Monday, April 27, 2009

Dear everyone who is not a fetus: the GOP wants you dead.

Remember this debacle?

If not, I'll give you a quick rundown. Bobby Jindal, governor and post-2008-election GOP messianic figure, claimed that science was lame sauce and that we as a nation spend too much money on worthless things like monitoring the oceans, researching volcanoes (if Jesus made it, it can't harm us, right?) and the likes. Then a volcano erupted in Alaska, and the monitoring equipment gave everyone the adequate warning and, despite pretty low approval ratings among interpreters of the New Testament, science saved the day.

Little did we know that this was not just a dumbass remark from a not-so-smart governor of a not-so-smart state; instead, this was the first stage of a massive effort to kill you and everyone you love.

Turns out there were a few other things the GOP had a problem with in the Stimulus Bill, besides the fact that the whole thing was pro-communist-socialist-Marxist-sodomy: Republicans also criticized language on pandemic preparedness as well.
But former White House political czar Karl Rove and key congressional Republicans -- led by Maine Senator Susan Collins -- aggressively attacked the notion that there was a connection between pandemic preparation and economic recovery.
Famously, Maine Senator Collins, the supposedly moderate Republican who demanded cuts in health care spending in exchange for her support of a watered-down version of the stimulus, fumed about the pandemic funding: "Does it belong in this bill? Should we have $870 million in this bill No, we should not."
So in conclusion, the GOP is trying to murder you; they want to kill you with wars in which they get you motivated to fight but then leave you there for extended tours of duty, with lava, with diseases born from Mexicans/Pigs/Mexican Pigs, and eventually with all sorts of other things. Shrapnel will definitely be in there though.

"Why are they doing this?" you might ask. Well, we think there could be a lot of reasons. The obvious is, with less people around, there proportionally are going to be less rational people around. That's good news for upcoming elections.

Who knows? Maybe this godforsaken planet's immune system is finally kicking in and trying to sweat us off like a bad fever. Nonetheless, this is all going according to the GOP's plan: create a post-apocalyptic wasteland wiped out by violence and disease. Then, the survivors will become locked in an epic battle between Good and Evil. Kinda like The Stand, only Jesus comes at the end.

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