011 Buries It Division Champions!?!? AWESOME!

h/t to the Pensblog

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Friday, December 4, 2009

The Pittsburgh celebrity experience

Look - we all remember Sienna Miller's batshit tantrum after a bouncer at some bar didn't recognize her.

But since that whole fiasco (which resulted in a shitty movie based on a great book), there has been something about the city of Pittsburgh that makes celebrities happy, and not in the quaint way that little towns with antique shops make your parents happy. It's actually becoming a cool city, and one in which departing celebrities have plenty of good things to say.

Then, there are people like Jake Gyllenhaal, who loved his stay here so much that he got a Steelers tramp stamp.
It was so good, in fact, that he left with a Steelers logo tattooed on his lower back, which he showed to the audience to great applause. Whether it was temporary or permanent only he and his tattoo artist really know.
He's been a Patriots fan, but came to love the Steelers, too, he said. He attended two games while here, and also talked about eating Primanti sandwiches and accepting a Terrible Towel from a fan.
Perhaps, as film expenses rise in traditional movie cities, more celebrities are drawn here and much more frequently. It certainly doesn't help that, in light of what has been going on in the rest of country economics-wise, Pittsburgh is kind-of enjoying a Renaissance of sorts. Either way, between President Obama's obsession with Pamela's pancakes, the aforementioned tramp stamp and Russel Crowe's respect for Pittsburgh sports fans, that Pittsburgh is a lot like Hansel - we're pretty hot right now.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Climategate: catch the fever!

Well it seemed a few weeks ago like the time had come to drive the final stake through the heart of that myth they call global warming. The villagers were restless, the torches were lit and they each clutched their pitchforks; and in their other shaking fist, an article from their favorite conservative blog citing the emails that came from some bald scientist at Penn State.

Half of this angry mob was so well camouflaged that, when standing in front of the wooded area out behind the Sam's Club the group used as their staging location, they were barely noticeable.

The emails in question that catalyzed this premature conservative victory, which were illegally obtained by the way (a common tactic among those folks it seems), may have also sparked some sympathetic predilections among other scientists and learned folk, who know how stressful their job can be:
This paranoid interpretation would be laughable were it not for the fact that obstructionist politicians in the US Senate will probably use it next year as an excuse to stiffen their opposition to the country's much needed climate bill. Nothing in the e-mails undermines the scientific case that global warming is real — or that human activities are almost certainly the cause. That case is supported by multiple, robust lines of evidence, including several that are completely independent of the climate reconstructions debated in the e-mails.
You see, angry mob? There are those who feel that it is the irrational scrutiny and pressure placed on climatologists that goads them into making their results clearer and perhaps more accessible to a group that still thinks Dinosaurs are only 10,000 years old. Maybe cut them a little slack, and we'll forgive you for wasting all that CO2 talking to your peers in line to get your copy of Going Rogue signed.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Stay Classy, U.S. Senator Tom Coburn (R- duh)

Today's shitstorm of lies comes from Tom Coburn, a Republican from Oklahoma who has a problem with the Democrats' health care proposals. Tom's view isn't a far cry from the notion that there are not going to be Death Panels awaiting your grandmother's next visit to the hospital, armed with a baseball bat covered in razorblades that have all been soaking in cyanide, but at least it's not that negative. He just thinks that grannie is going to die sooner naturally, that's all!
"If it doesn't raise costs, and we're truly going to take this money from Medicare, what it's going to do to our seniors is, I have a message for you: 'You're gonna die sooner.'"
Wait...let me get this straight. You don't want a government-run public option because you're afraid it's going to take money from A GOVERNMENT-RUN PUBLIC (albeit limited to the elderly) OPTION!?

Tweeting - ur doing it wrong

This is why live-action Twitter updates are probably not a good idea when there's a picture of your news team next to the headlines:

Epic fail. And no, that's not our Monroeville.

Late Night Video Club

The Black (Fuckin') Keys - Just Got to Be

Because no other album opens with a better song than this... hands down. It certainly helps that Magic Potion rocks your godforsaken face off.

Thankgiving break return, stupidity, etc.

A lot has happened since last we hunkered down in front of our computers to churn out an angry rant about how god-awful the future of our country looks or something a little less serious, perhaps like a badass Star Wars wiki page (Have you visited it yet? You really are missing out if not).

So, after almost a week, we return from a break spent celebrating gluttony, watching football, debating whether or not we are going to enter a Rustbelt trebuchet in the next Punkin Chunkin event, going into the woods with a rifle, and listening to Alice's Restaurant on Repeat.

The Steelers lost, and subsequently have raised our blood pressure. The Penguins shellacked the Rangers twice. Keith Ballard hurt his own goalie in one of the most epic fails ever. President Obama grew a pair and decided we were going to get those terrorists in Afghanistan. But what we're really concerned about is this report on Yahoo! searches.

The biggest surprise in the list of 2009 top searches may be WWE, the official website for professional wrestling. The WWE website includes news of the latest matches and WWE superstar profiles and videos.

Below is the official top ten Yahoo! list for overall searches:

1. Michael Jackson 2. Twilight 3. WWE 4. Megan Fox 5. Britney Spears 6. Naruto 7. American Idol 8. Kim Kardashian 9. NASCAR 10. Runescape

You know, a lot of talk has been raised about our "Founding Fathers" and what not. Every self-proclaimed patriot and Constitution expert has literally been touching themselves to worthless drivel about our Founding Fathers, and what they would do in today's political and social climate.

Well, I think this is evidence that our Founding Fathers would be less concerned with the Muslim socialist Hitleresque baby killer running the country and would be more concerned with how ridiculously idiotic its inhabitants have become. And yes, nobody uses Yahoo! any more, so this isn't necessarily the largest focus group for judging society, but still - Naruto?!

**UPDATE** - Sadly, the Google list is not much better...