Wednesday, August 12, 2009

No more Turnpike until 2010

That got your attention, huh? Unfortunately, the worthless superhighway that leads straight to Satan's asshole Philadelphia will not be closing any time soon and thus you will be doomed to be stuck between an 18-wheeler and a jagoff in one of those Warner Bros. Chrysler minivans driving 55-mph in the fast lane with Finding Nemo on all four mini-TV's for the rest of your worthless existence in this Commonwealth.

But if you have been to Kennywood in the last, I dunno, eight decades, you may have noticed a ride when you first enter that very seldom had anyone on it; and when it did, that person usually was very old, very young, a very old sexual predator or someone trying to recover from the nausea that was catalyzed by mixing Potato Patch cheese fries and The Enterprise. That ride was the Turnpike, and come Sunday it will be no more. In its place, a brand new steel roller coaster will be built, according to the Post-Gazette. Yes, steel. No rattling, creaking or minor whiplash and spinal cord damages on this baby.

Old people, young people, sexual predators and vomit-swallowers need not be too bummed about the new coaster; Kennywood has stated the Turnpike will be rebuilt somewhere else in the park. Just don't try and buy a pack of smokes from that fake Cogo's, man. They get pissy about that for some reason.

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