We all know that nothing makes Jesus more mad than genitals touching, even through the protective barrier of clothing. It's science.
Thankfully, we have a way to address this issue - which undoubtedly has become the most pressing challenge the church faces in our time - of young people becoming oddly satisfied with being in an embrace with the front of someone else.
In fact, I am told, some young people do this without said clothing. I believe it is universally known as the "No-Pants Dance," but I am not sure. I give side hugs.
What's a side hug, you may ask? Well, it's only the greatest invention in the world. You see, people like me know that God would rather have us out spreading his word and giving handjobs to bananas rather than getting all hot and bothered in an embrace with some babe from our youth group.
And, luckily, there are people like me who are even more awesome. They're so awesome that they made this rap song, which is chock full of sick nasty beats and even comes to a gangsta violent ending all while spreading the holy message of the "Christian Side-Hug".
Which, come to think of it, could have just been called the side-hug, since no one has ever wanted to give anyone one of these before, ever. Or maybe the "happy birthday, Uncle Jerry, you're drunk" hug. I don't know.