Five things that really suck right now

This is not a Keith Olbermann rip-off (and even if it was, he's not really legitimate enough to matter), but rather a list of the five things we currently feel are either severely overrated or just god-awful and should be avoided by anyone who values their conscience.

5. Sarah Palin's return to the national spotlight



Only in a country obsessed with Jon and Kate could someone like Sarah Palin excel at attracting legitimate attention. Why we are all still talking about her is beyond me; her post-campaign life has resembled that of a trashy reality television show on CMT. But yet we enable her horrendous remarks about ridiculous conspiracy theories and death panels by giving her more attention. Jesus...

4. Weezer's Raditude

Part of the joy of listening to Weezer over the years has been wondering just how weird frontman Rivers Cuomo is, and if he ever is going to grow up. You learn on Raditide that he is not only pretty weird, but also a massive attention whore who probably was a flash in the pan lyrically, and in fact is not ever going to grow up. Terrible commercialized half-assed effort.

3. The Apocalypse



I don't care about the Mayans, I don't care about the guy who held the boom box up and played that Peter Gabriel song in that 80's movie, I don't care. I feel like I'm back in high school trying to trip the kid who was walking down the hall with an armful of the Left Behind books.

2. Fox News

This one might be mainstay on this list, but with their recent purging of YouTube clips featuring their programs (and targeting the ones published by progressives) as well as Shep Smith's awkward and forced apology regarding his complaint about balance, Fox News is looking pretty damn douchey right now.

1. Where the Wild Things Are (film)



Before this movie came out, I was pondering who or what was more overrated than writer Dave Eggers. I discovered it while watching this movie - the answer is a cooperative effort between Dave Eggers and fellow overrated person Spike Jonze. The moral of Sendak's genius book gets lost in this mopey, emo bitchfest that tries way too hard to say "fuck you" to whatever you hoped the movie would be and instead strives to be the least interesting story ever told by anyone ever. The visuals are great, but so are the visuals from a mushroom trip, and at least the latter doesn't tackle you to the ground and take a dump on your dreams.

Seeing is believing

Still think this is some kind of media-hyped hippie ploy to get you out of that 4 X 4 Silverado that you have a constitutional right to drive around? Think again:

Nothing says "the world is melting and we are all going to die" better than photos of it actually happening. And yes, the time-lapse photos are peppered with Al-Gore-esque powerpoint boredom; deal with it.

Dear everyone who is not a fetus: the GOP wants you dead.

Remember this debacle?

If not, I'll give you a quick rundown. Bobby Jindal, governor and post-2008-election GOP messianic figure, claimed that science was lame sauce and that we as a nation spend too much money on worthless things like monitoring the oceans, researching volcanoes (if Jesus made it, it can't harm us, right?) and the likes. Then a volcano erupted in Alaska, and the monitoring equipment gave everyone the adequate warning and, despite pretty low approval ratings among interpreters of the New Testament, science saved the day.

Little did we know that this was not just a dumbass remark from a not-so-smart governor of a not-so-smart state; instead, this was the first stage of a massive effort to kill you and everyone you love.

Turns out there were a few other things the GOP had a problem with in the Stimulus Bill, besides the fact that the whole thing was pro-communist-socialist-Marxist-sodomy: Republicans also criticized language on pandemic preparedness as well.

But former White House political czar Karl Rove and key congressional Republicans -- led by Maine Senator Susan Collins -- aggressively attacked the notion that there was a connection between pandemic preparation and economic recovery.
...
Famously, Maine Senator Collins, the supposedly moderate Republican who demanded cuts in health care spending in exchange for her support of a watered-down version of the stimulus, fumed about the pandemic funding: "Does it belong in this bill? Should we have $870 million in this bill No, we should not."

So in conclusion, the GOP is trying to murder you; they want to kill you with wars in which they get you motivated to fight but then leave you there for extended tours of duty, with lava, with diseases born from Mexicans/Pigs/Mexican Pigs, and eventually with all sorts of other things. Shrapnel will definitely be in there though.

"Why are they doing this?" you might ask. Well, we think there could be a lot of reasons. The obvious is, with less people around, there proportionally are going to be less rational people around. That's good news for upcoming elections.

Who knows? Maybe this godforsaken planet's immune system is finally kicking in and trying to sweat us off like a bad fever. Nonetheless, this is all going according to the GOP's plan: create a post-apocalyptic wasteland wiped out by violence and disease. Then, the survivors will become locked in an epic battle between Good and Evil. Kinda like The Stand, only Jesus comes at the end.