Tuesday, June 30, 2009

A lesson in North Korean photoshopping

If your dictator's health is failing and you're scrounging for pictures to publish that display him in tip-top shape, here are a few guidelines for you to follow to make your picture the most believable:
  • Find a good, reliable neutral background. Mountains, an ocean, a flag or wheat waving in the breeze are pretty standard.
  • If, above your head, there is a banner with a slogan of some sort (like this one), try not to repeat it. This was done by Mao all the time, and everyone in China started realizing that he was a total asshole. We recommend photoshopping a different slogan on the banner, and maybe changing the color.
  • Are there people in the picture you are editing and then recycling? If so, are they all, like, standing there in a line? If so, this is tough to edit. Simply removing a few people at the end of each row will not work; we tried doing that to Jaromir Jagr in the 91-92 team photos the year he left. It just makes the picture look like you cut someone out of it, even if that person had an epic mullet. You should probably move on.
  • Blurring never works the way you want it to. See the Sasquatch photos.
  • More sharks. Add more sharks.
  • Sports-action photos, though tough to recycle in your failing years, are always a good call.
In other words: this is not going to cut it:

Piss poor.

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