Holla back, stereotypes

Just like when a sports team makes the leap of faith into the world of young people using technology that is changing faster than Tara Reid's stomach, it is equally unwise for a political party to similarly make an attempt. Obama lucked out with Facebook and hasn't looked too awful, but RNC Chairman Michael Steele has gone too far. Not only has he started a blog (it will probably get updated less than this one), but he has gone and named it What Up?

Really, Mike? What up? White kids in the suburbs don't even use that word anymore, and your votes are safe with them anyways. Unfortunately for you, The only thing that is going to make the GOP appealing to young urban people is if, you know, you drop that whole GOP thing.

I really dig the first post, though. It starts out with a vague tribute to the internet and social networking tools:

The Internet has been around a while, now. But, I still find it an amazing platform for innovation, not just in technology, but in life. Beyond admiring the way it powers so many inventions and businesses, it has become a personal thing for me. I love the fact that, wherever I might be, I can use technology to see my family and chat with them, and Social Media to tap into what my friends are doing.

Today, I want to begin to better connect with Republicans everywhere.

Internet! Connect! Republicans! Okay, you've got my attention, Mike. Go on:

My first blog entry, therefore, is really a couple of questions for you; use the comment button to send me replies. We will run as many questions as we can, which I will answer.

Why are you are Republican? Think about that for a minute.

No, I don't want to think about that for a minute. Gross! Also, I'm sure there are some serious questions and lucrative answers after the "Read More" tab, but the What Up? staff must have been too busy catching up on Glenn Beck YouTube videos to realize that the link was broken. So that's all the fun we can have right now.

But seriously: What Up? That is unreal. And, sadly, this is just one of the many, many, many racial tightropes that Steele has walked as of late. What a strange guy.

It really is hard to keep your pants on in Nevada

Especially when you're a US senator...

Apparently Mr. John Ensign (R-NV) cannot keep his hands out of the staffer cookie jar. In an interview with the Associated Press, Ensign reveals that he had an affair with a member of his campaign staff from December 2007 to August 2008. The statement says "I deeply regret and am very sorry for my actions."

I can understand regret for a drunken evening celebrating a victory, but come on man! This continued for 8 months... hardly a case of just the tip, just for a second, just to see how it feels.

According to his website, Ensign "spends his work week in Washington D.C. and travels home to visit his family Darlene, Trevor, Siena and Michael on the weekends."

Unless, of course, it is campaign season.

We understand that scandals of this sort have happened to members of the Democratic party as well, but it is just too damn easy to pass up another GOP member doing something to bring more bad press to his party.

What does this look like?

Does it look like an otter? Maybe a marine/land mammal similar to a muskrat or beaver?

Turns out it's neither: it has been revealed that this here little Puijila Darwini is just science's new, improved way to bite its thumb at the Book of Genesis.

The Puijila, swimming in an ocean of sodomy. Double whammy.

In response, the GOP, citing that they are the viable mouthpiece of God (to hell with that whole Vatican thing) has issued a 2,462-page dissertation on the Puijila. They claim Biblical evidence indicates that this mammal which may be the missing link to evolution is actually a "Jesus-seahorse," which was long thought to be extinct.

In an additional response, the GOP has indicated that they have plenty of things to disagree with liberals about other than the now almost-proven theory of evolution. Social justice, taxes, tea-bagging, gays, torture, waterboarding and the notion that it is not torture, states' rights, abortion, the significance of 90's country music, other kinds of science, foreign policy, interpretation of the constitution and Carrie Prejean's glorious, glorious breastesses are all issues on which the parties can still find no common ground.

Dear everyone who is not a fetus: the GOP wants you dead.

Remember this debacle?

If not, I'll give you a quick rundown. Bobby Jindal, governor and post-2008-election GOP messianic figure, claimed that science was lame sauce and that we as a nation spend too much money on worthless things like monitoring the oceans, researching volcanoes (if Jesus made it, it can't harm us, right?) and the likes. Then a volcano erupted in Alaska, and the monitoring equipment gave everyone the adequate warning and, despite pretty low approval ratings among interpreters of the New Testament, science saved the day.

Little did we know that this was not just a dumbass remark from a not-so-smart governor of a not-so-smart state; instead, this was the first stage of a massive effort to kill you and everyone you love.

Turns out there were a few other things the GOP had a problem with in the Stimulus Bill, besides the fact that the whole thing was pro-communist-socialist-Marxist-sodomy: Republicans also criticized language on pandemic preparedness as well.

But former White House political czar Karl Rove and key congressional Republicans -- led by Maine Senator Susan Collins -- aggressively attacked the notion that there was a connection between pandemic preparation and economic recovery.
...
Famously, Maine Senator Collins, the supposedly moderate Republican who demanded cuts in health care spending in exchange for her support of a watered-down version of the stimulus, fumed about the pandemic funding: "Does it belong in this bill? Should we have $870 million in this bill No, we should not."

So in conclusion, the GOP is trying to murder you; they want to kill you with wars in which they get you motivated to fight but then leave you there for extended tours of duty, with lava, with diseases born from Mexicans/Pigs/Mexican Pigs, and eventually with all sorts of other things. Shrapnel will definitely be in there though.

"Why are they doing this?" you might ask. Well, we think there could be a lot of reasons. The obvious is, with less people around, there proportionally are going to be less rational people around. That's good news for upcoming elections.

Who knows? Maybe this godforsaken planet's immune system is finally kicking in and trying to sweat us off like a bad fever. Nonetheless, this is all going according to the GOP's plan: create a post-apocalyptic wasteland wiped out by violence and disease. Then, the survivors will become locked in an epic battle between Good and Evil. Kinda like The Stand, only Jesus comes at the end.

Global warming = Big Brother = night squads using stealth to break into your house at night and strangle your children so they can't produce CO2.

And once again, we learn that big government is evil.

According to Congressman Radanovich (Guess which political party, CA), this whole Global Warming initiative is just a front to funnel money in from all the Joe the Plumbers, Hockey Moms and Joe Six-Packs out there.

The entire premise behind a cap and tax energy proposal is to punish those who produce, thereby punishing those who consume, which by my quick math amounts to everyone in the United States. Unfortunately, the sadistic nature of radical environmentalism is the disproportionate impact on the poor. While there are some families in this country who can afford to be burdened by a $3,128 energy tax—the vast majority cannot.

You're exactly right, Congressman. If Americans waste as much CO2 as you do every day fumbling and bumbling around real issues while vomiting your rhetorical banter, the ice caps would be gone and Pittsburgh wouldn't be 40 degrees right now.

I'm also not so sure you are the right guy to be talking about the poor, what with the whole California legislator thing going for you - you know, in a district that is 75.5% white, the median income is a comfy (for rural Cali) $50,000.00 and 60% of the jobs are white collar.

Just Sayin'