There are plants out there that will eat your children

And rodents. Turns out there is this bastard carnivorous plant in the Philippines that is big enough to trap a rat or other small rodents inside and slowly digest it via flesh-eating enzymes. Nepenthes attenboroughii, named after Brit naturalist Sir David Attenborough, is the newest undiscovered species of pitcher plants.

Mmm. Manflesh...

Which brings me to my next question: how long until we finally discover a Sarlacc? Because, if we remember correctly, what that evil plant from Hell mentioned above does to its prey is pretty much exactly what happened to Boba Fett:

"In his belly you will find a new definition of pain and suffering as you are slowly digested over a thousand years."

For now, when vacationing in the Philippines, keep little Timmy within eyeshot. These plants eat people.

Things not to do wasted

Operate a drawbridge.

The tugboat driver told police that he radioed ahead to have the bridge raised, but received no response from the operator. The driver said he then blew his horn and rang a bell when he arrived at the bridge, but still received no response.

Kyes said officers traveled to the bridge for a well-being check and found Robert E. Finn, 49, “in a state of intoxication,” at his monitoring station. Finn, who is an employee of the Boston Department of Public Works, was taken into protective custody and replaced by another bridge operator, Kyes said.

And we thought our DPW here in the 'Burgh was bad; I mean what's a couple tree branches getting sawed off and falling onto my 1989 Volvo station wagon when people are drunkenly forgetting to operate a drawbridge?

Blog Outsourcing 1.4

Usain Bolt can run pretty fast.
Seriously. There were rumors that Steelers had brought him to camp last year and were considering him a wide receiver candidate. As Seth Rorabaugh from Empty Netters would note, fire Dan Rooney.

Tiger Woods is a human being.
Seriously, the guy looked like Happy Gilmore out there, getting some nice drives and then falling apart on the Green. Y.E. Yang (please please please make his first name be Yin...it's not...damn), a Korean golfer who had some success in his country's golf circuit, took the lead after a beautiful chip-in for an eagle. Did I just write about golf? Jesus.

In the healthcare debate, Obama might be wussing out on a public option.
Your move, teabaggers.

FOX news is not the biggest fan of our President.
Or being taken seriously. Our friends at the Huffington Post point out that the "news" organization has duly hit its stride since the election of a Democratic president and a majority in the House and Senate. I have noticed that Sean Hannity's hair has been a little more American ever since November 4th.

Penn State invented a Death Detector.
Zombies be damned! Even you:
Japan takes the Bronze medal for nations exiting their recessions.

Any chance we can get honorable mention?

Mer-MAN, pa. Mer-MAN.

Well, it's technically a mermaid that some Israelis believe they have seen doing a few tricks and then vanishing into the horizon. Get some footage of it and you could be a million bucks richer, according to Israeli officials.

An alleged mermaid, said to resemble a cross between a fish and a young girl, only appears at sunset. It performs a few tricks for onlookers before disappearing for the night.

One of the first people to see the mermaid, Shlomo Cohen, said, "I was with friends when suddenly we saw a woman laying on the sand in a weird way. At first I thought she was just another sunbather, but when we approached she jumped into the water and disappeared. We were all in shock because we saw she had a tail."

Pretty sure Israel is just going for the Nessie strategy and using the reward to bolster tourism, but either way Sam Brownback is legitimately pissed.

Goodbye, and thank you

“I have younger friends who don’t work, and they aren’t doing so well. My secret is to keep going, keep working.”

Les Paul, 1915-2009

Sexy Racist Times: Town Hall Edition

Because nothing says "I am opposed to a government-regulated public option in our health care system" like ripping up a poster of Rosa Parks:



Classy.

Read more here and here.

Put THAT on your crumpets and eat it, bitches

In a move that was pretty much inevitable when the crazy fuckin' redneck mob began storming town hall meetings in hopes of making it on network news, our friends in the Old Empire decided it was time once and for all to give us Yankees what for. Turns out they're a little sick of said crazy people lying about their healthcare.

The criticism, widely covered in the U.K. media, has clearly stung Britain's left-leaning Labour government. The Department of Health took the unusual step of contacting The Associated Press and e-mailing it a three-page rebuttal to what it said were misconceptions about the NHS being bandied about in the U.S. media — each one followed with the words: "Not true."

You tell 'em, Labour. Show them what you've laboured over all these years, and why you should be our favourite. Maybe let them know how good your government programmes are or how nice your soccer, eh, football manoeuvres are. We just don't want to get in an arguement with you. Euro creeps.

Speaking of that godless sodmite abortionist continent of Europe, France and Germany are ahead of the US in ending the recession. And guess what both countries have? Yep; a government option in their national healthcare system.

No more Turnpike until 2010

That got your attention, huh? Unfortunately, the worthless superhighway that leads straight to Satan's asshole Philadelphia will not be closing any time soon and thus you will be doomed to be stuck between an 18-wheeler and a jagoff in one of those Warner Bros. Chrysler minivans driving 55-mph in the fast lane with Finding Nemo on all four mini-TV's for the rest of your worthless existence in this Commonwealth.

But if you have been to Kennywood in the last, I dunno, eight decades, you may have noticed a ride when you first enter that very seldom had anyone on it; and when it did, that person usually was very old, very young, a very old sexual predator or someone trying to recover from the nausea that was catalyzed by mixing Potato Patch cheese fries and The Enterprise. That ride was the Turnpike, and come Sunday it will be no more. In its place, a brand new steel roller coaster will be built, according to the Post-Gazette. Yes, steel. No rattling, creaking or minor whiplash and spinal cord damages on this baby.

Old people, young people, sexual predators and vomit-swallowers need not be too bummed about the new coaster; Kennywood has stated the Turnpike will be rebuilt somewhere else in the park. Just don't try and buy a pack of smokes from that fake Cogo's, man. They get pissy about that for some reason.

FYI

This is happening in your country. This should legitimately give you nightmares.



That's funny that he's using Makeshift Patriot from Sage Francis as his theme song - a song written in the wake of and inspired by the outrageous backlash of faux-patriotism after 9/11.

With videos like this getting 60,000 hits (we of course are not helping by posting it - so add 3 or 4 more to that), it is no surprise that these wackjobs are bringing guns to town hall meetings as of late. Oh yeah, the guy in the link was standing in a church parking lot.

The silver lining of baseball embarrassment

Thank you, DJ Gallo, founder of The Sports Pickle and regular ESPN Page 2 (Monsieur Thompson's old gig) contributor. While fireworks, bobbleheads and overrated, washed-up sellouts fill the stands with an audience doomed to spend another October contemplating just how far the Pirates are from legitimacy, you are sitting in the stands with your rather cultured and intelligent son citing that yes, the Pirates may be devoid of a winning season, however they are also devoid of any steroid accusations and the drama that ensues. And that, along with that last really long sentence, is commendable.

The man actually makes some decent points. Like how the Pirates were in three consecutive pennant races until the steroid era of the 90's began, and then they just stopped winning altogether. You can read the thoroughly entertaining article, written in a Socratic dialogue of sorts, here.

Do you think you're better than John Barbaro?

If so take your shot... NOW!

The Pens are looking for a second Mellon Arena PA announcer. You can now take your shot and work (part-time) next to the legendary voice of Mellon Arena John Barbaro.

Specific duties include, but are not limited to:

• Announce all Penguins pre-season, regular season and playoff home games
• Attend pre-game production meetings and contribute to development of game script
• Create a unique voice/sound for Penguins home games
• Establish signature calls and traditions for Penguins fans
• Develop a connection with Penguins fans to increase their enjoyment of the Penguins experience
• Effectively call specific game details, promotional messages, and fan prompts
• Utilize voice inflection and enthusiasm to increase fan spirit

Think you can fill that role? Do you think that YOU can be the next voice of the Igloo/Sol Center? Fill out the application at the bottom of that site... what is the worst that can happen?

It might also help to take a look at this and learn a bit from the man himself:

Required viewing

Because when the media is too busy covering this stuff, one man is noting how stupid it really is.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Healther Skelter
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Spinal Tap Performance

Vomit

Thank you Empty Netters for finding this.

Every time Tampa Bay Lightning forward Vincent Lecavalier takes .73 of a shot (let's say when he's three quarters of the way done with a shot) on goal, he makes my yearly salary.

Sexy biased times: Morning edition

White House launches health tattle-tale site

It's really hard to lay off of picking on one media outlet when they are this obtuse about their news. When you go to FOX News home, you see the above headline. When you click it, the headline magically changes to White House Launches Web Site to Battle Health Care 'Rumors'.

First off, notice how the word "rumors" is in quotations; like FOX doesn't know that all of the melodramatic absurdities being vomited out of idiotic ultraconservative nutjobs who are being bussed-in to town hall meetings are rumors. To FOX, I guess, the notion that Barack Obama isn't Hitler is just a rumor, not an actual fact.

Furthermore, how asinine do you have to be to call a website that was set up by the federal government to dispel rumors a tattle-tale site? Suddenly the White House is ratting people out when they try and defend themselves from outlandish rumors which, by the way, are being perpetuated by ultraconservative groups and FOX News themselves. It's kind of like the circle of life, really.

Makin' it rain on the North Shore

It just wouldn't be right, grandstanding around the internet pretending that we're king shit blog and touting Rustbelt street cred if we didn't discuss this. Rivers Casino opened up yesterday on Pittsburgh's North Shore, and no one was sentenced to eternal damnation or had spontaneously become addicted to what some people say is "the crack cocaine of casino gambling."

Esther, 76, clearly strung out on crack, gambling and Satan.

Albeit those who enter the casino risk damnation and having their life fall apart in a booze-fueled slot machine rampage, it seems like the first official day went pretty smoothly for our riverside friends. So for now, we'll chalk this up as a solid use of a brownfield site. Now stop reading this blog and go sin down at the Rivers Casino; in fact, when they bring table games to the state, you'll see a few authors of this blog down there.

The easiest thing to get

Click to enlarge:Rob Rogers is the man. And we also like the Post-Gazette, which originally published that cartoon yesterday.

"Buzz...your girlfriend...woof!"

John Hughes

1950-2009

68-31

As the great Kurt Vonnegut used to say, "Hooray for our team!"

Dog days of summer in the 'Burgh

The news is boresville USA if you're not into the healthcare debate or crazy people, and the Pirates are so bad that we just bought a Washington Wild Things jersey. But fret not, fair dwellers of the greatest city in the world (and its diaspora): the Steelers are in training camp and Hockey season is gleaming over the horizon.

In the meantime, stay cool out there yinz guys:

(Thank you Pensblog for your fantastic post on Hockey mascots)

Media Spotlight: America's future according to FOX

We interrupt this awful day in Pittsburgh to bring you exciting news on some of the more useful features our 24-hour mainstream media has to offer you. Today's spotlight is on the always-popular FOX News and their groundbreaking new series of special reports, America's Future! (photo: FNC)

FOX, being smarter and less biased than you, has decided to try the Nostradamus thing out and predict what the future may look like in a nation utterly decimated by universal healthcare, stem cell research and a sound multilateral foreign policy. After a gathering of the minds, they have compiled a list of impending issues that are so monumentally vital that they are going to shake the very foundations of our great sovereign nation. FOX on the future:

Islam in America!
Clearly the number one issue in the States is the fact that not everyone is a Christian; in fact, Muslims are showing up everywhere these days, and FOX has noticed. Excerpts from their report:

• Rise of Islam in some European cities
• Strict set of Muslim precepts is finding its way into American everyday life
• Are inhabitants of a tiny Islamic outpost in N.Y. jihadists in training or are they peacefully practicing their religion?"

Textbooks!
You can't have a future without children; but what are we going to teach them? Should we really be clouding their young innocent minds with science, history, literature and the truth? And more importantly:

• Are school textbooks portraying accurate picture of Islam?
• Critics calling for changes in way schools handle sex education.

Very good; I see your impending plague of tolerance when teaching kids about other religions, and I raise you a condom. Solid.

Water?
WTF FOX?! I was with you through those first two critical issues, but water? How water made the list is beyond me. I'll let them explain:

• Tensions rise between advocates of alternative energy and conservationists
• Questioning hydroelectric power in America
• Some experts say it will take a huge amount of money to fix U.S. water infrastructure
• New campaign promotes tap water over bottled water

Well folks, we hope you enjoyed our little gaze into the crystal ball together this afternoon. One has to thank FOX for finally shining the light on this relatively murky and dismal future, filled with religious pluralism, education through actual facts and practices and...water? I still don't get the water thing. Either way, God be with us all. United we can make it through this post-apocalyptic nightmare.

Dear crazy fucking lunatics:

Stop shooting people. Just cut it out; we're all over it.

We're probably going to drop kick the first person we see dahntahn today vomiting words up about responsible gun owners and the Second Amendment and how Madison and Jefferson used to write letters to each other about how sexually excited they got over the thought of Jesus holding an AR-15. We know it's coming; it always does.

But we would just like to remind said word vomiters that the Constitution of the United States does not grant you permission to become John Rambo:

And that's all I have to say about this Godforsaken mess.

It only took you three months to find out a degree doesn't mean shit?

You really have to admire someone like Trina Thompson, 27, of New York City. Trina, along with the rest of us, went off to college with the dire hopes of becoming an architect, nurse, or something where she just has to show up at an office and facebook creep for eight hours.

So our beloved heroine Trina sets off from college, equipped with a fancifully-printed piece of paper claiming that the last four years of her life were actually worth a damn. Aside from her newly-acquired skills of making pot brownies, excellent proportioning of water and powdery cheese in Easy Mac and beer shotgunning with one hand still clutching a Marlboro Menthol Light, Trina thinks she's got what it takes to get a job during a depression. We all did, right?

But here's the kicker; she quit after three months, and now she wants to sue her college for not getting her a job.

As Thompson sees it, any reasonable employer would pounce on an applicant with her academic credentials, which include a 2.7 grade-point average and a solid attendance record. But Monroe's career-services department has put forth insufficient effort to help her secure employment, she claims.

"They're supposed to say, 'I got this student, her attendance is good, her GPA is all right -- can you interview this person?' They're not doing that," she said.

Aside from the obvious quip one can make regarding the guarantee a 2.7 GPA gets you, the idea that a college is going to bend over backwards after you blindly chucked tens of thousands of dollars at them is pretty bullshit. Furthermore, she quit after three months. I don't think any of the authors of this blog had even sobered up three months out of college.

300... Part Deux

While viewing Watchmen, a terrific albeit slightly different theatrical version of Alan Moore's genius work, I began wondering where I had seen young Rorschach before. Then it dawned on me... young King Leonidas had been re-cast in Zack Snyder's other graphic novel turned blockbuster. I guess being the son of the director has its perks after all.

While searching for the young man playing Rorschach I stumbled across something very interesting... Apparently 300 will have a sequel of sorts. Details are few and far between at this point, but one thing is for certain, the master behind it all, Mr. Frank Miller, has already finished a draft of his next Spartan blood bath.

The question is... what happens next? Will he continue on with the Battle of Thermopylae and the other events that unfolded? More updates to come as we stumble across them.

G20 Update: Pittsburgh sites getting some serious Obama-lovin'

Picture this: Guido Mantega drunkenly pimp strutting around Phipps conservatory, commenting on the frangipanis and sipping on white wine. He walks over to a corner and watches Christine Lagarde and Pranab Mukhergee fall in love under the orchids. He cries a tear of Brazilian passion.

Fast forward to the Warhol; the usual hipsters that stand outside smoking cigarettes and talking about existentialism come face-to-face with our First Lady, who cares not for tight pants and The Shins. She orders them all to be tased (victory!) and promply goes to set up her luncheon.

I'm not going to comment on the fact that kids from CAPA will be perfoming for the G20 delegation, because everyone grew up with a CAPA kid in the neighborhood and we all remember how we treated them.

Death by vortex

It makes sense that those redcoats are ripping off our sexy Discovery Channel shows (nevermind that the glorious Planet Earth and Man vs. Wild series were both first produced in the UK), this time taking on Myth-busting in the form of seeing if "theories" are true.

All I see is a goofy British man, though; where's hot ass Kari?

Behold, science:


Speaking of science, you know what week it is, right?

Another Reason to Never Go on a Cruise

CAUTION: The following is a vulgar display of environmentalism. If you are a member of the republican party, a travel agent, a homosexual who just can't live without an annual Gay Cruise, or anyone who would probably support the death of endangered species and loves cruises... you should turn your fragile minds away now!

I have been completely against cruises for a while now and this right here confirmed my convictions:

READ THIS... cuz I am not just gonna hand you over the details... you have to do a little fucking work sometimes too, you voyeur creeps! (BTW, thanks for reading the blog though!!)

Now I'm sure one of you uptight sour-pussy's is gonna get all pissed off and feel the need to state out loud how it clearly says that they don't know that the boat struck the whale and killed it, or if it was already dead pre-strike. So let me just get it out of the way that i don't fucking care either way. It's still disgusting. So save you're breath... or get your own blog and bitch about it there!

Now lets say it was the first option and the whale was just chillaxin out in the ocean being a badass whale and catching some food. He then decides to go up for a spectacular display of whaleism with a breach and just as he gains enough speed to make the most miraculous leap through the surface into the spotlight, BANG! fucking lights out cuz the Sapphire Princess just gave him the worlds deadliest facefuck! Now if you don't see the problem here... well then you're a stupid ass waste of human life!

So option two, Our magnificent friend, the Fin Whale, has died a Noble death like the whale kings of yore, and he is floating around doing his part in the circle of life. All is well until along comes the Sapphire Princess and she grabs hold of King Finius (i just named him) and drags him to port! Disgusting... desecration of the dead.... that's my stance, deal with it!

Here are some other problems with Cruise's (Do you're own research!) :

~ They use ballast water which contributes to
~ Invasive species
~ Dumping of blackwater and graywater which contributes to
~ Ocean pollution
~ Eutrophication
~ Anoxic zones
~ Bildge Water leaks
~ Solid waste (mostly garbage)
~ Air pollution
~ The Plowing over of ocean dwelling species which is just repulsive.

So please join in my boycott of all cruises... or you can continue to just stand for nothing.

We're not a sports blog

But man does Sean Burnett hate Pittsburgh. To the Post-Gazette, on his trade along with Nyjer Morgan (another fan favorite) to the Nationals:

"It's funny, but Nyjer and I knew this was going to happen," Burnett said last night from Milwaukee, shortly after hearing that the Pirates continued their trading binge by sending away John Grabow and Tom Gorzelanny. "They're the laughingstock of baseball right now. They've gotten rid of everybody. They won't keep anybody around. Some of the guys here, they don't understand it, but Nyjer and I knew this was coming."

What I keep telling the guys here is that the hardest part is that Pittsburgh, as a sports town, is unbelievable," Burnett said. "With what the Steelers and Penguins have done, they're dying for a winner in baseball, too. They're dying to cheer the Pirates on. And now, they don't have anybody they even know. Guys like Jack and Freddy, the faces of the franchise, players they're supposed to be locking up, they're all gone. What's going to bring people to the ballpark now?"

Agreed, good sir. Agreed. Perhaps your mediocrity on the mound contributed to your own trade, but we agree nonetheless. As for the fans, maybe they'll come for the only real competition left at the ballpark:

Look out Loretta

Today we give you part 2 of Puck the Media's interview with broadcasting legend, Mike Lange.

For those of you who missed the late night post of part 1 and are too damn lazy to scroll down a few posts, you can find the first half here.

Many kudos again to Puck the Media for a terrific interview with Mr. Lange himself.

Stay classy Bobby Clarke

Senior VP and former player for the Philidelphia Flyers Bobby Clarke sat down with Alan Bass of The Hockey News to show just how much he loves the Pittsburgh Penguins. Now to even the most casual of hockey fans, this seems like a very small deal considering the cross-state rivalry between the two hockey clubs is well known. This time though, Bobby took it to a new level.

When speaking of the Flyers, Clarke decided to take a shot at the teams who, unlike Philly, build through the draft.

“We were allowed to spend the money, we always tried to win,” Clarke said. “We didn’t do what Pittsburgh did; lose seven years in a row so they could get good. They did it twice, in fact. They went through six or seven different owners. We’ve had one owner.”

Wow... Congratulations for being able to go out in free agency and overpay make smart personnel decisions, by which I mean plugging in players whose cancerous style meshes well with the team.

You're right Bobby, the Penguins went through some dark years, and they were bad... really bad. But while you are out shopping for the biggest free agents hoping they won't come to town and play like shit after you toss 7 million a year at them, the Penguins are off building through the draft. Surely we are the only team who has gone through this...

“It’s somewhat embarrassing that three of the last teams (in the 2009 playoffs) missed the playoffs six or seven years in a row; Washington, Chicago, and Pittsburgh,” he said. “Now they’re good and the teams that try to win all the time get penalized. Our philosophy has never changed since 1967.”

Ah... correct again, except one thing... I believe Edmonton has the 5th most Stanley Cups and the 5th best winning percentage. Detroit is 3rd in cups and 7th in winning percentage. The Rangers? 6th in cups 12th in winning percentage. All of these teams are constant contenders. Oh, and all of these teams have won at least four cups since the last time the Flyers have had a chance to etch their names on Lord Stanley.

In short... Bobby Clarke you may be a legendary player, but now we know why you lost the GM job after two seasons... you have no goddamn clue what you're talking about.

Oh ya... 1975.

Are you an otter or a sea turtle? Do you own a gun? Are you an American citizen?

If your answer pattern for the questions above went "yes," "no" and then "no," you are responsible for making Glenn Beck's mind bleed:

Best fire that destroyed an 1600's-era Pirate ship replica ever

These are not action shots of the new Pirates of the Carribbean film, which we have been told is going to be titled Redundan-sea. They are pictures of a circa-1650's replica merchant ship from the Dutch East India Company totally engulfed in fire. It was docked in Den Helder, the Netherlands. The cause of the fire is under investigation. Courtesy of BBC's day in pictures:

Of course this chick in the Netherlands has dreds.
Damned pot-smokin' hippies...

RIP Prins Willim. Say hi to Saint Pete in pirate ship Heaven.

Sexy racist times: morning edition

You smell that? That's not your homefries sizzling on the griddle, that's another racist asshole saying something really asinine.

We suspected that this goofy racial issue involving a jumpy, overeager police officer and a confused academic was over when President Barack Obama squashed the beef by setting up a beer date. What started out as a major racial issue was on its way to fizzling out into the "misunderstanding" category, which, for all intents and purposes, it was.

But Boston police officer Justin Barrett's quotes are going to be a little harder to cite a lack of clarity when apologizing. Turns out he likens distinguished Harvard intellectuals who also happen to be Black men to a certain animal from a certain region, and then decided that he wanted to email his thoughts. Didn't we warn racists from doing this in the past? Heed our call, people!

In Barrett's e-mail, which was posted on a Boston television station's Web site, he declared that if he had "been the officer he verbally assaulted like a banana-eating jungle monkey, I would have sprayed him in the face with OC (oleoresin capsicum, or pepper spray) deserving of his belligerent non-compliance."

Makin' great strides, USA. I thought this kind of shit only happened in the South?

Late Night Video Club

Here is a video that was made by some silly girls at Slippery Rock University. So take it to the face and maybe you will laugh. This is probably only funny if you are familiar with SRU. If not, maybe plan a visit and see why this delicious parody was birthed.

I'm at the Rock by Katelyn and Erin

Sports Blog Outsourcing 1.0

We may be a bit behind on some of this news, but back the fuck off...

Tom Barrasso and John LeClair were both inducted into the US Hockey Hall of Fame.
Kudos to both of you along with Frank Zamboni without which we would have nothing to watch in between periods of NHL 93. Tommy B. helped the Pens win 2 Stanley Cups in the early 90's while John LeClair had 58 points over two seasons with the Pens.

Pittsburgh Steelers TE Heath Miller signs 6 year contract extension.
Good call by the Steelers who are facing the daunting task of signing or replacing Casey Hampton, Brett "Diesel" Keisel, Ryan Clark, Willie Parker, Jeff Reed, Willie Colon and Justin Hartwig... Oof. Miller is one of the most underrated tight ends in the league and locking him up long term provides Roethlisberger with a tiny bit more protection for years to come.

Puck the Media grabbed a terrific interview with legendary hockey broadcaster Mike Lange.
We don't care if you love the Pens or hate them... OK maybe we do, but either way you have to admit that Mr. Lange is one of the best in the business.

Mike Florio of Pro Football Talk gets the big middle finger from Steelers Nation.
Florio lists the top 10 reasons the Pittsburgh Steelers will pick up Michael Vick. Jesus fucking christ man... you're main source for an article is a bunch of bookies saying that the Steelers will toss aside Charlie Batch and Dennis Dixon in favor of Michael Vick. Then you go on to weave an intricate web of connections between Vick, Dan Rooney and Omar Epps Mike Tomlin?! I know it is the off season and all, but come on man...

Strike three for Jim Balsillie as the NHL says nay to his offer for the Coyotes.
Gary Bettman and the NHL Board of Governors unanimously voted to reject an offer from Jim Balsille to buy the Phoenix Coyotes and move the team to Hamilton, Ontario. The Board of Governors approved the sale of the struggling team to a group of investors led by Jerry Reinsdorf. The Coyotes have lost money every year since moving to Phoenix, so by all means Mr. Bettman... keep them there and hide behind the Board of Governors... joke.

Pirates trade Freddy Sanchez for a... pitching prospect...
Wait! Don't run away just yet... Tim Alderson, the 22nd overall pick two years ago, was considered the no. 4 prospect in the Giant's system coming into this year. He has posted a 7-2 record and a 3.65 ERA in AA ball this year. Maybe Neal Huntington and co. have some sort of plan... maybe... anyone?

Did the Pirates just do something smart?

Jack Wilson and Ian Snell have just been traded to the Seattle Mariners, in return for first baseman Jeff Clement, shortstop Ronny Cedeno and right-handed pitchers Aaron Pribanic, Brett Lorin and Nathan Adcock.

This is actually a good call. We have been calling for Wilson to be traded for years; yeah, yeah he's a decent defensive shortstop, but he's a classic underachiever at the plate and he has represented the vomit and shame-inducing policies of the Dave Littlefield era of Pittsburgh Baseball. Snell, on the other hand, was a pretty good pitcher. Although he struggled with consistency these last few years, he had some decent stuff; the thing is, he was incredibly volatile in the locker room and was frequently upset with the press. So no real loss there.

With the way Garrett Jones has been playing, Clement might be splitting time with him at first base, but since Jones can always be optioned into the outfield and Clement to catcher, this is actually looking really, really good. Plus, Cedeno is good and is only going to get better.

I can't believe I am saying this, but that was a good trade. Are the dark ages over? Hell no.

This week in unneccessary cultural chaos

Behold! The Arab-Israeli conflict. An anarchic conundrum of irrational people doing irrational things, with reasonable folks hovering around in the background trying to figure out why we can't go a day in Haifa or Gaza without some crazy bastard holding up a burning effigy, a young kid throwing rocks at something stoic to rocks (like tanks) or the Israeli government chucking a rocket at someone. For two decades now, peace agreements have been rescinded, people have been blown from here to the Suez Canal, and the underlying theme of it all is that it is the other guy's fault.

We could go through all of the crazy shit that has gone down and why it has been insane, but that would require us to work take too long. Go read a book or something; Thomas Friedman's From Beirut to Jerusalem actually would be a good start.

But this week, it's Israel's turn to be the assholes.

Israel's ultra-nationalist Foreign Minister Avigdor Lieberman has ordered embassies abroad to use a photo of Adolf Hitler meeting a top Palestinian cleric to counter international criticism over a Jerusalem settlement project, a senior Israeli official said on Wednesday.

The decision to circulate a 1941 photo featuring the Nazi dictator sitting with the then grand mufti of Jerusalem Amin al-Husseini is aimed at easing pressure on Israel over a construction project on land in annexed east Jerusalem once owned by the cleric, the official told AFP.

Thanks, Minister Lieberman. Real fucking cool. Play the Holocaust card as it relates to the people of Palestine, who had no control over Amin al-Husseini's courting of Hitler. It's not their fault the British were completely screwing Palestinians over and that al-Husseini sought an ally, but it is your fault that Palestinians hate you. You're really making great strides toward peace, and are really representing the maturity of your party well. Dick.

Best thing to blame Swine Flu on ever

Getting trashed and trying to operate a vehicle.

Deborah Karen Graham sought clemency for the charge in the southern city of Queenstown (New Zealand), saying the three glasses of wine she had consumed were more potent because she was recovering from the swine flu virus.

I think I blamed SARS for a bottle of whiskey my parents found under my bed in high school, so I actually sympathize with this woman.

Leaving with class

"So how about in honor of the American soldier, you quit making up things. And don't underestimate the wisdom of the people. And one other thing for the media -- our new governor has a very nice family, too, so leave his kids alone." - Sarah Palin

You're right, former guv'na. Naughty naughty media and blogosphere, for finding out your daughter was pregnant and then immediately jizzing our pants because of how fucking funny, ironic and hypocritical it was. That one was our bad.

And what about not underestimating wisdom? Are you referring to spiritual wisdom? Like, the kind your witch-hunting pastor was exercising when he asked God to keep you safe from witches?

And maybe, just maybe, we'll stop making up things. But only if you stop first. Now have fun drifting off into political obscurity, knowing that we were not the ones who drove you to it; it was your own damn fault.

P.S. - Thanks for that one last bullshit, empty-rhetoric-laced patriotic hoo-ha, citing our American soldiers. They're so proud to be referenced by you, I'm sure.

FeEd yOur HeAd

Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland looks unstoppable! Just when Alice Couldn't get any trippier, Mr. Burton takes ahold of it. I'm sure it will meet all my expectations, I just really hope he includes THE JABBERWOCKY. This is probably the most exciting movie trailer I've seen since Where the Wild Things Are... that's going to be incredible as well! So let this twist you're brain up into the stratosphere for a while, and see if you can answer: Who0o0o0o R U???

PS - Don't step on the Mome Raths...

Tangled up in Blues

If you're looking for something to do this weekend and are tired of spending the days in a blurred turmoil of whiskey, wine, beer, cheap cigarettes and shame (we sure as hell aren't), swing on down to Hartwood Acres for the 15th Annual Pittsburgh Blues Festival.

Check out the bands and events at the Blues Festival's website here, or you can go to the PG's fantastic Blues Blog to scope it out. It is a perennial fact that you will find a virtually unknown blues band and become obsessed with them; or maybe that's just me.

Riceboy Sleeps

Somewhere in the deep recesses of tRbT fandom is someone who like this author is a giant fan of Sigur Ros... maybe? No? Well fuck it read on anyway.

From Jónsi Birgisson, singer and guitarist of Icelandic awesomeness Sigur Ros and his partner, artist and musician Alex Somers comes Riceboy Sleeps. This 9 song, 98-minute long side project is pure instrumental bliss. For those of you who feel that music does not always need lyrics to accompany... take a few minutes and at least check out the first song, Happiness.

While Riceboy lacks the lyrics (whether they be Icelandic or Hopelandic) of say njósnavélin (the nothing song) or Sæglópur it makes up for it with Jónsi's ability to make ambient rock masterpieces.

Give it a try and if you haven't yet, go give Sigur Ros a shot... They're no Jonas Brothers I know, but you may end up liking them.

The horse's mouth

"Yeah, right, well if all those socialist democrats want healthcare, tell 'em to go to Canada! See how happy they are about their doctors!"

Those were the words I heard a passerby utter to a friend today as I was buying a pack of gum. Two sentences that were so poorly backed-up, so ridiculously obtuse and credulous that I finally could not withstand the anger and frustration that had been building up for, well, since I learned what socialism actually meant.

"Do you know how Canadians feel about their health care? For all we know they might be okay with it," I said, without the slightest hint of asshole in my tone.

"Do you?" She replied.

And that's when I realized that, albeit my inquiry was not as abrasive, I too had nothing with which to back it up. I genuinely did not know how Canadians felt about their healthcare system at all. It was either quickly call my friend who lives in Canada, or get out of the conversation fast; I chose the latter (read: I'm a huge pussy).

So I checked out a few polls, and found a recent (June), fairly balanced one concerning Canadians and their approval of said healthcare system. And the result? I win.

OTTAWA -- Canadians think their American neighbours would be wise to look north as they grapple with a massive health-care overhaul.

That's the conclusion drawn from a new poll published as Capitol Hill legislators debate a plan to cover nearly all Americans with government-run health insurance.

The Canadian Press Harris-Decima survey suggests 82 per cent of Canadians believe our system is better than U.S. health care.
...
"I think there's a growing sense that going fully private, or having some version of an almost fully private model like the American one, doesn't necessarily serve the broader interest the way Canadians would want it to be served," said Harris-Decima vice-president Jeff Walker.

Well, looks like they're not jumping off of the falls after all, praying that they don't hit a rock and instead get swept away by a current to the friendly shores of Buffalo, where the doctors are abundant, the nurses aplenty and the vicodins delicious. Seems to me like they're, like I said to my new friend, okay with it.

Best picture ever

That goofball underneath the Russian Damsel is none other than Geno Malkin.

When asked about his vacation, Malkin simply responded "Hopped up out the bed, turn my swag on!"

Okay, that part is made up, but what a man.

Late Night Video Club

Green Day - Walking Contradiction
Great song, great band, great video, great album. Also, great concert. And they're in town tonight.

Blog Outsourcing 1.2

Jupiter has been attacked.
NASA has confirmed an Earth-sized hole in the gas giant's atmosphere Monday night. Experts are saying "something large" has struck Jupiter in the last few days, most likely a comet or a block of ice. We're just glad Jupiter is bearing the brunt of all these cosmo-shenanigans, because if that thing came our way we would be needing a ride off of this rock.

Ed Rendell sucks worse than ever.
PA Governor Ed Rendell's job approval rating dropped to the lowest level it's been, according to a statewide poll. Rendell seemed confused when presented with this information, citing that the city of Philadelphia seemed to be quite pleased with him. The closest reporter to the governor began citing Pennsylvania's other 66 or so counties, but the comments were not heard as the governor, donning a Scotty Hartnell wig, began "going at it" with the Philadelphia Phanatic. Without getting too avant-garde with the details, we'll just reveal that a statuette of Rocky and a shellacked cheesesteak from Pat's were used in ways which God had not intended them to be utilized.

It's still really not cool to dress up like a Nazi, even in Romania.
You'd think by now people would figure out that this is not very acceptable anywhere. I'm pretty sure if you dressed like a Nazi in New Guinea that you would be accosted for doing so. But apparently, Romanian Mayor Radu Mazare did not follow the recent example of one of Britain's finest and thew on some 3rd-Reich inspired garbardine. Tom Cruise's role in Valkyrie is what allegedly gave him the idea to don the outfit. Vomit.

If you douse yourself in a flammable liquid, then sequentially get tased, you're probably going to burst into flames.
Pretty self-explanatory. Some crazy Australian bastard doused himself with "petrol" then charged a cop, and apparently the cop didn't hear the Aussie cry "Don't tase me, mate!" If you're a liberal and you get upset about this, go light yourself on fire for the rest of us. Seriously.

Guantanamo is still open.
Apparently the economy, health care reform, heightened tension in Afghanistan and (probably) Michael Jackson's death have preoccupied the folks who were in charge of figuring out what to do with the detainees who are actually dangerous. The innocent ones who were just waterboarded until they confessed are probably pretty bummed, though. Cheney isn't.

Kazaam vs. Big Ben

You thought you were on cloud nine, flaunting your super bowl rings and surviving helmetless motorcycle accidents. But let's see if that O-line you routinely ballyhoo can protect you from a SHAQ ATTACK:

Kazaam. He's comin fo yo ass, Ben.

The showdown of the century is among us; if you ever have looked at Ben Roethlisberger and Shaquille O'Neil and pondered who would be a better quarterback at the helm of a minor league football team, now is your chance to finally live out your wildest fantasies.

As part of his new reality TV show, “The Shaq Show,” basketball star O’Neal will be at Ambridge Area High School’s Moe Rubenstein Stadium from July 22 to 24. The 7-foot-1 center will get a crash course in quarterbacking, working with the Pittsburgh Colts semi-pro team.

The Wednesday and Thursday practices will be closed to the public, said Randy Cosgrove, athletic director for Ambridge Area. But everyone’s invited to Friday’s 6 p.m. showdown, in which O’Neal will take turns with Pittsburgh Steelers star Roethlisberger, seeing who does a better job of running the Colts’ offense. Another semi-pro team might be added, too.

A recent signing with the Cleveland Cavaliers, frequent usage of modern social networking and a TV show. It's like the 90's all over again, with Shaq at the top of his game.

Best Headline Ever 1.1: Greensburg Edition

Man with syringe, claiming he has HIV, robs businesses.

Step aside, Capone and Luciano, this criminal mastermind is coming to a Sunoco A-Plus or a Motel 3 near you:

State police in Greensburg are looking for a man who robbed a motel and a gas station while wielding a syringe and claiming to be infected with HIV, the virus that causes AIDS.

Only in Hempfield township. Legendary place.

Another one bites the dust

Why are so many famous people dying this summer? Next on the chopping block is legendary news anchor Walter Cronkite, 92. Like Robert MacNamara before him, at least Walt was old and wasn't surrounded by scandals involving the molestation of children, or shot/stabbed by a girlfriend. I don't think we can handle one more of those.

Our only question is, who's going to do the voice of the Owl at the Bohemian Club now?

Cronkite the owl, just before Nixon and Reagan made someone
burst into righteous flames with Scalia silently observing

RIP, Walter. Thank you for the many years of narrating the most tumultuous times our country had seen. May you give Saint Pete the news story of the ages up there, big guy.

It's a Great Day for Hockey 3.0

It seems the Pens have gone and updated their It's a Great Day for Hockey montage for the playoffs/ownage of the cup... yes The Clarks are still playing in the background.

Enjoy.

Closest shave since Britney Spears

This was taken during a demonstration preceding a boat race on the Detroit River during Chrystler's annual APBA Gold Cup. In the photograph is one of the last people left in the city of Detroit after a mass exodus to upstate Michigan, where the entire city is now sloshed and listening to Kid Rock.

Note to self: do not screw around with the US Navy.

Do ya know what we need, man? Some rope.

10 years removed from the original it seems that Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day will be gracing us soon, and to tease those of us aching for a sequel just a bit more comes this.

Sony Pictures has announced the details of The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day panel at 2009 San Diego Comic Con International. The trailer for the much anticipated sequel to the 1999 cult classic film The Boondock Saints will premiere during the panel on Saturday, July 25th at 3:30pm.

Sweet baby Jesus yes! Hopefully this film breaks the curse of almost every goddamn sequel sucking balls and Troy Duffy and Co. can re-produce the magic of the first. IMBD has the release date for the sequel as November 1, 2009.

In honor we give you this deleted scene from the first movie... fucking genius...

"...until we're all shitting rainbows!" - Adolf Hitler

What with this whole Sotomayor confirmation thing going on, this whole Iran fiasco still happening and our economy dropping faster than an athlete with a crazy young girlfriend, it is amazing that there is still shit to report on Michael Jackson. The latest? Footage of Adolf Hitler's reaction to the tragedy.



The best part is at 2:54, when a woman is crying because of Hitler's comment that "The Cleveland Show" is not going to be any good because Cleveland is not even the funniest character on Family Guy. Genius.

G20 Update

Be very, very afraid. Pittsburgh Police begin training for G20 protests. At Brashear High School, no less.

Lesson 1: How to resist a steak & egg Primani sammitch from now until September

Sam Brownback says fuck you Pan!

You little human-goat-thing. Nobody likes you!

This is what happens when you have a group of crazies who are no longer in the majority that are so far to the right that they don't even want to tell people they are in the Senate anymore, and they're getting bored. They start writing legislation, and the legislation starts getting pretty friggin' weird.

Take Sammy's last little gem he authored on Friday: the Human-Animal Prohibition Act of 2009. This legal masterpiece prevents science from creating some kind of human-animal hybrid; so if you're a mermaid and you're reading this right now, you are illegal. Piss off.

Okay, now that we are merpeople-free, let's continue. From Sam's blog comes some sort of explanation:

This legislation works to ensure that our society recognizes the dignity and sacredness of human life. Creating human-animal hybrids, which permanently alter the genetic makeup of an organism, will challenge the very definition of what it means to be human and is a violation of human dignity and a grave injustice.

My background is in agriculture, and for a number of years we have been working with crops and animals to produce a superior soy bean, a superior cow, and so-on. We can genetically engineer safe products and herds that are disease resistant or that possess more desirable attributes. But doing this in plants and livestock is very different than doing this in humans.

Damn. Well, looks like creating Ender-like beings are off the table. Son of a bitch!

What an unbelievable asshole

As if people don't have enough to be pissed off at Ed Rendell about lately, he goes and says the dumbest shit on Earth last Friday.

Even though the clock is ticking for Pennsylvania's 77,000 state workers - their next two paychecks are going to be partial, after which paychecks will be withheld - Rendell still thinks that he's the good guy here.

"Most of those state workers -- I've arranged for them to get a $15,000 loan with no interest, so if they're paying off $6,000 worth of credit debt at 14 percent, they should put a statue of me up on their mantel place," Rendell said.

Yeah, good idea Eddie. They should commemorate you for squandering their salaries and then forcing them to take out a loan in which they will be paying a low interest rate on. A loan, not a paycheck, a loan that has to be paid back. That makes a lot of fucking sense.

**UPDATE**
Apparently Ed also forgot that some of the fine folks that work for the state might not qualify for said loans. Brilliant!

What would happen if T-Pain and the media had sex

Thank you Auto-Tune the News for this brilliant masterpiece.

Ever wonder what crazy bitch Michelle Bachmann would sound if she was spewing her idiotic conservative separationist rhetoric over a sick nasty beat? Now you know.

Late Night Video Club

Pearl Jam - Do The Evolution @ Yahoo! Video

This took way longer than it probably should have...yay for still owning a PC, right! Well I happen to be up and thinking of amazing things, so I posted this video for your faces to be rocked by. An absolutely amazing video and song... although I do prefer that all my Pearl Jam come in a live format (maybe a video of a live performance for my next installment to the Late Night Video Club).

Holy shit people read this!?!?!

Today marks the 500th visit of our fair blog by citizens around the world. How we got here, god only knows but we're damn proud that people would take time out of their day to actually check in on our moronic rantings about sports, politics and our inability to make contact with the opposite sex.

Our pathetic lives aside, we have hit a landmark in the history our of young blog. Beyond 500 visits, we've had 1,158 page views and 133 posts. When this blog began on April 21st at 7:13pm, none of us thought it would become anything like it has, but rest assured that we will continue this as long as we are bored at work/school/home. None of us knew that we would become marginally popular, or that a I'm Feeling Lucky search on Google of "rustbelt" would bring you straight to our page (don't believe us... try it).

All the fancy numbers aside, we want to take a moment to thank our audience, because without you, well we'd be talking to ourselves. The following cities/states/countries have at one point or another stopped in to say hello to our fair blog:

The entire Western PA area... thank you to all our friends who put up with these lame ideas.
Tel Aviv, Israel
Mont-Laurier, Quebec
Hanover, Niedersachsen (Germany)
Ottawa, Ontario
Sao Paulo, Brazil
London, England
Lake Mary, Flordia
Central City, Kentucky
Dallas, Texas
Jessup, Maryland
Piscataway, New Jersey
Boyds, Maryland
Minneapolis, Minnesota
And so many others that we didn't bother to write down before Sitemeter got rid of them.

Thank you all,

- The Rustbelt Tramp -

Buccos lookin ahead...and across the border..

I could not find an official release on the Pirates Website. But this was on their official Facebook page in my news feed. Half the things that are on the Facebook never show up on the official site (surprise surprise with the pirates...)

Anyways here is what it said. feast your early afternoon lunch break eyes on this...

The Pirates have announced the signings of six international free agents. Here's the list, with a brief comment from Director of Latin American Scouting Rene Gayo about each player.

• OF Pedro Lara, 16, Dominican Republic: "Pedro has a medium frame with an athletic build -- similar to a young Moises Alou. He is also agressive and competitve on the field and profiles to be an above-average hitter with power potential. He has speed on the bases and exhibits the instincts, athleticism and arm to be a special player in the outfield."


• 3B Roberson Valdez, 16, Dominican Republic: "Roberson has solid body control and is an instinctive hitter who has a natural stroke with projectable power."


• 2B Alen Hanson, 16, Dominican Republic: "Hanson is an athletic middle infielder with a very projectable body and an upbeat attitude. He projects to have a number of above-average Major League tools. Alen is a line drive hitter who sprays the ball around the field with some extra base power."


• LHP Orlando Castro, 17, Honduras: "Orlando profiles to be a future starter. He is a three-pitch pitcher (fastball, curveball, changeup) who projects to have solid command of his fastball and above-average off-speed offerings. He has a medium build with room to mature."


• SS Carlos Esqueda, 17, Mexico: "He is an impressive athlete with outstanding makeup. A dedicated, no fear player who loves the game and competes with a championship attitude. Carlos projects to be a solid Major League shortstop. He is quick, smooth, and has good instincts on the field. He is aggressive on the basepath and with physical maturity, should develop average speed."


• RHP Richard Montilla, 17, Panama: "Montilla is a solid athlete with room for physical maturity. He is a battler -- very competitive and confident on the mound. Richard profiles to be a future starter with the potential for an above-average fastball and curveball."

Who knows. maybe one of these fine teens will develop into a decent player, ya know once they're done with puberty. And hopefully if they do become something good, we won't trade them away like we do other awesome players. So to all other disgruntled Pirates fans... keep your head up, we may be the worst organization in the MLB (maybe all sports) at the moment, but we can't be the worst forever. Besides it could be worse... we could be from Ohio... ::shudder::

Late Night Video Club

Walk On The Ocean @ Yahoo! Video

Toad the Wet Sprocket - Walk on the Ocean

Some early 90's alternative lovin' for your viewing pleasure.

Pre-Season baby!

Do you have that itch? That little twinge in the back of your head wondering... WHERE THE FUCK IS HOCKEY!?!? Well we do, and just to tease us all a bit more the Penguins have gone ahead and released their 2009 pre-season schedule:

Friday, Sept. 18, TORONTO AT PITTSBURGH, 7:30 p.m.

Monday, Sept. 21, Pittsburgh at Montreal, 7:30 p.m.

Tuesday, Sept. 22, Pittsburgh at Toronto, 7:00 p.m.

Thursday, Sept. 24, Pittsburgh at Columbus, 7:00 p.m.

Friday, Sept. 25, COLUMBUS AT PITTSBURGH, 7:30 p.m.

Sunday, Sept. 27, Pittsburgh at Detroit, 5:00 p.m.

That leaves us... 71 days 5 hours and 24 minutes (and counting) until we can all watch Geno Malkin and Sidney Crosby blow through defenses like Michael Jackson through a 12 year old boy's underwear.

Does this mean no more Sanchez Salsa?

Say goodbye to the most delicious and stereotypical condiments available on Giant Eagle shelves.

In congruence with the latest actions of the Pittsburgh Pirates in trading away anyone who shows signs of consistency or team leadership, the Bucs have announced that Freddy "Dirty" Sanchez is on the trading block.

Oh yeah, Freddy is once again the Pirates' leading hitter with a .313 average and last week was selected for his third All-Star Game in four years. So it was only right to send him away.

Hopefully we get a prospect for him, and one who isn't preoccupied with other business ventures.