As we forgive those who trespass...nah, screw that

There's nothing that gets a religious nutjob - well, nuts - like abortion. Albeit bringing up stem cell research, climate change, evolution and just science in general certainly holds the capacity to make their minds melt, something strikes these people right in the soft, gooey ravines of their soul when you bring up killing children or babies.

Of course, when we do that in Afghanistan after dropping bombs that look like food packets, it's no big deal - but that is neither here nor there. Or anywhere, really.

But you really gotta give a slow clap to Reverend John Malloy and the Chicago Archdiocese of America for being a paradigm of hope to all of the moral world. You see, the Archdiocese authored a prayer for Teddy Kennedy in his passing. Rev. Malloy, pissed off as all hell that an abortionist babykiller death dealer was specifically mentioned, immediately demanded the Archdiocese rescind their prayer for that booze hound, or at least change the wording.

The original prayer said: "For those who have given their lives to service to their country, promoting values of peace, justice, equality, and liberty; especially, Senator Edward M. Kennedy, that he may find his eternal reward in the arms of God. . . . We pray."

A number of Catholics howled about that language because Kennedy was a strong supporter of abortion rights.

The prayer was rewritten in a more generic fashion: "For all our beloved dead, especially (particular parish intentions), and for Senator Edward M. Kennedy, that they may find their eternal reward in the arms of God. We pray."

Real friggin' classy, guys. I'm sure our kind and merciful God is really proud of you. Unless, of course, any of you are pro-abortion. Then you're pretty much fucked.

Sexy biased times: Morning edition

White House launches health tattle-tale site

It's really hard to lay off of picking on one media outlet when they are this obtuse about their news. When you go to FOX News home, you see the above headline. When you click it, the headline magically changes to White House Launches Web Site to Battle Health Care 'Rumors'.

First off, notice how the word "rumors" is in quotations; like FOX doesn't know that all of the melodramatic absurdities being vomited out of idiotic ultraconservative nutjobs who are being bussed-in to town hall meetings are rumors. To FOX, I guess, the notion that Barack Obama isn't Hitler is just a rumor, not an actual fact.

Furthermore, how asinine do you have to be to call a website that was set up by the federal government to dispel rumors a tattle-tale site? Suddenly the White House is ratting people out when they try and defend themselves from outlandish rumors which, by the way, are being perpetuated by ultraconservative groups and FOX News themselves. It's kind of like the circle of life, really.

WWJD?

Randall Terry, founder of the crazy religious nutjob anti-abortion group Operation Rescue, on the murder of Dr. George Tiller:

"George Tiller was a mass-murderer. We grieve for him that he did not have time to properly prepare his soul to face God. I am more concerned that the Obama Administration will use Tiller's killing to intimidate pro-lifers into surrendering our most effective rhetoric and actions. Abortion is still murder. And we still must call abortion by its proper name; murder."

No, abortion is abortion; murder is what your buddy just accomplished, in church by the way. Nothing like doing God's work; gotta be pretty rewarding. How many virgins does this guy get in heaven, now?

Traditional marriage = good

Traditional boobies = bad.

This is epically hilarious, and a great lesson in dumb-broadism. Turns out NOM's newest spokeswoman and latest opponent of gay marriage, Carrie Prejean, has no problem with receiving free breast implants at the expense of the pageant. Traditional matrimony I guess trumps traditional anatomy, in Carrie's mind.

MAGGIE RODRIGUEZ, CO-ANCHOR: A question we're going to put to Keith Lewis, the co-director of the Miss California organization, who joins us this morning from Los Angeles. Good morning to you, Mr. Lewis.

KEITH LEWIS, CO-DIRECTOR, MISS CALIFORNIA PAGEANT: Good morning.

RODRIGUEZ: First of all, can you settle this once and for all? Did you pay for or help pay for Miss California's breast implants?

LEWIS: We assisted when Carrie came to us and voiced the interest in having the procedure done, yes.

RODRIGUEZ: Why?

LEWIS: Well, you know, first off, it's not something that we endorse, nor is it something that we suggest. But when we meet with the titleholder when she's crowned Miss California, we put to her a litany of questions about how she feels about herself, what she feels she needs to work on, what she may need to change, what is good, what is not good. We want to put her in the best possible confidence in order to present herself in the best possible light on a national stage.

RODRIGUEZ: Why is the best possible confidence involve getting breast implants? Why does that improve her odds of winning? Why in that meeting don't you discourage her from going that route, rather than help her to pay for breast implants?

LEWIS: Well, we would never encourage her to go that route, but...

Aside from all of the existential questions this forces into the back of one's throat like an impending projectile vomit, one very tangible question first needs to be addressed: Why did it take the media almost an entire week to figure out that these babies were fake, and that this was obviously ironic?

It took my creepy neighbor 30 seconds, and that was only because he was opening a Pabst Blue Ribbon pounder for the first 15.

Next week, we are looking forward to the next fucking hypocrite to come out against gay marriage, so we can ridicule them accordingly.

I saw three ships a'sailing in...and now I'm a racist.

This little nugget comes from our friends over at FOX:

Hundreds of Brown students had asked the Providence, R.I. school to stop observing Columbus Day, saying Christopher Columbus's violent treatment of Native Americans he encountered was inconsistent with Brown's values.

O, wealthy Caucasian people: the kings and queens of the "Jason Bay" (meaningless) protests. Just yesterday on Forbes Avenue a group of students who were definitely not Palestinian were protesting the violent attacks Israel was conducting on Palestinian civilians; sadly, what their poster boards and sharpies failed to mention was that Palestinians were still attacking and torturing Israelis as well. Whoops!

But that is neither here nor there. Back to Brown. Brown University was founded by and had received endowments from slave owners. Hell, the school even led the research of the link between slavery and the Ivy League a few years back. The results? The institutions were financed in some measure by wealth accumulated through the Triangular Trade.

Brown, the seventh-oldest U.S. university, was built with contributions from people who owned slaves or traded in Africans, including the original Brown family, who owned the Sally and sponsored the voyage that killed 109 of its 196 captives.

So let me get this straight, students and faculty at Brown. You don't want to celebrate a holiday named after a guy who oppressed indigenous peoples, cheated them in order to turn a profit for his own nation, and aggressively forced them out of their homes and customs and into a lower echelon of society. Right? Just making sure.

Oh yeah, and get this. What do you think Brown did as soon as their "breakthrough" research was finished? They hired the Ivy League institution's first African-American president: Ruth J. Simmons.

Haven't we seen this move made before?