Hug a girl from the side, be a gangsta

We all know that nothing makes Jesus more mad than genitals touching, even through the protective barrier of clothing. It's science.

Thankfully, we have a way to address this issue - which undoubtedly has become the most pressing challenge the church faces in our time - of young people becoming oddly satisfied with being in an embrace with the front of someone else.

In fact, I am told, some young people do this without said clothing. I believe it is universally known as the "No-Pants Dance," but I am not sure. I give side hugs.

What's a side hug, you may ask? Well, it's only the greatest invention in the world. You see, people like me know that God would rather have us out spreading his word and giving handjobs to bananas rather than getting all hot and bothered in an embrace with some babe from our youth group.

And, luckily, there are people like me who are even more awesome. They're so awesome that they made this rap song, which is chock full of sick nasty beats and even comes to a gangsta violent ending all while spreading the holy message of the "Christian Side-Hug".

Which, come to think of it, could have just been called the side-hug, since no one has ever wanted to give anyone one of these before, ever. Or maybe the "happy birthday, Uncle Jerry, you're drunk" hug. I don't know.

Daryl Metcalfe: keeping state politics pants-shittingly crazy

This only matters to our PA readers, so like, maybe three of you, but is interesting for all you other bohemians nonetheless.

It pains me to tell you that our favorite birther and Thomas Jefferson-misquoting state rep is now the chairman of the House Intergovernmental Affairs Committee.

Fortunately, nobody really knows what the fuck state government - let alone a lesser-known committee - does other than waste time, get bonuses and use state money for campaigns.

In light of this historic moment for the good Representative, we took a walk down memory lane to give you all some of our favorite moments of Metcalfe's stellar legislative career:

• Opposed a resolution for "Domestic Abuse Awareness Month" in the state because the legislation noted males being abused as well, and thus according to Metcalfe was "promoting the homosexual agenda."
  
• Called veterans who were campaigning for climate change "traitors to the oath he or she took to defend the Constitution of this great nation" for promoting a progressive agenda about the global warming.
  
• Refused to support a resolution honoring 60 years of service to a Muslim group because, here's the kicker, "Muslims don't recognize Jesus Christ as God."

Good to know that a true patriot is in a leadership position in our great state. I feel that the Constitution, or at least the parts that allow me to keep an AR-15 in my house in case any immigrants get in, is truly being kept safe in the gentle hands of a good church-going man.

This week in keeping church and state not-so separated

Click for a bigger image of this; apparently it was ordered to be given out to the faithful in light of the health care legislation going through:

Hmmm. "Thou shall not lie." So they're going to edit that part about abortions being taxpayer subsidized, right?

Stay classy, anti-abortion people

You've gotta love the supporters Scott Roeder, the guy who shot and killed famed late-term abortionist George Tiller. They figured it would be a nice fundraising tool to get together and sell anti-abortion propaganda, such as pictures depicting Tiller beheaded or a Bible with anti-abortionist passages highlighted.

However, what they didn't really get their Lord-softened brains around was that eBay might not exactly be privy to this notion. In fact, the internet auction site thought it was exactly what we think it is: pretty stupid.

After the Kansas City Star reported plans for the auctionlast week, eBay officials said they would "not allow listings that promote or glorify violence, hate, racial or religious intolerance, or items that encourage, promote, facilitate or instruct others to engage in illegal activity."

But the auction's organizers posted what they considered "less offensive" items -- a cookbook written by Shannon, a grisly drawing by Roeder's cell mate -- and managed to get the listing through eBay's filters. There had been one bid of $50 before the listing was shut down.

Classy, gentleman. Really classy. Glad we're all grown-ups here.

Does it scare the bejeesus out of anyone else that this was actually making money before it was shut down?

Stay classy, Vatican

Vatican condemns Hallowe'en as anti-Christian

Ah, yes, because a holiday in which, as we mentioned earlier this week, children dress up like ghouls and get free candy and adults dress slutty and get trashed is such a blatant move by the devil to get us off of Jesus' side. Because these people take their minds off of the baby Jesus for one day to dress up like Frankenstein, we are all waiving our rights to paradise. No thanks, Vatican. Stop taking our lives so seriously. Then again, I guess that's what we pay you for. Sigh.

Really, dude from Growing Pains?

Turns out when you're a subpar actor in an 80's sitcom and your services are no longer needed now that you've flushed all of that coke, hairspray and Reaganomics out of your system, you turn to evangelism. Which, after all, isn't a bad route to take when the chips are down. Either way, the kid from Growing Pains (who the fuck actually knows his name) released this clever and really breakthrough idea about how to handle the upcoming anniversary of Darwin's satanist work of literature that has since poisoned the minds of our youth and damned all of us to a fiery chasm of sodomy and death. Check it out for yourself:



Breakin' real ground there, Copernicus: combat an idea by amending the book that the idea is in. Real mature. Way to take out all of your aggression about the fact that not everyone in this country is super privy on you all being obnoxious religious nutjobs in public places on science. That's worked for your kind before.

Can you imagine the pants-shitting that would go on among evangelicals if we asked them if, right before God switches the light on in Genesis, we throw a little hubbub about the Big Bang Theory? Or maybe right at the spot when he creates Adam, we place a small disclaimer saying that some people think this process took a couple million years and it involved Adam evolving rather than just appearing out of thin air, riding a Jesus Horse and thinking about America?

WWJD?

Randall Terry, founder of the crazy religious nutjob anti-abortion group Operation Rescue, on the murder of Dr. George Tiller:

"George Tiller was a mass-murderer. We grieve for him that he did not have time to properly prepare his soul to face God. I am more concerned that the Obama Administration will use Tiller's killing to intimidate pro-lifers into surrendering our most effective rhetoric and actions. Abortion is still murder. And we still must call abortion by its proper name; murder."

No, abortion is abortion; murder is what your buddy just accomplished, in church by the way. Nothing like doing God's work; gotta be pretty rewarding. How many virgins does this guy get in heaven, now?

Going to Liberty College this fall? Are you a Democrat?

If so, you're totally fucked.

In another round of religious nutjobs doing stuff to discredit themselves while administering irrational ultraconservative rules that would scare the bejeezus (pun intended) out of any normal human being, Liberty College decided yesterday that the College Democrats' beliefs are not conducive to to the Liberty way of life, and thus the organization is forbidden to assemble on school grounds.

Does anyone else think this is epically hilarious that the name of the college is Liberty, and they are rescinding an organization's recognition at the university?

"The Democratic Party platform is contrary to the mission of LU and to Christian doctrine (supports abortion, federal funding of abortion, advocates repeal of the federal Defense of Marriage Act, promotes the 'LGBT' agenda, Hate Crimes, which include sexual orientation and gender identity, socialism, etc)," Hine wrote in the e-mail to the LU College Democrats.

Ah, yes. The always-concrete argument that Democrats are baby Jesus hatin' abortionist sodomites who think women should be more than just a baby-churner-outer (only under the sacrament of marriage, of course) and conduct hate crimes on all the fetuses, straight parents and combustible engines in this here one nation under God.

Of course, when you're a private Christian university, you don't have to worry about that whole civil liberties thing. Which is why they maintain a pretty consistent clientele.

This is, after all, the same university that was founded by a damned lunatic who had some really intelligent, tolerant and Christian things to say. Some of my favorites include:

“AIDS is not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is God's punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals”

“[homosexuals are] brute beasts...part of a vile and satanic system [that] will be utterly annihilated, and there will be a celebration in heaven.”

"I hope I live to see the day when, as in the early days of our country, we won't have any public schools. The churches will have taken them over again and Christians will be running them. What a happy day that will be!"

"You've got to kill the terrorists before the killing stops. And I'm for the president to chase them all over the world. If it takes 10 years, blow them all away in the name of the Lord."

Yep, great guy that Falwell. And his university, in his rather permanent absence, is still hitting the ground running in that ol' Falwell way.

Somewhere, the Purple Teletubby is laughing at all of this. And hopefully pissing on Falwell's grave.

What does this look like?

Does it look like an otter? Maybe a marine/land mammal similar to a muskrat or beaver?

Turns out it's neither: it has been revealed that this here little Puijila Darwini is just science's new, improved way to bite its thumb at the Book of Genesis.

The Puijila, swimming in an ocean of sodomy. Double whammy.

In response, the GOP, citing that they are the viable mouthpiece of God (to hell with that whole Vatican thing) has issued a 2,462-page dissertation on the Puijila. They claim Biblical evidence indicates that this mammal which may be the missing link to evolution is actually a "Jesus-seahorse," which was long thought to be extinct.

In an additional response, the GOP has indicated that they have plenty of things to disagree with liberals about other than the now almost-proven theory of evolution. Social justice, taxes, tea-bagging, gays, torture, waterboarding and the notion that it is not torture, states' rights, abortion, the significance of 90's country music, other kinds of science, foreign policy, interpretation of the constitution and Carrie Prejean's glorious, glorious breastesses are all issues on which the parties can still find no common ground.

No dancing for you baptist boy!

From our fine neighbors to the west we give you this gripping tale of young love torn apart by religion.

A senior at Heritage Christian School will be suspended Monday for attending Findlay High School's prom because the event involves dancing and rock music.

Excuse me? You cannot possibly be serious can you? Oh wait... you are...

A Heritage School committee decided Wednesday that Tyler Frost, 17, will be suspended if he attends Saturday's dance because the school's policy forbids dancing, rock music, hand holding and kissing.

Mere weeks away from graduating high school, this young, probably ACTUALLY decent young man is going to be suspended. He will not be allowed to walk with his classmates at graduation and will not receive his diploma until he completes the work he will miss so that he can attend prom with his girlfriend who attends nearby Findlay High School. If that sounds familiar Pittsburgh fans, Findlay is the hometown of one Ben Roethlisberger.

A little further information on Right Wing Extremist Heritage Christian School:

• Contact between boys and girl in grade 7-12 are forbidden.

• Rock music is considered "part of the counterculture which seeks to implant seeds of rebellion in young people's hearts and minds."

Heritage has taken the time to respond to e-mails sent in response to this act against God. Please feel free to send them a message or two of your own... I'm sure they love fan mail.