We're not a sports blog

But man does Sean Burnett hate Pittsburgh. To the Post-Gazette, on his trade along with Nyjer Morgan (another fan favorite) to the Nationals:

"It's funny, but Nyjer and I knew this was going to happen," Burnett said last night from Milwaukee, shortly after hearing that the Pirates continued their trading binge by sending away John Grabow and Tom Gorzelanny. "They're the laughingstock of baseball right now. They've gotten rid of everybody. They won't keep anybody around. Some of the guys here, they don't understand it, but Nyjer and I knew this was coming."

What I keep telling the guys here is that the hardest part is that Pittsburgh, as a sports town, is unbelievable," Burnett said. "With what the Steelers and Penguins have done, they're dying for a winner in baseball, too. They're dying to cheer the Pirates on. And now, they don't have anybody they even know. Guys like Jack and Freddy, the faces of the franchise, players they're supposed to be locking up, they're all gone. What's going to bring people to the ballpark now?"

Agreed, good sir. Agreed. Perhaps your mediocrity on the mound contributed to your own trade, but we agree nonetheless. As for the fans, maybe they'll come for the only real competition left at the ballpark:

Look out Loretta

Today we give you part 2 of Puck the Media's interview with broadcasting legend, Mike Lange.

For those of you who missed the late night post of part 1 and are too damn lazy to scroll down a few posts, you can find the first half here.

Many kudos again to Puck the Media for a terrific interview with Mr. Lange himself.

Stay classy Bobby Clarke

Senior VP and former player for the Philidelphia Flyers Bobby Clarke sat down with Alan Bass of The Hockey News to show just how much he loves the Pittsburgh Penguins. Now to even the most casual of hockey fans, this seems like a very small deal considering the cross-state rivalry between the two hockey clubs is well known. This time though, Bobby took it to a new level.

When speaking of the Flyers, Clarke decided to take a shot at the teams who, unlike Philly, build through the draft.

“We were allowed to spend the money, we always tried to win,” Clarke said. “We didn’t do what Pittsburgh did; lose seven years in a row so they could get good. They did it twice, in fact. They went through six or seven different owners. We’ve had one owner.”

Wow... Congratulations for being able to go out in free agency and overpay make smart personnel decisions, by which I mean plugging in players whose cancerous style meshes well with the team.

You're right Bobby, the Penguins went through some dark years, and they were bad... really bad. But while you are out shopping for the biggest free agents hoping they won't come to town and play like shit after you toss 7 million a year at them, the Penguins are off building through the draft. Surely we are the only team who has gone through this...

“It’s somewhat embarrassing that three of the last teams (in the 2009 playoffs) missed the playoffs six or seven years in a row; Washington, Chicago, and Pittsburgh,” he said. “Now they’re good and the teams that try to win all the time get penalized. Our philosophy has never changed since 1967.”

Ah... correct again, except one thing... I believe Edmonton has the 5th most Stanley Cups and the 5th best winning percentage. Detroit is 3rd in cups and 7th in winning percentage. The Rangers? 6th in cups 12th in winning percentage. All of these teams are constant contenders. Oh, and all of these teams have won at least four cups since the last time the Flyers have had a chance to etch their names on Lord Stanley.

In short... Bobby Clarke you may be a legendary player, but now we know why you lost the GM job after two seasons... you have no goddamn clue what you're talking about.

Oh ya... 1975.

Are you an otter or a sea turtle? Do you own a gun? Are you an American citizen?

If your answer pattern for the questions above went "yes," "no" and then "no," you are responsible for making Glenn Beck's mind bleed:

Best fire that destroyed an 1600's-era Pirate ship replica ever

These are not action shots of the new Pirates of the Carribbean film, which we have been told is going to be titled Redundan-sea. They are pictures of a circa-1650's replica merchant ship from the Dutch East India Company totally engulfed in fire. It was docked in Den Helder, the Netherlands. The cause of the fire is under investigation. Courtesy of BBC's day in pictures:

Of course this chick in the Netherlands has dreds.
Damned pot-smokin' hippies...

RIP Prins Willim. Say hi to Saint Pete in pirate ship Heaven.

Sexy racist times: morning edition

You smell that? That's not your homefries sizzling on the griddle, that's another racist asshole saying something really asinine.

We suspected that this goofy racial issue involving a jumpy, overeager police officer and a confused academic was over when President Barack Obama squashed the beef by setting up a beer date. What started out as a major racial issue was on its way to fizzling out into the "misunderstanding" category, which, for all intents and purposes, it was.

But Boston police officer Justin Barrett's quotes are going to be a little harder to cite a lack of clarity when apologizing. Turns out he likens distinguished Harvard intellectuals who also happen to be Black men to a certain animal from a certain region, and then decided that he wanted to email his thoughts. Didn't we warn racists from doing this in the past? Heed our call, people!

In Barrett's e-mail, which was posted on a Boston television station's Web site, he declared that if he had "been the officer he verbally assaulted like a banana-eating jungle monkey, I would have sprayed him in the face with OC (oleoresin capsicum, or pepper spray) deserving of his belligerent non-compliance."

Makin' great strides, USA. I thought this kind of shit only happened in the South?

Late Night Video Club

Here is a video that was made by some silly girls at Slippery Rock University. So take it to the face and maybe you will laugh. This is probably only funny if you are familiar with SRU. If not, maybe plan a visit and see why this delicious parody was birthed.

I'm at the Rock by Katelyn and Erin

Sports Blog Outsourcing 1.0

We may be a bit behind on some of this news, but back the fuck off...

Tom Barrasso and John LeClair were both inducted into the US Hockey Hall of Fame.
Kudos to both of you along with Frank Zamboni without which we would have nothing to watch in between periods of NHL 93. Tommy B. helped the Pens win 2 Stanley Cups in the early 90's while John LeClair had 58 points over two seasons with the Pens.

Pittsburgh Steelers TE Heath Miller signs 6 year contract extension.
Good call by the Steelers who are facing the daunting task of signing or replacing Casey Hampton, Brett "Diesel" Keisel, Ryan Clark, Willie Parker, Jeff Reed, Willie Colon and Justin Hartwig... Oof. Miller is one of the most underrated tight ends in the league and locking him up long term provides Roethlisberger with a tiny bit more protection for years to come.

Puck the Media grabbed a terrific interview with legendary hockey broadcaster Mike Lange.
We don't care if you love the Pens or hate them... OK maybe we do, but either way you have to admit that Mr. Lange is one of the best in the business.

Mike Florio of Pro Football Talk gets the big middle finger from Steelers Nation.
Florio lists the top 10 reasons the Pittsburgh Steelers will pick up Michael Vick. Jesus fucking christ man... you're main source for an article is a bunch of bookies saying that the Steelers will toss aside Charlie Batch and Dennis Dixon in favor of Michael Vick. Then you go on to weave an intricate web of connections between Vick, Dan Rooney and Omar Epps Mike Tomlin?! I know it is the off season and all, but come on man...

Strike three for Jim Balsillie as the NHL says nay to his offer for the Coyotes.
Gary Bettman and the NHL Board of Governors unanimously voted to reject an offer from Jim Balsille to buy the Phoenix Coyotes and move the team to Hamilton, Ontario. The Board of Governors approved the sale of the struggling team to a group of investors led by Jerry Reinsdorf. The Coyotes have lost money every year since moving to Phoenix, so by all means Mr. Bettman... keep them there and hide behind the Board of Governors... joke.

Pirates trade Freddy Sanchez for a... pitching prospect...
Wait! Don't run away just yet... Tim Alderson, the 22nd overall pick two years ago, was considered the no. 4 prospect in the Giant's system coming into this year. He has posted a 7-2 record and a 3.65 ERA in AA ball this year. Maybe Neal Huntington and co. have some sort of plan... maybe... anyone?

Did the Pirates just do something smart?

Jack Wilson and Ian Snell have just been traded to the Seattle Mariners, in return for first baseman Jeff Clement, shortstop Ronny Cedeno and right-handed pitchers Aaron Pribanic, Brett Lorin and Nathan Adcock.

This is actually a good call. We have been calling for Wilson to be traded for years; yeah, yeah he's a decent defensive shortstop, but he's a classic underachiever at the plate and he has represented the vomit and shame-inducing policies of the Dave Littlefield era of Pittsburgh Baseball. Snell, on the other hand, was a pretty good pitcher. Although he struggled with consistency these last few years, he had some decent stuff; the thing is, he was incredibly volatile in the locker room and was frequently upset with the press. So no real loss there.

With the way Garrett Jones has been playing, Clement might be splitting time with him at first base, but since Jones can always be optioned into the outfield and Clement to catcher, this is actually looking really, really good. Plus, Cedeno is good and is only going to get better.

I can't believe I am saying this, but that was a good trade. Are the dark ages over? Hell no.

This week in unneccessary cultural chaos

Behold! The Arab-Israeli conflict. An anarchic conundrum of irrational people doing irrational things, with reasonable folks hovering around in the background trying to figure out why we can't go a day in Haifa or Gaza without some crazy bastard holding up a burning effigy, a young kid throwing rocks at something stoic to rocks (like tanks) or the Israeli government chucking a rocket at someone. For two decades now, peace agreements have been rescinded, people have been blown from here to the Suez Canal, and the underlying theme of it all is that it is the other guy's fault.

We could go through all of the crazy shit that has gone down and why it has been insane, but that would require us to work take too long. Go read a book or something; Thomas Friedman's From Beirut to Jerusalem actually would be a good start.

But this week, it's Israel's turn to be the assholes.

Israel's ultra-nationalist Foreign Minister Avigdor Lieberman has ordered embassies abroad to use a photo of Adolf Hitler meeting a top Palestinian cleric to counter international criticism over a Jerusalem settlement project, a senior Israeli official said on Wednesday.

The decision to circulate a 1941 photo featuring the Nazi dictator sitting with the then grand mufti of Jerusalem Amin al-Husseini is aimed at easing pressure on Israel over a construction project on land in annexed east Jerusalem once owned by the cleric, the official told AFP.

Thanks, Minister Lieberman. Real fucking cool. Play the Holocaust card as it relates to the people of Palestine, who had no control over Amin al-Husseini's courting of Hitler. It's not their fault the British were completely screwing Palestinians over and that al-Husseini sought an ally, but it is your fault that Palestinians hate you. You're really making great strides toward peace, and are really representing the maturity of your party well. Dick.

Best thing to blame Swine Flu on ever

Getting trashed and trying to operate a vehicle.

Deborah Karen Graham sought clemency for the charge in the southern city of Queenstown (New Zealand), saying the three glasses of wine she had consumed were more potent because she was recovering from the swine flu virus.

I think I blamed SARS for a bottle of whiskey my parents found under my bed in high school, so I actually sympathize with this woman.

Leaving with class

"So how about in honor of the American soldier, you quit making up things. And don't underestimate the wisdom of the people. And one other thing for the media -- our new governor has a very nice family, too, so leave his kids alone." - Sarah Palin

You're right, former guv'na. Naughty naughty media and blogosphere, for finding out your daughter was pregnant and then immediately jizzing our pants because of how fucking funny, ironic and hypocritical it was. That one was our bad.

And what about not underestimating wisdom? Are you referring to spiritual wisdom? Like, the kind your witch-hunting pastor was exercising when he asked God to keep you safe from witches?

And maybe, just maybe, we'll stop making up things. But only if you stop first. Now have fun drifting off into political obscurity, knowing that we were not the ones who drove you to it; it was your own damn fault.

P.S. - Thanks for that one last bullshit, empty-rhetoric-laced patriotic hoo-ha, citing our American soldiers. They're so proud to be referenced by you, I'm sure.

FeEd yOur HeAd

Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland looks unstoppable! Just when Alice Couldn't get any trippier, Mr. Burton takes ahold of it. I'm sure it will meet all my expectations, I just really hope he includes THE JABBERWOCKY. This is probably the most exciting movie trailer I've seen since Where the Wild Things Are... that's going to be incredible as well! So let this twist you're brain up into the stratosphere for a while, and see if you can answer: Who0o0o0o R U???

PS - Don't step on the Mome Raths...

Tangled up in Blues

If you're looking for something to do this weekend and are tired of spending the days in a blurred turmoil of whiskey, wine, beer, cheap cigarettes and shame (we sure as hell aren't), swing on down to Hartwood Acres for the 15th Annual Pittsburgh Blues Festival.

Check out the bands and events at the Blues Festival's website here, or you can go to the PG's fantastic Blues Blog to scope it out. It is a perennial fact that you will find a virtually unknown blues band and become obsessed with them; or maybe that's just me.

Riceboy Sleeps

Somewhere in the deep recesses of tRbT fandom is someone who like this author is a giant fan of Sigur Ros... maybe? No? Well fuck it read on anyway.

From Jónsi Birgisson, singer and guitarist of Icelandic awesomeness Sigur Ros and his partner, artist and musician Alex Somers comes Riceboy Sleeps. This 9 song, 98-minute long side project is pure instrumental bliss. For those of you who feel that music does not always need lyrics to accompany... take a few minutes and at least check out the first song, Happiness.

While Riceboy lacks the lyrics (whether they be Icelandic or Hopelandic) of say njósnavélin (the nothing song) or Sæglópur it makes up for it with Jónsi's ability to make ambient rock masterpieces.

Give it a try and if you haven't yet, go give Sigur Ros a shot... They're no Jonas Brothers I know, but you may end up liking them.

The horse's mouth

"Yeah, right, well if all those socialist democrats want healthcare, tell 'em to go to Canada! See how happy they are about their doctors!"

Those were the words I heard a passerby utter to a friend today as I was buying a pack of gum. Two sentences that were so poorly backed-up, so ridiculously obtuse and credulous that I finally could not withstand the anger and frustration that had been building up for, well, since I learned what socialism actually meant.

"Do you know how Canadians feel about their health care? For all we know they might be okay with it," I said, without the slightest hint of asshole in my tone.

"Do you?" She replied.

And that's when I realized that, albeit my inquiry was not as abrasive, I too had nothing with which to back it up. I genuinely did not know how Canadians felt about their healthcare system at all. It was either quickly call my friend who lives in Canada, or get out of the conversation fast; I chose the latter (read: I'm a huge pussy).

So I checked out a few polls, and found a recent (June), fairly balanced one concerning Canadians and their approval of said healthcare system. And the result? I win.

OTTAWA -- Canadians think their American neighbours would be wise to look north as they grapple with a massive health-care overhaul.

That's the conclusion drawn from a new poll published as Capitol Hill legislators debate a plan to cover nearly all Americans with government-run health insurance.

The Canadian Press Harris-Decima survey suggests 82 per cent of Canadians believe our system is better than U.S. health care.
...
"I think there's a growing sense that going fully private, or having some version of an almost fully private model like the American one, doesn't necessarily serve the broader interest the way Canadians would want it to be served," said Harris-Decima vice-president Jeff Walker.

Well, looks like they're not jumping off of the falls after all, praying that they don't hit a rock and instead get swept away by a current to the friendly shores of Buffalo, where the doctors are abundant, the nurses aplenty and the vicodins delicious. Seems to me like they're, like I said to my new friend, okay with it.

Best picture ever

That goofball underneath the Russian Damsel is none other than Geno Malkin.

When asked about his vacation, Malkin simply responded "Hopped up out the bed, turn my swag on!"

Okay, that part is made up, but what a man.

Late Night Video Club

Green Day - Walking Contradiction
Great song, great band, great video, great album. Also, great concert. And they're in town tonight.

Blog Outsourcing 1.2

Jupiter has been attacked.
NASA has confirmed an Earth-sized hole in the gas giant's atmosphere Monday night. Experts are saying "something large" has struck Jupiter in the last few days, most likely a comet or a block of ice. We're just glad Jupiter is bearing the brunt of all these cosmo-shenanigans, because if that thing came our way we would be needing a ride off of this rock.

Ed Rendell sucks worse than ever.
PA Governor Ed Rendell's job approval rating dropped to the lowest level it's been, according to a statewide poll. Rendell seemed confused when presented with this information, citing that the city of Philadelphia seemed to be quite pleased with him. The closest reporter to the governor began citing Pennsylvania's other 66 or so counties, but the comments were not heard as the governor, donning a Scotty Hartnell wig, began "going at it" with the Philadelphia Phanatic. Without getting too avant-garde with the details, we'll just reveal that a statuette of Rocky and a shellacked cheesesteak from Pat's were used in ways which God had not intended them to be utilized.

It's still really not cool to dress up like a Nazi, even in Romania.
You'd think by now people would figure out that this is not very acceptable anywhere. I'm pretty sure if you dressed like a Nazi in New Guinea that you would be accosted for doing so. But apparently, Romanian Mayor Radu Mazare did not follow the recent example of one of Britain's finest and thew on some 3rd-Reich inspired garbardine. Tom Cruise's role in Valkyrie is what allegedly gave him the idea to don the outfit. Vomit.

If you douse yourself in a flammable liquid, then sequentially get tased, you're probably going to burst into flames.
Pretty self-explanatory. Some crazy Australian bastard doused himself with "petrol" then charged a cop, and apparently the cop didn't hear the Aussie cry "Don't tase me, mate!" If you're a liberal and you get upset about this, go light yourself on fire for the rest of us. Seriously.

Guantanamo is still open.
Apparently the economy, health care reform, heightened tension in Afghanistan and (probably) Michael Jackson's death have preoccupied the folks who were in charge of figuring out what to do with the detainees who are actually dangerous. The innocent ones who were just waterboarded until they confessed are probably pretty bummed, though. Cheney isn't.

Kazaam vs. Big Ben

You thought you were on cloud nine, flaunting your super bowl rings and surviving helmetless motorcycle accidents. But let's see if that O-line you routinely ballyhoo can protect you from a SHAQ ATTACK:

Kazaam. He's comin fo yo ass, Ben.

The showdown of the century is among us; if you ever have looked at Ben Roethlisberger and Shaquille O'Neil and pondered who would be a better quarterback at the helm of a minor league football team, now is your chance to finally live out your wildest fantasies.

As part of his new reality TV show, “The Shaq Show,” basketball star O’Neal will be at Ambridge Area High School’s Moe Rubenstein Stadium from July 22 to 24. The 7-foot-1 center will get a crash course in quarterbacking, working with the Pittsburgh Colts semi-pro team.

The Wednesday and Thursday practices will be closed to the public, said Randy Cosgrove, athletic director for Ambridge Area. But everyone’s invited to Friday’s 6 p.m. showdown, in which O’Neal will take turns with Pittsburgh Steelers star Roethlisberger, seeing who does a better job of running the Colts’ offense. Another semi-pro team might be added, too.

A recent signing with the Cleveland Cavaliers, frequent usage of modern social networking and a TV show. It's like the 90's all over again, with Shaq at the top of his game.