Saudi Arabia: A beacon of hope

Have you ever read a headline that made you chuckle? Ever read an article and feel really good afterwords? Like the world really isn't a giant crater of shit and stupidity and the faster its immune system flushes all of mankind out the better?

This is not one of those stories.

A Lebanese man who hosted a popular TV show where he gave callers advice and sometimes predicted the future was sentenced to death by a court in Saudi Arabia last month. His charge? Sorcery.
...
Sibat confessed to Saudi authorities that he consulted spirits to predict the future. But the authorities didn't release him. Instead, they brought him to a TV studio and told him to confess again. The conversation was broadcast on a Saudi program about religion.

"How do you rate yourself among magicians?" an interviewer asked Sibat. "What?" said Sibat, clearly nervous. "I have failed. I confess in front of God."

Sibat was then tried in court, and the confession was used against him. He was sentenced to death on Nov. 9. Saudi justice officials would not respond to several requests for comment about his case.

Well that is just fucking marvelous. Not only is it frowned upon to practice sorcery or witchcraft in Saudi Arabia, easily a topper on the "top countries with the highest concentration of crazy irrational religious people per square mile" charts, but now you can get your ass killed by doing such harmful, Satanic things like predicting the future.

But then again, if you told me this kind of stuff was going down in a small town in Utah somewhere, I would believe you. So I guess we should tip our hats to the Saudi government for being that crazy that they'll at least own their shit on this issue. Now if only they could figure out what to do with all of those goddamn Twihards...

Stay classy, Vatican

Vatican condemns Hallowe'en as anti-Christian

Ah, yes, because a holiday in which, as we mentioned earlier this week, children dress up like ghouls and get free candy and adults dress slutty and get trashed is such a blatant move by the devil to get us off of Jesus' side. Because these people take their minds off of the baby Jesus for one day to dress up like Frankenstein, we are all waiving our rights to paradise. No thanks, Vatican. Stop taking our lives so seriously. Then again, I guess that's what we pay you for. Sigh.

Makin' it rain on the North Shore

It just wouldn't be right, grandstanding around the internet pretending that we're king shit blog and touting Rustbelt street cred if we didn't discuss this. Rivers Casino opened up yesterday on Pittsburgh's North Shore, and no one was sentenced to eternal damnation or had spontaneously become addicted to what some people say is "the crack cocaine of casino gambling."

Esther, 76, clearly strung out on crack, gambling and Satan.

Albeit those who enter the casino risk damnation and having their life fall apart in a booze-fueled slot machine rampage, it seems like the first official day went pretty smoothly for our riverside friends. So for now, we'll chalk this up as a solid use of a brownfield site. Now stop reading this blog and go sin down at the Rivers Casino; in fact, when they bring table games to the state, you'll see a few authors of this blog down there.

The Money Shot

British scientists claim to create human sperm

Hear that? That's the sound of Satan and George Tiller high-fiving.

The technique could in 10 years allow researchers to use the basic knowledge of how sperm develop to design treatments to enable infertile men the chance to have biological children, said lead researcher Karim Nayernia, of Newcastle University, whose team earlier produced baby mice from sperm derived in a similar way.

Or it could be used to create Ender-like super genius soldiers. Think stormtroopers with brains, and the only thing they want to do is kill you and your parents. That's what I think really is going to go down.

But, in the meantime, I guess using this stuff to make babies as well as cells for the brain, pancreas, heart and blood vessels would suffice for now. For some of us rational folks, anyways.