Monday, September 21, 2009

Damn book snobbery

For some of us massive friggin' nerds bibliophiles, when a book is not deserving of being high atop any list of sorts and still presides there, we tend to get a little testy. Ask any lit elitist if they've read Twilight (no one realistically should do this) and watch their brains melt. Tell a kid in thick-framed glasses outside the Warhol that you're pumped to crack open your new James Patterson novel and risk getting beaten up by hipster scum (this realistically could never happen).

Now, it is no secret that the intellectuals hate Dan Brown. Stephen Fry, who is one of the classiest men on Earth, called The Da Vinci Code "complete loose-stool water. It is arse gravy of the worst kind." Steinbeck, Chabon, Vonnegut and "short fiction" fans everywhere thought about slitting their wrists whilst hearing their peers and colleagues around the water cooler belligerantly promulgating something like "It's so action packed - and it's filled with real facts and history, but it's written like a book. You learn while you read, and it's great! I never knew Jesus moved to France!"

At this moment, one of you good and faithful stewards of the blog are probably slamming your face into something blunt in reaction to the latest literary shitstorm, The Lost Symbol.

However, If you have read anything by this man and you were entertained albeit slighty turned off by some of the awful writing, you will be pleased to know that you are not alone; The Guardian has made a list of their 20 favorite awful Dan Brown Sentences. Read some of our favorites while we finish a chapter or two of the new one (kidding, of course):

10. The Da Vinci Code, chapter 4: Five months ago, the kaleidoscope of power had been shaken, and Aringarosa was still reeling from the blow.

8. The Da Vinci Code, chapter 3: My French stinks, Langdon thought, but my zodiac iconography is pretty good.

3 and 2. The Da Vinci Code, opening sentence: Renowned curator Jacques Saunière staggered through the vaulted archway of the museum's Grand Gallery.

Angels and Demons, opening sentence: Physicist Leonardo Vetra smelled burning flesh, and he knew it was his own.

19. The Da Vinci Code, chapter 83: "The Knights Templar were warriors," Teabing reminded, the sound of his aluminum crutches echoing in this reverberant space.

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