Friday, July 31, 2009

We're not a sports blog

But man does Sean Burnett hate Pittsburgh. To the Post-Gazette, on his trade along with Nyjer Morgan (another fan favorite) to the Nationals:

"It's funny, but Nyjer and I knew this was going to happen," Burnett said last night from Milwaukee, shortly after hearing that the Pirates continued their trading binge by sending away John Grabow and Tom Gorzelanny. "They're the laughingstock of baseball right now. They've gotten rid of everybody. They won't keep anybody around. Some of the guys here, they don't understand it, but Nyjer and I knew this was coming."

What I keep telling the guys here is that the hardest part is that Pittsburgh, as a sports town, is unbelievable," Burnett said. "With what the Steelers and Penguins have done, they're dying for a winner in baseball, too. They're dying to cheer the Pirates on. And now, they don't have anybody they even know. Guys like Jack and Freddy, the faces of the franchise, players they're supposed to be locking up, they're all gone. What's going to bring people to the ballpark now?"

Agreed, good sir. Agreed. Perhaps your mediocrity on the mound contributed to your own trade, but we agree nonetheless. As for the fans, maybe they'll come for the only real competition left at the ballpark:

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Look out Loretta

Today we give you part 2 of Puck the Media's interview with broadcasting legend, Mike Lange.

For those of you who missed the late night post of part 1 and are too damn lazy to scroll down a few posts, you can find the first half here.

Many kudos again to Puck the Media for a terrific interview with Mr. Lange himself.

Stay classy Bobby Clarke

Senior VP and former player for the Philidelphia Flyers Bobby Clarke sat down with Alan Bass of The Hockey News to show just how much he loves the Pittsburgh Penguins. Now to even the most casual of hockey fans, this seems like a very small deal considering the cross-state rivalry between the two hockey clubs is well known. This time though, Bobby took it to a new level.

When speaking of the Flyers, Clarke decided to take a shot at the teams who, unlike Philly, build through the draft.
“We were allowed to spend the money, we always tried to win,” Clarke said. “We didn’t do what Pittsburgh did; lose seven years in a row so they could get good. They did it twice, in fact. They went through six or seven different owners. We’ve had one owner.”
Wow... Congratulations for being able to go out in free agency and overpay make smart personnel decisions, by which I mean plugging in players whose cancerous style meshes well with the team.

You're right Bobby, the Penguins went through some dark years, and they were bad... really bad. But while you are out shopping for the biggest free agents hoping they won't come to town and play like shit after you toss 7 million a year at them, the Penguins are off building through the draft. Surely we are the only team who has gone through this...
“It’s somewhat embarrassing that three of the last teams (in the 2009 playoffs) missed the playoffs six or seven years in a row; Washington, Chicago, and Pittsburgh,” he said. “Now they’re good and the teams that try to win all the time get penalized. Our philosophy has never changed since 1967.”
Ah... correct again, except one thing... I believe Edmonton has the 5th most Stanley Cups and the 5th best winning percentage. Detroit is 3rd in cups and 7th in winning percentage. The Rangers? 6th in cups 12th in winning percentage. All of these teams are constant contenders. Oh, and all of these teams have won at least four cups since the last time the Flyers have had a chance to etch their names on Lord Stanley.

In short... Bobby Clarke you may be a legendary player, but now we know why you lost the GM job after two seasons... you have no goddamn clue what you're talking about.

Oh ya... 1975.

Are you an otter or a sea turtle? Do you own a gun? Are you an American citizen?

If your answer pattern for the questions above went "yes," "no" and then "no," you are responsible for making Glenn Beck's mind bleed:

Best fire that destroyed an 1600's-era Pirate ship replica ever

These are not action shots of the new Pirates of the Carribbean film, which we have been told is going to be titled Redundan-sea. They are pictures of a circa-1650's replica merchant ship from the Dutch East India Company totally engulfed in fire. It was docked in Den Helder, the Netherlands. The cause of the fire is under investigation. Courtesy of BBC's day in pictures:

Of course this chick in the Netherlands has dreds.
Damned pot-smokin' hippies...

RIP Prins Willim. Say hi to Saint Pete in pirate ship Heaven.

Sexy racist times: morning edition

You smell that? That's not your homefries sizzling on the griddle, that's another racist asshole saying something really asinine.

We suspected that this goofy racial issue involving a jumpy, overeager police officer and a confused academic was over when President Barack Obama squashed the beef by setting up a beer date. What started out as a major racial issue was on its way to fizzling out into the "misunderstanding" category, which, for all intents and purposes, it was.

But Boston police officer Justin Barrett's quotes are going to be a little harder to cite a lack of clarity when apologizing. Turns out he likens distinguished Harvard intellectuals who also happen to be Black men to a certain animal from a certain region, and then decided that he wanted to email his thoughts. Didn't we warn racists from doing this in the past? Heed our call, people!
In Barrett's e-mail, which was posted on a Boston television station's Web site, he declared that if he had "been the officer he verbally assaulted like a banana-eating jungle monkey, I would have sprayed him in the face with OC (oleoresin capsicum, or pepper spray) deserving of his belligerent non-compliance."
Makin' great strides, USA. I thought this kind of shit only happened in the South?

Late Night Video Club

Here is a video that was made by some silly girls at Slippery Rock University. So take it to the face and maybe you will laugh. This is probably only funny if you are familiar with SRU. If not, maybe plan a visit and see why this delicious parody was birthed.

I'm at the Rock by Katelyn and Erin

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Sports Blog Outsourcing 1.0

We may be a bit behind on some of this news, but back the fuck off...

Tom Barrasso and John LeClair were both inducted into the US Hockey Hall of Fame.
Kudos to both of you along with Frank Zamboni without which we would have nothing to watch in between periods of NHL 93. Tommy B. helped the Pens win 2 Stanley Cups in the early 90's while John LeClair had 58 points over two seasons with the Pens.

Pittsburgh Steelers TE Heath Miller signs 6 year contract extension.
Good call by the Steelers who are facing the daunting task of signing or replacing Casey Hampton, Brett "Diesel" Keisel, Ryan Clark, Willie Parker, Jeff Reed, Willie Colon and Justin Hartwig... Oof. Miller is one of the most underrated tight ends in the league and locking him up long term provides Roethlisberger with a tiny bit more protection for years to come.

Puck the Media grabbed a terrific interview with legendary hockey broadcaster Mike Lange.
We don't care if you love the Pens or hate them... OK maybe we do, but either way you have to admit that Mr. Lange is one of the best in the business.

Mike Florio of Pro Football Talk gets the big middle finger from Steelers Nation.
Florio lists the top 10 reasons the Pittsburgh Steelers will pick up Michael Vick. Jesus fucking christ man... you're main source for an article is a bunch of bookies saying that the Steelers will toss aside Charlie Batch and Dennis Dixon in favor of Michael Vick. Then you go on to weave an intricate web of connections between Vick, Dan Rooney and Omar Epps Mike Tomlin?! I know it is the off season and all, but come on man...

Strike three for Jim Balsillie as the NHL says nay to his offer for the Coyotes.
Gary Bettman and the NHL Board of Governors unanimously voted to reject an offer from Jim Balsille to buy the Phoenix Coyotes and move the team to Hamilton, Ontario. The Board of Governors approved the sale of the struggling team to a group of investors led by Jerry Reinsdorf. The Coyotes have lost money every year since moving to Phoenix, so by all means Mr. Bettman... keep them there and hide behind the Board of Governors... joke.

Pirates trade Freddy Sanchez for a... pitching prospect...
Wait! Don't run away just yet... Tim Alderson, the 22nd overall pick two years ago, was considered the no. 4 prospect in the Giant's system coming into this year. He has posted a 7-2 record and a 3.65 ERA in AA ball this year. Maybe Neal Huntington and co. have some sort of plan... maybe... anyone?

Did the Pirates just do something smart?

Jack Wilson and Ian Snell have just been traded to the Seattle Mariners, in return for first baseman Jeff Clement, shortstop Ronny Cedeno and right-handed pitchers Aaron Pribanic, Brett Lorin and Nathan Adcock.

This is actually a good call. We have been calling for Wilson to be traded for years; yeah, yeah he's a decent defensive shortstop, but he's a classic underachiever at the plate and he has represented the vomit and shame-inducing policies of the Dave Littlefield era of Pittsburgh Baseball. Snell, on the other hand, was a pretty good pitcher. Although he struggled with consistency these last few years, he had some decent stuff; the thing is, he was incredibly volatile in the locker room and was frequently upset with the press. So no real loss there.

With the way Garrett Jones has been playing, Clement might be splitting time with him at first base, but since Jones can always be optioned into the outfield and Clement to catcher, this is actually looking really, really good. Plus, Cedeno is good and is only going to get better.

I can't believe I am saying this, but that was a good trade. Are the dark ages over? Hell no.

This week in unneccessary cultural chaos

Behold! The Arab-Israeli conflict. An anarchic conundrum of irrational people doing irrational things, with reasonable folks hovering around in the background trying to figure out why we can't go a day in Haifa or Gaza without some crazy bastard holding up a burning effigy, a young kid throwing rocks at something stoic to rocks (like tanks) or the Israeli government chucking a rocket at someone. For two decades now, peace agreements have been rescinded, people have been blown from here to the Suez Canal, and the underlying theme of it all is that it is the other guy's fault.

We could go through all of the crazy shit that has gone down and why it has been insane, but that would require us to work take too long. Go read a book or something; Thomas Friedman's From Beirut to Jerusalem actually would be a good start.

But this week, it's Israel's turn to be the assholes.
Israel's ultra-nationalist Foreign Minister Avigdor Lieberman has ordered embassies abroad to use a photo of Adolf Hitler meeting a top Palestinian cleric to counter international criticism over a Jerusalem settlement project, a senior Israeli official said on Wednesday.

The decision to circulate a 1941 photo featuring the Nazi dictator sitting with the then grand mufti of Jerusalem Amin al-Husseini is aimed at easing pressure on Israel over a construction project on land in annexed east Jerusalem once owned by the cleric, the official told AFP.
Thanks, Minister Lieberman. Real fucking cool. Play the Holocaust card as it relates to the people of Palestine, who had no control over Amin al-Husseini's courting of Hitler. It's not their fault the British were completely screwing Palestinians over and that al-Husseini sought an ally, but it is your fault that Palestinians hate you. You're really making great strides toward peace, and are really representing the maturity of your party well. Dick.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Best thing to blame Swine Flu on ever

Getting trashed and trying to operate a vehicle.

Deborah Karen Graham sought clemency for the charge in the southern city of Queenstown (New Zealand), saying the three glasses of wine she had consumed were more potent because she was recovering from the swine flu virus.

I think I blamed SARS for a bottle of whiskey my parents found under my bed in high school, so I actually sympathize with this woman.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Leaving with class

"So how about in honor of the American soldier, you quit making up things. And don't underestimate the wisdom of the people. And one other thing for the media -- our new governor has a very nice family, too, so leave his kids alone." - Sarah Palin
You're right, former guv'na. Naughty naughty media and blogosphere, for finding out your daughter was pregnant and then immediately jizzing our pants because of how fucking funny, ironic and hypocritical it was. That one was our bad.

And what about not underestimating wisdom? Are you referring to spiritual wisdom? Like, the kind your witch-hunting pastor was exercising when he asked God to keep you safe from witches?

And maybe, just maybe, we'll stop making up things. But only if you stop first. Now have fun drifting off into political obscurity, knowing that we were not the ones who drove you to it; it was your own damn fault.

P.S. - Thanks for that one last bullshit, empty-rhetoric-laced patriotic hoo-ha, citing our American soldiers. They're so proud to be referenced by you, I'm sure.

Friday, July 24, 2009

FeEd yOur HeAd

Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland looks unstoppable! Just when Alice Couldn't get any trippier, Mr. Burton takes ahold of it. I'm sure it will meet all my expectations, I just really hope he includes THE JABBERWOCKY. This is probably the most exciting movie trailer I've seen since Where the Wild Things Are... that's going to be incredible as well! So let this twist you're brain up into the stratosphere for a while, and see if you can answer: Who0o0o0o R U???

PS - Don't step on the Mome Raths...

Tangled up in Blues

If you're looking for something to do this weekend and are tired of spending the days in a blurred turmoil of whiskey, wine, beer, cheap cigarettes and shame (we sure as hell aren't), swing on down to Hartwood Acres for the 15th Annual Pittsburgh Blues Festival.

Check out the bands and events at the Blues Festival's website here, or you can go to the PG's fantastic Blues Blog to scope it out. It is a perennial fact that you will find a virtually unknown blues band and become obsessed with them; or maybe that's just me.

Riceboy Sleeps

Somewhere in the deep recesses of tRbT fandom is someone who like this author is a giant fan of Sigur Ros... maybe? No? Well fuck it read on anyway.

From Jónsi Birgisson, singer and guitarist of Icelandic awesomeness Sigur Ros and his partner, artist and musician Alex Somers comes Riceboy Sleeps. This 9 song, 98-minute long side project is pure instrumental bliss. For those of you who feel that music does not always need lyrics to accompany... take a few minutes and at least check out the first song, Happiness.

While Riceboy lacks the lyrics (whether they be Icelandic or Hopelandic) of say njósnavélin (the nothing song) or Sæglópur it makes up for it with Jónsi's ability to make ambient rock masterpieces.

Give it a try and if you haven't yet, go give Sigur Ros a shot... They're no Jonas Brothers I know, but you may end up liking them.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

The horse's mouth

"Yeah, right, well if all those socialist democrats want healthcare, tell 'em to go to Canada! See how happy they are about their doctors!"

Those were the words I heard a passerby utter to a friend today as I was buying a pack of gum. Two sentences that were so poorly backed-up, so ridiculously obtuse and credulous that I finally could not withstand the anger and frustration that had been building up for, well, since I learned what socialism actually meant.

"Do you know how Canadians feel about their health care? For all we know they might be okay with it," I said, without the slightest hint of asshole in my tone.

"Do you?" She replied.

And that's when I realized that, albeit my inquiry was not as abrasive, I too had nothing with which to back it up. I genuinely did not know how Canadians felt about their healthcare system at all. It was either quickly call my friend who lives in Canada, or get out of the conversation fast; I chose the latter (read: I'm a huge pussy).

So I checked out a few polls, and found a recent (June), fairly balanced one concerning Canadians and their approval of said healthcare system. And the result? I win.
OTTAWA -- Canadians think their American neighbours would be wise to look north as they grapple with a massive health-care overhaul.

That's the conclusion drawn from a new poll published as Capitol Hill legislators debate a plan to cover nearly all Americans with government-run health insurance.

The Canadian Press Harris-Decima survey suggests 82 per cent of Canadians believe our system is better than U.S. health care.
"I think there's a growing sense that going fully private, or having some version of an almost fully private model like the American one, doesn't necessarily serve the broader interest the way Canadians would want it to be served," said Harris-Decima vice-president Jeff Walker.
Well, looks like they're not jumping off of the falls after all, praying that they don't hit a rock and instead get swept away by a current to the friendly shores of Buffalo, where the doctors are abundant, the nurses aplenty and the vicodins delicious. Seems to me like they're, like I said to my new friend, okay with it.

Best picture ever

That goofball underneath the Russian Damsel is none other than Geno Malkin.

When asked about his vacation, Malkin simply responded "Hopped up out the bed, turn my swag on!"

Okay, that part is made up, but what a man.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Late Night Video Club

Green Day - Walking Contradiction
Great song, great band, great video, great album. Also, great concert. And they're in town tonight.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Blog Outsourcing 1.2

Jupiter has been attacked.
NASA has confirmed an Earth-sized hole in the gas giant's atmosphere Monday night. Experts are saying "something large" has struck Jupiter in the last few days, most likely a comet or a block of ice. We're just glad Jupiter is bearing the brunt of all these cosmo-shenanigans, because if that thing came our way we would be needing a ride off of this rock.

Ed Rendell sucks worse than ever.
PA Governor Ed Rendell's job approval rating dropped to the lowest level it's been, according to a statewide poll. Rendell seemed confused when presented with this information, citing that the city of Philadelphia seemed to be quite pleased with him. The closest reporter to the governor began citing Pennsylvania's other 66 or so counties, but the comments were not heard as the governor, donning a Scotty Hartnell wig, began "going at it" with the Philadelphia Phanatic. Without getting too avant-garde with the details, we'll just reveal that a statuette of Rocky and a shellacked cheesesteak from Pat's were used in ways which God had not intended them to be utilized.

It's still really not cool to dress up like a Nazi, even in Romania.
You'd think by now people would figure out that this is not very acceptable anywhere. I'm pretty sure if you dressed like a Nazi in New Guinea that you would be accosted for doing so. But apparently, Romanian Mayor Radu Mazare did not follow the recent example of one of Britain's finest and thew on some 3rd-Reich inspired garbardine. Tom Cruise's role in Valkyrie is what allegedly gave him the idea to don the outfit. Vomit.

If you douse yourself in a flammable liquid, then sequentially get tased, you're probably going to burst into flames.
Pretty self-explanatory. Some crazy Australian bastard doused himself with "petrol" then charged a cop, and apparently the cop didn't hear the Aussie cry "Don't tase me, mate!" If you're a liberal and you get upset about this, go light yourself on fire for the rest of us. Seriously.

Guantanamo is still open.

Apparently the economy, health care reform, heightened tension in Afghanistan and (probably) Michael Jackson's death have preoccupied the folks who were in charge of figuring out what to do with the detainees who are actually dangerous. The innocent ones who were just waterboarded until they confessed are probably pretty bummed, though. Cheney isn't.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Kazaam vs. Big Ben

You thought you were on cloud nine, flaunting your super bowl rings and surviving helmetless motorcycle accidents. But let's see if that O-line you routinely ballyhoo can protect you from a SHAQ ATTACK:

Kazaam. He's comin fo yo ass, Ben.

The showdown of the century is among us; if you ever have looked at Ben Roethlisberger and Shaquille O'Neil and pondered who would be a better quarterback at the helm of a minor league football team, now is your chance to finally live out your wildest fantasies.
As part of his new reality TV show, “The Shaq Show,” basketball star O’Neal will be at Ambridge Area High School’s Moe Rubenstein Stadium from July 22 to 24. The 7-foot-1 center will get a crash course in quarterbacking, working with the Pittsburgh Colts semi-pro team.

The Wednesday and Thursday practices will be closed to the public, said Randy Cosgrove, athletic director for Ambridge Area. But everyone’s invited to Friday’s 6 p.m. showdown, in which O’Neal will take turns with Pittsburgh Steelers star Roethlisberger, seeing who does a better job of running the Colts’ offense. Another semi-pro team might be added, too.
A recent signing with the Cleveland Cavaliers, frequent usage of modern social networking and a TV show. It's like the 90's all over again, with Shaq at the top of his game.

Best Headline Ever 1.1: Greensburg Edition

Man with syringe, claiming he has HIV, robs businesses.

Step aside, Capone and Luciano, this criminal mastermind is coming to a Sunoco A-Plus or a Motel 3 near you:
State police in Greensburg are looking for a man who robbed a motel and a gas station while wielding a syringe and claiming to be infected with HIV, the virus that causes AIDS.
Only in Hempfield township. Legendary place.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Another one bites the dust

Why are so many famous people dying this summer? Next on the chopping block is legendary news anchor Walter Cronkite, 92. Like Robert MacNamara before him, at least Walt was old and wasn't surrounded by scandals involving the molestation of children, or shot/stabbed by a girlfriend. I don't think we can handle one more of those.

Our only question is, who's going to do the voice of the Owl at the Bohemian Club now?

Cronkite the owl, just before Nixon and Reagan made someone
burst into righteous flames with Scalia
silently observing

RIP, Walter. Thank you for the many years of narrating the most tumultuous times our country had seen. May you give Saint Pete the news story of the ages up there, big guy.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

It's a Great Day for Hockey 3.0

It seems the Pens have gone and updated their It's a Great Day for Hockey montage for the playoffs/ownage of the cup... yes The Clarks are still playing in the background.


Closest shave since Britney Spears

This was taken during a demonstration preceding a boat race on the Detroit River during Chrystler's annual APBA Gold Cup. In the photograph is one of the last people left in the city of Detroit after a mass exodus to upstate Michigan, where the entire city is now sloshed and listening to Kid Rock.

Note to self: do not screw around with the US Navy.

Do ya know what we need, man? Some rope.

10 years removed from the original it seems that Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day will be gracing us soon, and to tease those of us aching for a sequel just a bit more comes this.

Sony Pictures has announced the details of The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day panel at 2009 San Diego Comic Con International. The trailer for the much anticipated sequel to the 1999 cult classic film The Boondock Saints will premiere during the panel on Saturday, July 25th at 3:30pm.

Sweet baby Jesus yes! Hopefully this film breaks the curse of almost every goddamn sequel sucking balls and Troy Duffy and Co. can re-produce the magic of the first. IMBD has the release date for the sequel as November 1, 2009.

In honor we give you this deleted scene from the first movie... fucking genius...

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

"...until we're all shitting rainbows!" - Adolf Hitler

What with this whole Sotomayor confirmation thing going on, this whole Iran fiasco still happening and our economy dropping faster than an athlete with a crazy young girlfriend, it is amazing that there is still shit to report on Michael Jackson. The latest? Footage of Adolf Hitler's reaction to the tragedy.

The best part is at 2:54, when a woman is crying because of Hitler's comment that "The Cleveland Show" is not going to be any good because Cleveland is not even the funniest character on Family Guy. Genius.

G20 Update

Be very, very afraid. Pittsburgh Police begin training for G20 protests. At Brashear High School, no less.

Lesson 1: How to resist a steak & egg Primani sammitch from now until September

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Sam Brownback says fuck you Pan!

You little human-goat-thing. Nobody likes you!

This is what happens when you have a group of crazies who are no longer in the majority that are so far to the right that they don't even want to tell people they are in the Senate anymore, and they're getting bored. They start writing legislation, and the legislation starts getting pretty friggin' weird.

Take Sammy's last little gem he authored on Friday: the Human-Animal Prohibition Act of 2009. This legal masterpiece prevents science from creating some kind of human-animal hybrid; so if you're a mermaid and you're reading this right now, you are illegal. Piss off.

Okay, now that we are merpeople-free, let's continue. From Sam's blog comes some sort of explanation:

This legislation works to ensure that our society recognizes the dignity and sacredness of human life. Creating human-animal hybrids, which permanently alter the genetic makeup of an organism, will challenge the very definition of what it means to be human and is a violation of human dignity and a grave injustice.

My background is in agriculture, and for a number of years we have been working with crops and animals to produce a superior soy bean, a superior cow, and so-on. We can genetically engineer safe products and herds that are disease resistant or that possess more desirable attributes. But doing this in plants and livestock is very different than doing this in humans.
Damn. Well, looks like creating Ender-like beings are off the table. Son of a bitch!

Monday, July 13, 2009

What an unbelievable asshole

As if people don't have enough to be pissed off at Ed Rendell about lately, he goes and says the dumbest shit on Earth last Friday.

Even though the clock is ticking for Pennsylvania's 77,000 state workers - their next two paychecks are going to be partial, after which paychecks will be withheld - Rendell still thinks that he's the good guy here.
"Most of those state workers -- I've arranged for them to get a $15,000 loan with no interest, so if they're paying off $6,000 worth of credit debt at 14 percent, they should put a statue of me up on their mantel place," Rendell said.
Yeah, good idea Eddie. They should commemorate you for squandering their salaries and then forcing them to take out a loan in which they will be paying a low interest rate on. A loan, not a paycheck, a loan that has to be paid back. That makes a lot of fucking sense.

Apparently Ed also forgot that some of the fine folks that work for the state might not qualify for said loans. Brilliant!

What would happen if T-Pain and the media had sex

Thank you Auto-Tune the News for this brilliant masterpiece.

Ever wonder what crazy bitch Michelle Bachmann would sound if she was spewing her idiotic conservative separationist rhetoric over a sick nasty beat? Now you know.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Late Night Video Club

This took way longer than it probably should have...yay for still owning a PC, right! Well I happen to be up and thinking of amazing things, so I posted this video for your faces to be rocked by. An absolutely amazing video and song... although I do prefer that all my Pearl Jam come in a live format (maybe a video of a live performance for my next installment to the Late Night Video Club).

Friday, July 10, 2009

Holy shit people read this!?!?!

Today marks the 500th visit of our fair blog by citizens around the world. How we got here, god only knows but we're damn proud that people would take time out of their day to actually check in on our moronic rantings about sports, politics and our inability to make contact with the opposite sex.

Our pathetic lives aside, we have hit a landmark in the history our of young blog. Beyond 500 visits, we've had 1,158 page views and 133 posts. When this blog began on April 21st at 7:13pm, none of us thought it would become anything like it has, but rest assured that we will continue this as long as we are bored at work/school/home. None of us knew that we would become marginally popular, or that a I'm Feeling Lucky search on Google of "rustbelt" would bring you straight to our page (don't believe us... try it).

All the fancy numbers aside, we want to take a moment to thank our audience, because without you, well we'd be talking to ourselves. The following cities/states/countries have at one point or another stopped in to say hello to our fair blog:

The entire Western PA area... thank you to all our friends who put up with these lame ideas.
Tel Aviv, Israel
Mont-Laurier, Quebec
Hanover, Niedersachsen (Germany)
Ottawa, Ontario
Sao Paulo, Brazil
London, England
Lake Mary, Flordia
Central City, Kentucky
Dallas, Texas
Jessup, Maryland
Piscataway, New Jersey
Boyds, Maryland
Minneapolis, Minnesota
And so many others that we didn't bother to write down before Sitemeter got rid of them.

Thank you all,

- The Rustbelt Tramp -

Buccos lookin ahead...and across the border..

I could not find an official release on the Pirates Website. But this was on their official Facebook page in my news feed. Half the things that are on the Facebook never show up on the official site (surprise surprise with the pirates...)

Anyways here is what it said. feast your early afternoon lunch break eyes on this...

The Pirates have announced the signings of six international free agents. Here's the list, with a brief comment from Director of Latin American Scouting Rene Gayo about each player.
  • OF Pedro Lara, 16, Dominican Republic: "Pedro has a medium frame with an athletic build -- similar to a young Moises Alou. He is also agressive and competitve on the field and profiles to be an above-average hitter with power potential. He has speed on the bases and exhibits the instincts, athleticism and arm to be a special player in the outfield."

  • 3B Roberson Valdez, 16, Dominican Republic: "Roberson has solid body control and is an instinctive hitter who has a natural stroke with projectable power."

  • 2B Alen Hanson, 16, Dominican Republic: "Hanson is an athletic middle infielder with a very projectable body and an upbeat attitude. He projects to have a number of above-average Major League tools. Alen is a line drive hitter who sprays the ball around the field with some extra base power."

  • LHP Orlando Castro, 17, Honduras: "Orlando profiles to be a future starter. He is a three-pitch pitcher (fastball, curveball, changeup) who projects to have solid command of his fastball and above-average off-speed offerings. He has a medium build with room to mature."

  • SS Carlos Esqueda, 17, Mexico: "He is an impressive athlete with outstanding makeup. A dedicated, no fear player who loves the game and competes with a championship attitude. Carlos projects to be a solid Major League shortstop. He is quick, smooth, and has good instincts on the field. He is aggressive on the basepath and with physical maturity, should develop average speed."

  • RHP Richard Montilla, 17, Panama: "Montilla is a solid athlete with room for physical maturity. He is a battler -- very competitive and confident on the mound. Richard profiles to be a future starter with the potential for an above-average fastball and curveball."
Who knows. maybe one of these fine teens will develop into a decent player, ya know once they're done with puberty. And hopefully if they do become something good, we won't trade them away like we do other awesome players. So to all other disgruntled Pirates fans... keep your head up, we may be the worst organization in the MLB (maybe all sports) at the moment, but we can't be the worst forever. Besides it could be worse... we could be from Ohio... ::shudder::

Late Night Video Club

Toad the Wet Sprocket - Walk on the Ocean

Some early 90's alternative lovin' for your viewing pleasure.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Pre-Season baby!

Do you have that itch? That little twinge in the back of your head wondering... WHERE THE FUCK IS HOCKEY!?!? Well we do, and just to tease us all a bit more the Penguins have gone ahead and released their 2009 pre-season schedule:

Friday, Sept. 18, TORONTO AT PITTSBURGH, 7:30 p.m.

Monday, Sept. 21, Pittsburgh at Montreal, 7:30 p.m.

Tuesday, Sept. 22, Pittsburgh at Toronto, 7:00 p.m.

Thursday, Sept. 24, Pittsburgh at Columbus, 7:00 p.m.

Friday, Sept. 25, COLUMBUS AT PITTSBURGH, 7:30 p.m.

Sunday, Sept. 27, Pittsburgh at Detroit, 5:00 p.m.

That leaves us... 71 days 5 hours and 24 minutes (and counting) until we can all watch Geno Malkin and Sidney Crosby blow through defenses like Michael Jackson through a 12 year old boy's underwear.

Does this mean no more Sanchez Salsa?

Say goodbye to the most delicious and stereotypical condiments available on Giant Eagle shelves.

In congruence with the latest actions of the Pittsburgh Pirates in trading away anyone who shows signs of consistency or team leadership, the Bucs have announced that Freddy "Dirty" Sanchez is on the trading block.

Oh yeah, Freddy is once again the Pirates' leading hitter with a .313 average and last week was selected for his third All-Star Game in four years. So it was only right to send him away.

Hopefully we get a prospect for him, and one who isn't preoccupied with other business ventures.

So long Stan

We're a couple days behind on this due to the sheer laziness chaotic schedule of this author. According to Bob Smizik's blog, beloved Pittsburgh sports talk host Stan Savran will no longer be on the air. Apparently Fox Sports Network Pittsburgh, in their infinite fucking wisdom decided that the fine yinzer's of this area would no longer like to hear the dulcet tones and words of sheer brilliance coming from one Mr. Savran's golden mouth... OK we may be going a bit too far, but if you watch his show, this news should piss you off pretty badly.

For those of you who feel their life will not be complete without a little Savran on Sportsbeat in their life, well we can't replace it. You can however find Stan on ESPN 1250 from 10am til noon alongside his former Sportsbeat partner Guy Junker.

So long Savran on Sportsbeat, and Stanley... you will be missed.

March 11, 1991 - July 7, 2009

Keeping the (green)peace by causing some unrest


(headline should read "activists arrested for trying to make a difference and caring about our world" but that would be too long.)

Greenpeace proves once again to be one of the most badass environmentalist groups out there! (except this guy... he was so badass he got booted out of Greenpeace, but don't worry he is making a huge effort to defend the earth from assbag japanese whalers!) These activists climbed the mountain (don't worry they did so by using the existing anchors placed by the NPS for cleaning, so there should be no damage [interesting that it is a concern when the site is essentially a completely destroyed mountain side to begin with]) and unfurled a banner beside good old Abe's giant visage urging Obama to get his shit together on Global Climate Change. The banner read "America Honors leaders, not politicians. Stop global warming!" and had a picture of President Obama.

I give them a well deserved salute. Way to get out there and not leave the problem to just stew. True they broke a law by trespassing and hanging a banner... but ya know.. once the environment is gone, there will be no need to go to Mount Rushmore, cuz we'll all be dead. Besides, I've been there and pictures are good enough, not worth the trip so much. However, South Dakota in general is pretty excellent. (hello Black Footed Ferret!)

So way to go Greenpeace, please keep up the good work. I also encourage a little civil disobedience from our dedicated (5) followers. Get out there and shake up the system for a cause!

And if you don't believe this stuff is happening... well then you're a republican... enough said.

The Money Shot

British scientists claim to create human sperm

Hear that? That's the sound of Satan and George Tiller high-fiving.
The technique could in 10 years allow researchers to use the basic knowledge of how sperm develop to design treatments to enable infertile men the chance to have biological children, said lead researcher Karim Nayernia, of Newcastle University, whose team earlier produced baby mice from sperm derived in a similar way.
Or it could be used to create Ender-like super genius soldiers. Think stormtroopers with brains, and the only thing they want to do is kill you and your parents. That's what I think really is going to go down.

But, in the meantime, I guess using this stuff to make babies as well as cells for the brain, pancreas, heart and blood vessels would suffice for now. For some of us rational folks, anyways.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Your federal tax dollars at work.

Okay, I get it, Michael fucking Jackson died and you're all bent out of shape about it because, like the rest of us, you have been concernedly freaked out by his behavior, his accused affinity for touching children and his overall plasticky whiteness, and now you're feeling guilty.

But he is dead; it has been confirmed by almost every network that, prior to Jackson's death, was covering real things.

So you'd think the orgasmic 24-carat-solid-gold-casket-themed climax during the media circle jerk yesterday would be enough to quell even the most ferocious feeding frenzy types. Between 24-hour CNN, FOX and MSNBC's coverage of the whole goddamn memorial including the stupid Palinesque rantings of Brooke Shields, it was a breath of fresh air to read actual news on our internet today.

But no. Yesterday, apparently, was not enough for Texas Representative Shelia Jackson Lee. Some of our elected betters are legitimately debating a resolution honoring Jackson on the House Floor today in Washington.
Her legislation, House Resolution 600, lists several charitable acts by Michael Jackson over his long career and proclaims him as an American legend, musical icon and world humanitarian. He is, Jackson Lee said, "someone who will be honored forever and forever and forever and forever and forever."
Goddamn this country.

Best protest ever 1.0

No, this is not a Liberty College skit explaining the "salt of the earth" parable. This is a group of protesters in muppet politician heads and Top Chef attire, standing around an earth stew of some kind and seasoning it with some sweet sweet carbon dioxide. Apparently, they're pissed that the leaders of the top eight economies in the world are wasting all this CO2 talking about stuff. Who knows.

The summit is going on now - with more pissed-off European chaos to ensue, no doubt.

You gotta give them creativity points, though.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Reporting live from the State of Champions

This is on display (well, was on display) in Harrisburg today.

In case there are any Pirates fans under the age of 16 reading this (see #1 on this list), that thing on the left is the Commissioner's Trophy, awarded to the team that wins the World Series. Since the Phillies are the current holders of this, Pennsylvania is the keeper of the three most heralded trophies in American (and one in Canadian) sports.

Not that we're giving any love whatsoever to Philly, though. Your city is more lame than that Rocky statue you guys keep around. He was a fictional character; get over yourselves.

We would also like to note that, although there was a lot of tourist action in the capitol today, there was not a lot of legislative action going on, especially pertaining to that whole budget thing that we still don't have. In fact, it doesn't look like there is going to be an end in sight.

Dear Lame Duck: get your shit together.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Uh oh 700's not only a book and a movie... but it's really good exercise! Oh, that Satan is tricky!

Have no fear my beautiful blog obsessed friends, for I have returned!

Now, what could be so mind-blowingly righteous, so bodaciously bitchin that I have crept out from the deepest recess of the blog shadows? I shall tell you...


In my travels through the shadowlands I have discovered that the crown jewel of awesomness in the wizarding community is now attainable to muggle folk...that is right, WE CAN PLAY QUIDDITCH!!! I'm talking full-out balls-to-the-wall quidditch ass-kickery! Apparently I am slipping in my old age since I was unaware of this. It's been happening now, and expanding massively over the course of the last four years! A group of dorm friends began playing quidditch together at Middlebury college (of course it's vermont people who have the best fucking these cow squeezing badasses..and these neo-hippy gods!). It keeps growing each year...if it was a disease and had a catchy name in a week it would become a pandemic! (when's the last time that happened??...) and i don't know about you lot, but I want a piece of the action!

Seriously...I am so happy I live in a world where fictional sports can become reality, and there are being just as dorky as myself to get overly excited about it.

If you read this have no idea what quidditch is...then you are the purest definition of suck. And if you are reading this and just don't care, well I would gladly trade anyone of the deaths of our dearly missed celebrities for yours. However, I will rest a little easier knowing that you wasted all your time reading this when you didn't care about it to begin with.

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince: best movie of the summer (you know its gonna be)

Intercollegiate Quidditch Association: Best college sports organization ever (NCAA my ass!)

by the can order your movie tickets in advance from these fucking guys!


This shit is real.

Stereotype (noun, verb): a simplified and standardized conception or image invested with special meaning and held in common by members of a group.

George W. Bush is a gun nut. I get that. I also understand that we was, well, a bit into that whole Iraq thing; into it enough to fabricate a correlation between the 9/11 attacks and the nation of Iraq, a correlation that did not and should not have existed. Furthermore, I know that he will certainly not go down in history as one of the most intellectual presidents, all partisan beliefs aside.

But I really didn't think that he was this fucking obtuse.

In case you're too lazy to click the above link, here's the deal. The centerpiece of the Bush Library is going to be the gun (unloaded at the time) that Saddam Hussein had in his possession (and submitted it to US forces upon his capture) when the Delta Force yanked him out of his rabbit hole outside of Tikrit.

So let me get this straight - you want the central artifact in your library (which will be on a Methodist college campus in Texas, in case you feel like not being surprised at all) to be the gun that was taken from a dictator of a country that had nothing to do with 9/11 and is associated with one of the largest and most embarrassing foreign policy blunders in the entire American history? Can somebody please explain this to me?
Mark Langdale, the president of the foundation that is being set up in Bush's name,
Okay, this is going to be good. A president of a foundation. Has to be an intelligent answer. Right?
"the gun is an interesting artifact, and it tells you that the United States captured Saddam Hussein and disarmed him, literally. How we fit that into the decision to go to war, we haven't gotten to that point yet."
This is too delicious. Well, here's to you, Georgie: may we all remember you as the gun-obsessed Texan making unnecessary connections between two unrelated things. Good luck with the rest of the design of the library, which, I have been told from a Washington insider, will be in the shape of Jesus' beard. Should be very art deco.

Max Talbot: Über badass

Max Talbot and his fierce beard shown above holding Lord Stanley

Apparently Max "Superstar" Talbot not only scored two goals in Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals, but did so with an injured shoulder. Max is scheduled to undergo surgery to repair his shoulder here soon and is expected to miss the first month of the coming season. Many thanks to PensBurgh for breaking the story and finding someone competent enough to translate from French into English.

Only 89 days til the first regular season hockey game... but we're not counting or anything.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Happy, Birthday, USA

Okay, you have to follow these steps exactly if you would like to get the experience of America in full-frontal. You ready? Okay, good.

Ignore the video here; we're mostly concerned with the music. Actually, pay attention to the video. The Hulkster is pretty damn American. Hit play below to start the "America to the Face" presentation.

So far, so good. Now, as you're rocking out, take a few moments to view these very American images. We recommend spending 15 seconds on each to get the full effect.

Amber waves of Grain


Pry it from my cold dead fingers

God damn eagles are badass

A true patriot.

Still not enough? Red, White and Blue still not pumping through your veins yet, even after that Billy Guerin Olympic photo? Wow, you must be a liberal if you're not loving America yet. Either go to France and sodomize someone while maintaining a secular, progressive lifestyle or hit play below and gaze into our flag.

Our "America to the Face" presentation is complete. We're off to get wasted and light fireworks, and we suggest you do the same. It's what our forefathers fought those damn redcoats so hard to do.

Awesome Post-Gazette blunder

What's wrong with this headline?

Penguins sign Sewickley native Bill Guenin

Now, if you're thinking "so effing what Mar, they misspelled Bill Guerin's last name, get off the PG's nads already," you're barking up the wrong tree. If you're texting your friends right now freaking out that you were the first to learn the trivia that Billy G is actually from Sewickley, stop: you're about to make yourself look like a massive tool. Not that you aren't already seen as one, if you're reading this.

There actually is no Bill Guenin from Sewickly, his name is Nate Guenin, and he has the unfortunate case of having a very similar name to a beloved Penguin winger. He's 26 and is a defenseman, though it is unknown whether or not he was signed to replace Rob Scuderi. Judging by the fact that we just read his name for the first time right now, probably not.

Regardless of Guenin's talent, we see the, ahem, lazier sports writers and journalists screwing up Nate's and Bill Guerin's names all season long, so stay posted for more of these.

**UPDATE** The PG fixed their typos. We knew it - they're keeping tabs on us. Good job fixing your article, Dave Molinari - those of us who were up before noon (rule out Ryan, Matt and Andrew from this blog) know that you half-assed that article.

This week in unnecessary religious chaos.

Thrown pig leads to religious riots in India. Nothing says "holy shit" (every pun intended) like cops firing tear gas and beating people with bamboo sticks over a tossed pig. But, as it turns out, when a bunch of Hindu misanthropes chucked Babe's cousin onto a construction site for a future mosque, their shenanigans were not taken so lightly.

Although we feel like this is a little outrageous, we understand the rage. It would be like if this guy sat outside a Greek Orthodox church during lent grilling up some serious lamb:

Yep. The streets of Athens would run red.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Scuds to LA

So long Bobby Scuds... According to the Post Gazette, Pittsburgh Penguins defensemen Rob "The Piece" Scuderi has agreed to a contract with the Los Angeles Kings. Terms are unknown, but are believed to be four years at 3.4 million per year.

Anyone who has watched Penguins hockey for the past few years has always seen Bobby Scuds play his game, and play it damn well. While not the greatest offensive talent to lace up the skates in Mellon (He had 3 regular season goals in 300 games), he was solid in his own end and simply got better year after year.

This year's Stanley Cup Finals brought Lord Stanley's Chalice to Pittsburgh. It also brought about Scuderi's huge pay day with this one shift.

While Rob has said many times he would give Shero & co. the final shot at re-signing him, there is no way the Pens can afford that contract. They only have just under 6 million left for this coming year and they still need to sign another winger and prepare to extend Sergei Gonchar and Kris Letang next year. All of that with a falling cap.

It will be interesting to see what Mr. Shero does to fill the hole left by the now "missing piece" but we here at The Rustbelt Tramp stand behind him. So long Rob Scuderi, thanks for everything.

Go Pens.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Free agency can be a real pain in the ass...

but you gotta trust Shero. Why? Because this man does:

You know you wanna go dahn Colussy's in Bridgeville and pick one up.

And you got scared when the Dems took the House and Senate...

Behold, your new rulers of all:

Colonizing your house and your mom very, very soon.

Turns out while we were all too busy going about our business, fighting wars, using fossil fuels, writing great books and making sweet sweet know - being humans and everything, one mega-colony of ants decided that the time was right to do what Alexander the Great, Rome, Protestants and Dick Cheney could not accomplish: colonize the entire friggin' world.

Argentine ants (Linepithema humile) were once native to South America. But people have unintentionally introduced the ants to all continents except Antarctica

In Europe, one vast colony of Argentine ants is thought to stretch for 6,000km (3,700 miles) along the Mediterranean coast, while another in the US, known as the 'Californian large', extends over 900km (560 miles) along the coast of California. A third huge colony exists on the west coast of Japan.

So why shouldn't we be equipping ourselves with anteaters and really big shoes right now? Oh, that's right, because unlike humans, these little guys just want to be friends:

But whenever ants from the main European and Californian super-colonies and those from the largest colony in Japan came into contact, they acted as if they were old friends.

These ants rubbed antennae with one another and never became aggressive or tried to avoid one another.

In short, they acted as if they all belonged to the same colony, despite living on different continents separated by vast oceans.

Damn you, ants. Why are you so much cooler than we are?