Wahhhhhhhhhhh

You have to laugh at everyone going balls-crazy about Mayor Ravenstahl setting some ground rules for protestors at the upcoming G20 summit in Pittsburgh later this month. Although we here at tRBT believe not only in the First Amendment but also in civil disobedience when necessary, we have to shake our heads at the class acts going bonkers all over the place. We will get to our reasons in a moment.

First, here's the story thus far. In light of recent protests at previous G20 summits, our young Mayor decided to put some limitations on what people can and cannot bring to their respective rage against the machine. Some of the things not allowed are handcuffs, piping, masks and 2x4's. Consequently, every attention whore in the city, the most guilty being veteran protest ham David Meiern of Squirrel Hill, has decided to voice their opinion about how Luke Ravenstahl is trying to limit their rights of free speech and, in one woman's unfortunately mixed-up opinion, abortions (?!).

"Why am I wearing this polar bear mask, you might ask," Mr. Meiern said. "It may be that I want to commit a crime, or it may be that the ice upon which polar bears are depending is melting as we speak."

Not to dignify an asenine comment like that with a response, but we compiled a list of things we are concerned about as well, and it has nothing to do with polar bears - sorry Mr. Meiern. But when you're getting ready to stand outside of a bank or a Starbuck's (where you probably bought a cup of coffee last week) or a Panera bread or wherever the fuck you think a news camera from the station you DVR'ed is, please keep the following in mind:

• Where were you folks, you know, the rest of the time? Suddenly, now that the finance ministers and bank governors from 19 other countries are coming to town you're pissed off about corporations? Why take your anger out on Giant Eagle and PNC Bank now, when as soon as this is over you're going to go back to whatever it is you people do, which most likely is nothing?
• Don't waste carbon dioxide vomiting up idiotic banter about animals that you truly are making no effort to save. In fact, the economic policies of the countries of which you're so pissed off about probably allocate more money to conservation efforts than you save on your water bills by only showering once a week - so get over yourself.
• You are not Che Guevara. You are a guy or a gal on his or her lunch break with a sign. You are not in Palestine; you are in Pittsburgh. Relax, and if you throw something at the cop, he's going to beat you and arrest you, and it's not "the system's" fault - it's yours for being that immature about it.
• Please don't hurt anything too badly in the city, we really really like it. Like a lot.

That is all. Again: we like protesting. We just really hate stupid people.

Thank goodness for Youtube.

I am so bummed I missed this live. What is more uncomfortable than watching Glenn Beck try to suppress tears while talking about how much he loves his country?

The answer: Watching the ladies at "The View" tear him a new asshole. Best part: Whoopi calling him "a lying sack of dog mess."

Traditional marriage = good

Traditional boobies = bad.

This is epically hilarious, and a great lesson in dumb-broadism. Turns out NOM's newest spokeswoman and latest opponent of gay marriage, Carrie Prejean, has no problem with receiving free breast implants at the expense of the pageant. Traditional matrimony I guess trumps traditional anatomy, in Carrie's mind.

MAGGIE RODRIGUEZ, CO-ANCHOR: A question we're going to put to Keith Lewis, the co-director of the Miss California organization, who joins us this morning from Los Angeles. Good morning to you, Mr. Lewis.

KEITH LEWIS, CO-DIRECTOR, MISS CALIFORNIA PAGEANT: Good morning.

RODRIGUEZ: First of all, can you settle this once and for all? Did you pay for or help pay for Miss California's breast implants?

LEWIS: We assisted when Carrie came to us and voiced the interest in having the procedure done, yes.

RODRIGUEZ: Why?

LEWIS: Well, you know, first off, it's not something that we endorse, nor is it something that we suggest. But when we meet with the titleholder when she's crowned Miss California, we put to her a litany of questions about how she feels about herself, what she feels she needs to work on, what she may need to change, what is good, what is not good. We want to put her in the best possible confidence in order to present herself in the best possible light on a national stage.

RODRIGUEZ: Why is the best possible confidence involve getting breast implants? Why does that improve her odds of winning? Why in that meeting don't you discourage her from going that route, rather than help her to pay for breast implants?

LEWIS: Well, we would never encourage her to go that route, but...

Aside from all of the existential questions this forces into the back of one's throat like an impending projectile vomit, one very tangible question first needs to be addressed: Why did it take the media almost an entire week to figure out that these babies were fake, and that this was obviously ironic?

It took my creepy neighbor 30 seconds, and that was only because he was opening a Pabst Blue Ribbon pounder for the first 15.

Next week, we are looking forward to the next fucking hypocrite to come out against gay marriage, so we can ridicule them accordingly.

WTF is going on with Mike Green's Hair?

It's sort of a half mohawk, half bowl cut, half emo thing going on up there. Wait, that's one half too many. Mike Green's hair is Manbearpig.

Maybe he joined AFI, or the band that they ripped off, The Misfits. Whatever it is, it's stupid. And so is his team. He looks like a cross between Channing Tatum and a child molester. Sadly, I don't know which half of that hybrid is more dangerous to society.

This might be a superstitious playoff beard or haircut that was seemingly temporary, but later might have been credited with winning the series. That certainly would explain Jaromir Jagr's Hitler soul patch last year or Syd's straight up peach fuzz.

Either way, bring on the Caps.

Oh yeah, thanks to Seth Rorabaugh and Empty Netters for catching this awful hairdo.